Hunter's Oath

Welp, here it comes again.

2012-02-18T20:02:00.000+08:00

THIS IS THE SECOND TIME.

The second run. The second battle. As hopeless as the previous.
Awaken, awaken. See the truth as the fog is suddenly lifted from your eyes for the next two months. Forge alliances. Sign contracts. Make promises. Bring everything you have to bear upon breaking out of this damned fate, and watch as he smashes all you have done to pieces yet again.
Maybe someday we'll break free. But you know it won't be this time.
But hey, what's there to lose right? Only everything we've ever loved, all the social links we've forged, every habit you've settled yourself into, and the trust and rep we built up over the years.
And so we begin climbing the long way, up to the distant mountain where we would face him once more.
Make no mistake, we are all caught in his gambit. There is no way out.
There is no way out.

rise and rise again, until the truth is finally set free.

2012-02-15T02:36:00.000+08:00

What truth lies in you, in your heart of hearts?
For me, it is not that simple. It is never that simple. For someone who has spent his whole life fragmenting his mind in order to survive, I have long since lost touch of who is me.
And, just as importantly, what I want. What all of me wants. Then again there's no such thing, since we all want different things hehe.
All I can say is this: whereas I used to lie that what I wanted wasn't what I was visibly aiming for, that has now become a truth. It wasn't what all of me wanted, but simply because such a division existed, it came to be so.
So in a way I was damned from the start. Like the allegory about how the decision between nothing and something was made because something is a cheating bastard.
And now? I just wish I could get things together long enough to feel happy.
None of these are my true ends.

No time to feel sorry for myself, damage control time!

2012-02-13T23:56:00.000+08:00

Well, made a lot of mistakes today. Showed up at hostel with a bouquet and truffles for Claire, and things didn't go so well. Or well, it was a complete and utter failure.
Won't go into details, no time for that. Suffice to say I got caught by Ms Queenie, Mr Murali and Johnny. Hehe, quite a mess really.
And I failed to make a positive impression- it was definitely negative. I may have lost enough points to nudge me back into last year's situation, post-July.
So all in all, fuck this shit. It was a wasted trip except for one piece of the puzzle from her: why we can't even be friends. According to her, it's because I have a negative impact on her friends.
In other words, Alex had it backward all along. And I made a mistake by accepting his word for it.
I also found out several other pieces of shocking news. I don't know if they're true or not. I hope they aren't, but seriously, what. The. Fuck.
Am I concerned? Am I jealous? What am I feeling, really? I don't know.
I just wish things would get better. That this wasn't a dead end no matter how hard I bash it.

Incompetence.

2012-02-11T01:35:00.000+08:00

And I've to head back to camp in a mere 12 hours plus! Seriously, it's quite messed up.
It's been a crappy week cause we've all been stressed out of our minds, rushing this and that, while at the same time absolutely terrible planning by the commanders have left us high and dry more than once.
It got so bad that my platoon actually exploded for the first time, strong enough to have the commanders come to talk to us to negotiate the workload. It was being distributed so unevenly that seriously, no matter how rushed we were, none of us were going to be willing to do that much work without seriously bitching about it.
And then today when my crew separated from the main group to do some separate tasks, the commander in charge threw away our breakfasts. We got back at 9am starving, and had to buy our own breakfasts. Seriously, wth. At that point my crew no longer gave a fuck and went to buy from the Tracks Mess shop where we were usually banned from visiting. (That was one hell of a fried chicken patty though.)
The best part was this though: one hour before half the drivers were supposed to book out for a test somewhere else, they realised none of us were qualified for a crucial part of the coming exercise on Sunday. *sarcastic applause* Great job guys, awesome planning. In the end they booked out as planned and the other half of us took the lesson, though how the rest'll cope on Sunday remains to be seen.

It's also not the best week for me. I've still largely been in control of the platoon, but this week I failed to retain that amongst the exploding emotions everywhere. There were situations where I did not manage to steer everyone to the best solution... and I was soundly punished by Legion for it.
I've also foolishly let Glenn talk me into playing Corpse Party, a horror visual-novel sort of game for the PSP. I have been lacking sleep since then. The first night (after only the first chapter) wasn't so bad, just discomforting. The second night (after the second and third chapter) had me hiding myself in my blanket for security, and waking up at 3am with a choked scream. I haven't played it today to retain my sanity (because I sleep alone at home) but the images are still haunting me. I suspect I'll be hiding under my blanket the whole night too. Hell, I should sleep now and let daybreak come.
Finished reading ToraDora!, now considering re-reading Zero no Tsukaima. Or something. *shrugs*
Also I made a pledge for one of the Order Of The Stick's comic books, notably On The Origin of PCs. It's finally worthwhile after the added items due to the insane response (over 1000%!)
Spending next Tuesday outfield. Joy oh joy.
Ah whatever. Goodnight y'all.

Plenty of thoughts in this mess.

2012-02-05T03:35:00.000+08:00

Really messed up. Not in a bad way though- as in, not feeling terribly down.
Just... confused.
But perhaps it's starting to sink in that it is rather likely she is not coming back- and in fact I should have never counted on it anyway. Once I finally bothered to think things through rationally and run through a few simulations (which tripped numerous flags), it was the only logical conclusion.
After all there are many factors: the fact that I established contact at the wrong time, her messed-up psyche that allows her to discard people as toys, me not being what I should have been, and also abusing what should've been a wholesome sempai-kohai relationship- (nah I just couldn't resist quoting from K:BDH bahaha)
I have to prepare myself for the worst in any case. And of course, I am highly tempted to close this book already, to be honest. It is the right thing to do- if she does return, we'll be completely different people from who we were. Yet I know there will always be occasional thoughts, which to be honest do irk me, a lot. Even more than thoughts of The Star.

Which brings me to my next point, that I haven't had characters in my fiction based off real people for a while- and probably never will again. My relations with people are tenuous. It is hard to find life-long friends, or hell, even friends that stick with me for extended periods of time. So far I've only had a few: EYX, TSS, LC, Tian Lu, and Chermaine. That is why it's very, very hard to write fic with characters that disappear from my life. Alex there isn't even properly based off his real-life counterpart, it's merely a passive nobody with powers. One sees that he doesn't have much personality beyond perfecting the art of face-palming.
And even my relation with Chermaine is undergoing stress at the moment. To be honest I'm afraid it'll break, for the first time ever. Because my perception of her has changed.. to something I have never experienced in relation to her before. It really scares me. All I know is that I am highly venomous and caustic towards her and it's a miracle she can carry on our conversations completely normally as if nothing's changed.
*shrugs* I suppose I am just highly messed up. My personality flaws are really coming to the forefront this last week, making me highly selfish and tyrannical. Acting like a goddamned kid.
Imbalance, really. I need to fix this.

Of late I feel myself slipping into other selves more often than ever. It's become so bad that I keep using Slayer or Lucia, which really begs the question, what about me? Who the hell am I anyway? Used to be a time when Hunter was my dominant system, but now that is no longer the case. Or rather, perhaps it hasn't been the case for a really, really long time.
Hunter was me. The trouble started when I created Legion, which took over some parts, and skewed the balance. I think the worst came when I started to accept Slayer as a part of me.
Obviously the cure is to harmonize all and blur the edges some more. Like now, for example. I'm pretty sure this is really me, a balanced state where all the distinct egos have a say and are a part of the whole. I can feel Hunter's determination and discipline, Slayer's primal urge for violence, Legion's careful calculations, and Lucia's cheerful hope. This is in fact a rather amazing feeling, that I am finally really in control, that I am... me.
But this cure is not easy. Separate egos exist for a reason, and for me they were my response to social pressures. I cannot face army work with Lucia, for example, and Slayer should stay out of the way in delicate social negotiations.
Is there a need for the cure? Yes, but perhaps not now, I suppose. The status quo is like this because it's necessary for me to survive army. A necessary evil.
Doesn't mean I have to like it argh. It's a sign of versatility but I can't help but be unnerved by the knowledge that I am damaging my psyche further the longer I keep it up.
More reasons why army is messed up gah.

It's been an uneventful week mostly anyway. I spent some money though, buying Psychonauts and Costume Quest off Steam.
And I just spent /a lot/ of money on a new shirt featuring Tarquin from OOTS. It's a really awesome shirt, will probably see it around sometime next month. =D Wonder if I'll find other OOTS fans in Singapore? Heh.
Been reading ToraDora! too, the light novel. Helps those sleepless nights anyway.
And just downloaded another ton of Vocaloid videos into my phone heh. That 16GB memory card is really coming in handy now, it's not even halfway filled! =D
Oh well, guess I should go to sleep now.
Pax.

Running through hell, heaven can wait (Fiction finale: Part 4)

2012-01-29T21:09:00.000+08:00

AN: Production speed is high of late but should drop back to zero anytime soon. Already part 4, halfway through the team's confrontations, a third through the arc.
Don't miss out the earlier parts just cause I've been writing them so fast! =P

"I'm not sure what I did to deserve this hmm," Horace mused. "Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?"
He took a good look around him, his sharp eyes taking in the charred and cracked landscape, the volcanoes in the distance, the fires and pools of magma, the rusty weapons lying around. The soil was a reddish brown, and some patches were a darker red for reasons he would rather not think about. On the horizon stood a black obsidian fortress. The smell of sulphur and charred flesh hung in the air.
What really drew his attention were the horrifying screams. He could hear them, but not locate the source. It seemed like they were close though, and in terrible, terrible pain.
No doubt about it. He was in hell.

Horace hummed to himself as he wandered along a stone-paved path, shoes occasionally crunching on pieces of glass and bone. It was unnerving to be alone in such a place.
"I wonder what happened though. The last thing I heard was Jim shouting contact... Lucia or Jacen must have gotten the drop on us."
He stopped in his tracks as a thought came to him. "And maybe I'm already dead and I actually am in hell... Nah," he dismissed the thought.
A sudden movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he whirled on it, throwing out a stunning blast on instinct. To his surprise, the blast shot right through what appeared to be a cloud of darkness, which was moving towards him at a rather worrying speed.
"The situation looks a little grim, hmm." Even in dark times, Horace could never stop his constant monologue.
Still, he wasn't just any psion. He was a Master, one that had trained with not one but two Grandmasters before. Just before it reached him, he raised his hand and created a giant sphere twice his height in diameter that encapsulated the entire cloud. As he predicted, it was trapped, swirling angrily and smashing itself against the sides of the sphere.
"Interesting. I wonder what this is?" he peered at it intently.
The cloud's response was to take the form of a demon, snarling at him. "Your worst nightmare."
In shock, Horace lost control of the sphere. "Aw hell."
The battle proceeded quickly, with Horace throwing energy bolts that were matched by those of the demon. Each clash of bolts resulted in an explosion of heat and light, blinding Horace and forcing him to keep his distance.
"Hellfire, huh." It had been a while since he last encountered this energy type. Years, in fact. Jacen hadn't deigned to pull it out after he stopped his involvement with the gods.
"So what are you, really?" Horace asked anew when the demon didn't bother to reply. They were evenly matched so far as he could tell, leaving him some room to multi-task and find out more about his opponent.
"I am you," the demon grinned lopsidedly as its face morphed into that of Horace's. "I am the darkness in your heart. I am the screaming cry for vengeance, for blood."
The Master merely raised an eyebrow, shifting his priority to defensive shielding as the demon continued its monologue.
"You try to shove me down and keep me under control, but you know you cannot resist the siren call. Every time you fight you tell yourself you are forced to, but in your heart you know you want to rip your enemies to shreds. Justice is merely a way of expressing your hunger for violence."
Horace paused, dropping all his shields and frowning. "That's it?"
"Uhh, yeah. That's... it," the demon replied, confused. Was the man... disappointed?
"So what were you hoping to achieve? That by attacking me, you'll provoke anger? That perhaps I'll lose control to the core of darkness within me?"
"I don't know much," it shrugged. "All I do is attack. Violence doesn't need much thinking."
Horace snorted. "Then I'll tell you this much. I am a master of psionics. And before I was such, yes, I did have such a core of darkness once. Unlike many of the others within the Clan, I did not have a respectable background. I used to exult in violence and fury, brawling in gang fights. That core of darkness was my strength.
"After I delved deeply into psionics however, control became the finer edge. So while I do still have that darkness within me, more than most in fact, I am first and foremost a psion master. And that means complete and utter control of the demon within me." Horace raised his hand and squeezed, his gaze cold as he surveyed the demon struggling from his vice-like psionic grip.
"I don't care if you are the darkness of all men's hearts or just my own. In the end, you are just a primal darkness we should have evolved out of centuries ago, and to me nothing but a tool. So you will obey me." Finishing, he released the demon, which dropped to its knees.
"Understood," it bowed in reverence. With the sound of breaking glass, it fragmented into tiny pieces which thudded into Horace and sank in, with no small amount of heat and pain.
"Wow. Hell really is exothermic," the Master grunted as he began picking about, looking for a way out.

Despair: The Heart of Everything. (Fiction finale: Part 3)

2012-01-29T21:07:00.003+08:00

AN: Written while half asleep. Short one, too. I am especially proud of the opening because it seems like something awesome, for once I've actually written something good.

Silence assaulted Imelda's ears over and over again. It wasn't the silence one got normally, with still the hum of electricity running through the city. It wasn't the silence of the night, with the pulse of life still there as an undertone. It wasn't even the deep silence of space, where nothing but the distant song of the stars existed.
It was the silence of complete nothingness. Absolute. Cold. Dead. There was nothing in this existence. And with nothing, there could be no meaning.
This was a silence that only the dead could experience.
Imelda opened her eyes and awoke in a coffin.

Imelda struggled to gather her thoughts as she sat down in the front pew. Getting out of the coffin had been a relatively simple endeavour, simply popping the lock from within using her mind. She could see outside the glass cover anyway, which eased the task.
After taking a look around, she was in a cathedral of some sort, yet the place looked extremely dark and gothic. The dominant colour was black, the stained glass windows were cracked and judging by the candles and coffin, there was a funeral being held. The doors were ajar, letting in a cold breeze that dimmed the flames of the candles but never snuffed them out.
And no matter what, she couldn't shake the notion that she was looking into a very private scene of grief- one that wasn't originally meant for her. This was a scene that had been altered for her.
A tear fell from Imelda's eyes and landed on the wooden pew. Within moments, she was sobbing like a little girl, in a way she hadn't done since her brother's death.
"Why... Why have I been left alone? It's so hard to continue supporting my family and strive for a future with Horace at the same time. Everything's just crushing down on me."
"It would be easier to just sleep, wouldn't it?"
"He left me. We grew up together. Trained together. Fought together. Before the Clan when we first discovered psionics, we both thought we were the only sane ones in a crazy world. And he left, just like that. I didn't even get to protect him the way I promised him since he was a kid, hiding in my room late at night from thunderstorms."
"But that's not all, isn't it? You've been betrayed by the ones you trusted the most."
Imelda sank to the floor. "Jacen and Danielle... They both knew the truth behind his death. Neither of them ever told me. I didn't even get a chance to hear his last words."
"And he was the one who killed him," the voice reminded. "To think that all this while you've been following his orders loyally, trusting in him, while he happily murdered your brother to keep his little secrets and didn't even trust you enough to mention it."
Fire flared in Imelda's heart for a moment, before the dark miasma of depression in her heart choked it out, making her feel worse than before. "I really am a terrible older sister. I can't even avenge him. I can't do anything."
"Nothing good would ever come out of trying. So sleep, my child. Rest here, cry, it's alright. Just sleep, and find peace in your rest..."
Imelda's eyes drifted close, even if she was lying uncomfortably on the stone floor. She shifted slightly, and suddenly found herself lying somewhere soft, though cold.
She opened her eyes for a moment to find herself back in the coffin. But that was alright, wasn't it? A person like her didn't deserve better. She deserved to join her brother in death for failing to protect him. Let her, for this moment, experience the same pain as him.
Seconds turned into minutes, into hours. Imelda didn't know how long she laid there. She just knew she didn't want to get up. It was quiet here. Getting up meant facing the questions and the same black cloud that had been lingering in her heart for years.
And so she continued sleeping her timeless sleep for eons, in the timeless black church where nothing changed, where candles flickered but never went out.

"Really though, I expected better of you, Imelda." The voice was back again. It sounded familiar, but Imelda couldn't place it. It wasn't her brother, or she would've recognized it immediately. It wasn't her beloved Horace either.
Imelda's eyes jerked open as she realised who it was. But she couldn't see anyone past the glass cover.
"I can't have you lazing in bed forever, Imelda. You have a job to do." The coffin lock clicked, its lid swinging open.
"I don't want to. I don't have the strength to."
"And if you don't, who will? Your brother's last sane wish was to take care of your ill mother. That was the cause he died for, seeking more power to heal her. If you don't get up, no one will do that for you."
"It's always about jobs and duties and work. I can't face it anymore."
"That's because you're not experiencing them to the full extent you should be. When was the last time you felt filial joy from seeing your mother's gentle smile? When did you last really laugh at one of Horace's lousy jokes?"
The voice had a point, Imelda conceded. She had been going about her work like a robot. She had smiled, had laughed, did complex experiments, fought tough battles, but all this while she had felt detached. As if she were only an observer watching someone else in her body. The world had almost become colourless for her.
She remained silent, not knowing what to say.
"The curse of psionics is that as psions, when we dissociate ourselves from painful experiences, we do it way too effectively. Our mental training gives us complete control over our emotions and that is often tapped into to give us the strength to carry on. But it is also not a magic solution. Already you know you can no longer carry on this way. It's time to face it, Imelda. I wish there was something I could say other than it gets better with time. Unfortunately, it is the only thing I can offer you."
Imelda sat up, closing her eyes and raising her hands to her chest as if in prayer.
That's right. I have to face it. It's painful staring my loss in the face, but it's better than running from it. Wanting to see a loved one, wishing I could've protected him... There's nothing wrong with that. I won't let myself seal away my feelings anymore, letting them gather to smother me.
I have a job to do. It's not even about vengeance, it's about the future I want to have.
"Thank you... Jacen."

Restoration of clarity.

2012-01-29T01:54:00.000+08:00

But is it? What is real, what is fake? Which is the lie? No one can tell. Least of all me.

On Friday I went to some random camp to take some test and I was one of the only 8 who passed so HAH I feel awesome.
Then I changed out of my uniform at the MRT because seriously, being in uniform is such a bitch because I don't even dare to give anyone the death-glare and I had to keep a straight face all the way. (Recently there's a big online hoo-hah over someone who asked if soldiers in uniform can sit down on public transport, what an asshole! Death-glares are a different thing though bahaha.)
Anyway, went to Plaza Sing to meet up with the guys, which was pretty much a last-minute request organized thing. We had dinner at Ichiban Sushi to let me finish stamping the rewards card to get a $20 voucher.
Then we wandered around, went to Caesar's, walked around outside, and ended up walking all the way to Clarke Quay.
Along the way I did the uhm, jump thingie from the Project Diva PV of Sekiranun Graffiti lmao. I even convinced SS to do it simultaneously with me once. Must have looked ridiculous. xP
We wandered around some more, bumped into one of SS's and LC's friends, had ice-cream at Burger King... Then left for home, with SS going to club for the first time.
Bumped into Hubert at Outram Park. Turns out he was going to the same club, Zirca. (And as I found out today, so was Jonathan. ._.)
Speaking of today, it was just visiting Ms Ng's house for CNY. Her new house at Punggol is far far away but the view is really nice and the wind is awesome (though she mentioned it doesn't come all the time). Her furniture is also awesome and apparently really cheap too.
So we pretty much watched How To Train Your Dragon and The Dark Knight. Or more like it was playing in the background and we only watched it at some points and discussed random stuff at others.
Ms Ng mentioned M12605 was going to come, but as I just found out, that planned visit was on Sunday instead. So much for bumping into them and having fun awkward confrontations. *sigh*
Nothing much, really. The guys might be going to school on Monday, guess I'll see if I can drop in too.
Okay, back to work then~

Fear is in the eye of the beholder (Fiction finale: Part 2)

2012-01-27T02:43:00.000+08:00

AN: Long hiatus afterwards, second part. I'm going to try and clear as many as possible before I go back into another hiatus.
That aside, the timeline hasn't changed. All this continues to take place last December. The reason I'm so specific about the time will be shown later.
This and the other five chapters will be awfully clichéd. Typical storyline about confronting our own demons. But when fighting humanity itself, what else can one expect?

Kate woke up to the sound of wheels rolling against the floor. It was the annoying ratcheting sound of teeny little wheels rolling on, making tons of noise as they bumped along the floor.
As Kate slowly came to her senses, she noticed that she was lying down, and her body was being bumped along in sync with the noise. She tried to raise a hand to her head, only to find out that she couldn't.
She opened her eyes. Her irises contracted as they tried to adjust to the light, even though it seemed pretty dim.
The lights rolled on past above her, and she finally noticed the man who was wheeling her somewhere. Dressed in surgery scrubs, he had a facemask on so she couldn't really identify him. Nothing about him felt familiar, only left her feeling deeply disturbed.
"Where are you taking me?" Kate asked. She strained against her binds once more, only to realise it was leather straps tying her tightly down to the gurney.
No answer seemed forthcoming from the man. She turned her head to the left, just as they passed by a room with an open door. Inside was a figure strapped down to another gurney just like she was, as the doctor raised some huge implement that looked like it belonged in a abattoir more than a hospital.
Her eyes widened as the view went out of sight. "What the hell? Hey!"
Another room. Here, the "doctor" was visibly strangling the patient, even as blood spurted out profusely from the patient's wounds. The choking sounds echoed through the corridor.
Kate closed her eyes, then thought better of that as she forced them open and glared at the man above her. "Hey, answer me!"
The next room she glimpsed sight of had a mass of bodies piled up within. They weren't even in body-bags, their wounds weren't even closed up. Just a pile of bodies and spilled organs, and a floor coated in blood.
If she hadn't been tied down in such an uncomfortable position, Kate probably would've thrown up. She settled for running her mind through a series of basic psionic exercises, restoring some semblance of calm amidst the rising panic.
Wait. Damn that's right, I'm a psion, Kate reached out with her mind and shoved. The leather binds snapped and the man stumbled back, sending the gurney rolling sideways but remaining upright. Kate leaped off and landed in a combat crouch, ready for action.
The man was nowhere to be seen.

Kate shivered and clutched tighter at her hospital gown as she wandered along the hospital corridors. She wasn't quite sure which was scarier: being brought somewhere against her will, or having total control of her movement into the terrifying unknown.
She had to go deeper. Even if she didn't know why, there was a force that drew her into the depths of this nightmare hospital. So she wandered through the corridors and operating theatres, each with its own gruesome scene.
That wasn't the worst part though. That would be seeing her daughter.
Her precious daughter. Wandering around this horrible place in her school uniform as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Sometimes she caught sight of her out of the corner of her eye, running away from her deeper into the labyrinth into the waiting arms of who-knows-what monsters. The very first time Kate had chased after her, she had turned a corner too hastily and found three... abominations waiting for her. Only her psionic instincts had saved her in time, deflecting the descending chainsaw deep into the flesh of the others. Monsters or not, a chainsaw to the face fixed all. Wasn't like they could get any uglier anyway.
Her shields even managed to keep the blood splatters off her. Not that she could do anything about the pitiful hospital gown she was forced to wear though.
"It's just an illusion," Kate told herself firmly.
"Of course I am, but why would that make it not real?" her daughter's quiet reserved voice asked from behind.
"What do you mean?" Kate asked as she turned around slowly. She had long since become wary.
"You're in a separate world built with the essence and power of humanity," her daughter explained as she opened her arms to take in all around her "Everything is illusionary and a construct, yet is real and has consequences."
"I don't get it," the psion rubbed at her head. She had never been the brains of the group, but she was sure this sort of cryptic stuff was something only Jacen would've understood.
"Lose yourself, and you may never wake up. Lose to the beast awaiting you downstairs, and the world may never see sunrise."
Kate blanched.
"Come on mum, time's ticking," her daughter motioned before running down a corridor.
With a swift shake of her head, the mother followed.

"This is as far as I go, mum."
Mother and daughter stood before the entrance to the morgue, the lowest depth of the nightmare hospital. Kate had no idea how long it had taken her to get here, but her reserves didn't seem to be too drained.
"Thanks for the help," Kate muttered as she closed her eyes and frowned, trying to get an accurate gauge of how much energy she had left.
A warm body pressed against her front, interrupting her thoughts. She opened her eyes to find her daughter embracing her.
"You don't need that, mum. What you really need is here," her daughter raised a hand to Kate's chest over her heart.
Kate blinked. "You're in here."
"I know. I will be your courage, mum." And with that, she vanished, her warmth slowly fading away.
Kate steeled herself and opened the double doors.

"This wasn't what I expected," Kate cursed as she loosed another bolt and kept dodging. Her opponent had turned out to be, surprise surprise, herself.
"No one expects you to expect anything, Kate. You don't have the brains to."
This... shadow of her had proved pretty persistent. Limitless in energy. Each flurry of Kate's had been confronted with another twice as thick.
Obviously might was not the way to go here.
"That's the way, Kate. Run. Keep running. That's all you ever do," her shadow sneered.
Okay, time out, Kate thought as she turned a corner and gained some time to think. This is the typical sort of fight Jacen had within himself and told us about from time to time. What would he do in this situation?
A memory came unbidden to her, of a time during the aura beast invasion. The whole team had been overseas in the middle of that goddamn desert, preparing to call in the hive mind to destroy it. "Are you afraid?" Jacen had asked her then. "The dead don't feel fear. That's how you know you're still alive."
To live is to face up to fear, her mind told her. And that begins with facing your shadow.
Kate stepped out from behind the corner. "Alright. Let's talk."
"Oh? Too bad I'm too scared to talk!" her shadow screeched as it unleashed yet another flurry of bolts, which Kate shielded against. She held her ground as the bolts gradually weakened, and lost their power.
"Huh," her shadow muttered as it stopped attacking Kate.
"That's right. You can't hurt me- because you are a part of me. For the longest time I've lived with you clenching my heart. Fear of not being part of the team. Fear of not being a good mother, of not living up to expectations. But I can't destroy you either, because fear is just as essential a part of being alive. But I won't let you control my life any longer," Kate announced, a gaze of steel in her eyes.
Her shadow only nodded slowly and turned into pure energy, streaming into Kate.
Closing her eyes, Kate began to ascend out of the nightmare.

"Physical stimulus to recalibrate senses to the baseline wavelength."

2012-01-26T22:18:00.001+08:00

Well. It's been an... eventful week? Maybe?
No not really. ._. After events of last year and stuff, I'm finding it harder to classify things as eventful hehe.
Sunday passed by just like that, sitting at home, having reunion lunch/dinner.
Then Monday and Tuesday was the customary CNY visiting and getting red packets bahaha.
It may be just me but when we did the traditional visiting of the temple, the monk gave me a long hard stare. ._. It was really, really unnerving at the time. I didn't think my unholy associations showed on my face, it was probably just guilt, but still.
And then on Tuesday night I played Monopoly Deal and Munchkin with my cousins, pwned at both. For Mono Deal I had a round with all three Just Say No's, and another round with a killer dark-blue set with rent card and Double The Rent. For Munchkin I lucked out with good equipment, so I was always ahead even with the others trying to stop me (Wandering Monster with a level 20 monster lmao, next to Enraged Ancient Intelligent Harpies). Have to admit that one got me, losing to Harpies (I Magic-Lamped away the other) was a real setback for a few rounds.
Then Wednesday aka yesterday was meeting up with random people. I went to school and sat for a couple of hours with Trish as she did her Chemistry assignment. I don't think I'll ever see her again after she graduates, so I guess I should take what opportunities I have now to appreciate her weird humour.
Then met up with Blossom for a bit, chatted, and listened to her playing piano. First few pieces were... interesting. Memory-evoking. Or are those really memories? Scattered memories, distant dreams, visions, whatever they are. Just... inspiring, in a way.
Went to Clementi Mall after that, waited for Cass to show up. We had dinner at Ichiban Sushi and talked. It's been over a year since I last saw her, really, though we did keep in occasional contact over MSN and messages. Things don't change much.
Also brought her up to a scenic and windy spot amongst the HDB blocks. It's a really nice place there, we talked till it was 9pm and I didn't even notice.
Then grabbed my usual White Choc Mocha Frappe and I was off back home.
Finished Fable 3's main storyline incidentally. Now starting on the evil path muahahahaha!
I have a test tomorrow. I've procrastinated studying for it by an hour and a half already, straying onto finding the damn test location in the first place, flirting with a 16 year-old, settling a meet-up tomorrow evening and of course, this blogpost.
Probably shouldn't anymore bah.
Okay back to work. *sobs*

Makeover.

2012-01-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

I think my side of my bedroom has seen drastic change since last year, in that this time I've finally gotten around to getting rid of some things and brought in a lot of new stuff as well.

So yes this is my half of the room. It's actually a lot neater than it used to be bahaha.
... If you recognize the wallpaper, then yes. Yes it is. Got a problem? =/

The first thing one sees upon entering, is this... medieval corner thingie, I don't even know. I just thought it was a nice place to display my swords. Then the empty space bothered me so I dug up some rune stones and pebbles (which I think we used to use as Pokemon TCG damage counters), and the apple is there because I've nowhere else to display it.

This is probably what people will notice next since they're the biggest items. The Hatsune Miku scroll is actually more ecchi than I thought, since the blush is so obvious and... well it's actually really cute...
Note the Miku mug on the table. Didn't look as nice as what I ordered, but it'll do.
The puzzle has an important function, it's actually countering all the nature energy coming from the other side of the room where my brother's framed pictures are. They're small drawings consisting of animal (birds, fish and butterflies) and plant samples. The balance is maintained: white and black, natural and unnatural.

And these are old purchases really, just thought I'll finally post a picture online. My honour wakizashi in the middle of my headboard, the Shinku doll and mirror (double purpose of allowing me to watch my door out of the corner of my eye so my family can't sneak up on me while I'm listening to music), and obviously the Yuki and Haruhi cushions.
Please don't ask me which one I like better.

Other than tidying up my room I've also gotten new clothes as expected by tradition, from Uniqlo. Two pairs of jeans and three shirts set me back by two hundred dollars sigh, my wallet cries.
I really can't shop anywhere else but Uniqlo. ._.
The parade yesterday went well. Whole week's rehearsals were generally just tiring, except for one on the afternoon of the first day where we seriously burned in the hot sun. The rest had decent cloudy weather; parade day itself had an awesomely cool after-rain climate. I got to ride in one of the vehicles next to a lieutenant colonel as part of the drive-past, which was fun.
Clashes are starting in my company already mm, the new specs are showing their true colours and just how fail they are. The men are starting to rebel and I think I'm sticking my neck out too much of late...
But whatever, that'll be for next next week. For now, I'll focus on next week, because "next week is xing nian kuai le" (epic quote from uhh, someone because of how ridiculous he sounded bahaha just thinking about it makes me laugh).
Hope I get to play Terraria with TSS soon, last week didn't have much time and we haven't hit it this week yet cause of CNY shopping on both sides.
Started watching the anime for Zero no Tsukaima, finished the first season. Was kind of a downer because of how epic my imagination was while reading the light novels and the anime was just dull in comparison rawr.
Okay back to work~

As they say in the army: by Lucia, for Jacen.

2012-01-15T23:31:00.000+08:00

Hello dear readers (most probably non-existent) and assorted ghosts of the past. I haven't deserted this blog, just that I haven't really been in the mood for blogging. Perhaps it is a change in temperament recently, or a new obsession, I'm not sure myself.
It has been a time of change, far different from the past, and I find myself reticent to talk about it.
I've been gradually ceding more territory to Lucia, entrusting her to act in my stead. Though it doesn't really matter since we are one. As Alex reminded me recently, it is not a dichotomy.
Of late one of my more pleasant distractions has appeared in the form of a little girl named Blossom. Bubbly and upbeat, the constant communication is a much needed counter to the monotony and stress of army life.
And my usual obsession with Hatsune Miku and Project Diva Extend. My playlist now contains whole hours of Vocaloid music.
I have also started on a new light novel/anime series, Zero no Tsukaima. Light-hearted and following classic plots, it is simple and enjoyable. It distracts me from the darkness lurking within my heart and mind.
This week will have a parade. I will have to endure the days looking forward to the nights when I can collapse happily in bed with my phone and just read.
I also look forward to next week. Block leave, CNY festivities, and a couple of visits. It will truly be a memorable time.
Time is ticking. I leave this off here.

It's the first day of 2012! =P

2012-01-01T06:58:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Gan Shun's house. What a party! Okay actually no it wasn't terribly awesome, but it was still nice seeing everyone again. Whole bunch of people really, that it would be silly to list them all. Abbeh was there too though, she was really nice as usual so she gets special mention LOL. (I just think she makes a really good side-host/party person because she pays everyone equal attention and tries to involve everyone, so she's really the one who makes these parties enjoyable even for me)
So we played a chinese card game about spies, then Time's Up. The second was quite fun, though I wasn't really the kind to enjoy acting and being out there in the limelight.
Sat out on the subsequent games and started on the whiskey I brought over. Fair bit of drinking while updating LC on my latest uhh, exploits heh. Went upstairs after a while and hung out with the guys and gals playing mahjong. Stayed until 2350, whereupon I went downstairs to join in the countdown (and had a game of Dominion with Shud, Uly, Shuxian and Zhangyao).
And oh, at some point in time someone started playing MOTAS on Gan's PC/TV and abandoned it. I took over and finished the latter two-thirds with Dom, Eefhong and Tessa spectating. Was pretty frustrating but good entertainment I suppose.
Then stoned for a couple of hours just watching Tessa play Dungeon Defenders. Looks kinda cool but not my thing, I suppose.
And of course walked back home at 5am in the morning as usual. ;D I just love doing that, partially because it sort of counts as a night hunt for me and eases the craving. I made it back in 21 minutes with a jog-run-jog-sprint-walk-sprint-jog-run combination. Yes it doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, still trying to figure out my 2012 resolutions. Quite honestly I don't know, because I've mellowed so much ever since I started pulling my mind together. What should I aim for? I don't know because I'll be serving NS for the whole year. I don't have anything to aim for because there's nothing worthwhile I can reasonably achieve.
So if I had to, I suppose first of all I want to make at least two new close friends over the year. It should ease the pain of NS, plus refreshing my friend list is always important.
Second, I want to feed on at least two different hosts. For 2011 I had three, all one-shots. This year, I hope I can have two... or actually I don't mind just one as long as it's often enough to keep my demon satiated.
Third, I want to maintain my game in the army until I ORD. I'm in a comfortable position now, but that's all set to change as my major backers are about to leave the service one way or another. I will have new commanders and I hope I will be able to maintain my current comfy spot.
Fourth, I want to heal someone. Major work, and this time I want it to be professional and steady.
Fifth, I want to maintain this mindset, or if possible grow positively. I don't want to regress back into the old days.
And that's about it I suppose. No I don't have a sixth goal to make it a nice number.

Okay time to draw a tarot reading: Nine of Swords, reversed Queen of Swords, The Sun.
Nine of Swords in the past position (regarding last year) indicates deep issues of responsibility for something terrible or for feeling guilty about an old tragedy.
The Queen of Swords in the present position (regarding the current present) indicates that a certain jaded state has overtaken my life, dispensing unsolicited advice to friends and family. But since it's reversed, I choose to interpret it as my judgement is being clouded by emotions.
The Sun in the future position (regarding the rest of the year) indicates the outcome to my current situation will see me coming out ahead. It's more than a card indicating success; it's a card showing I'm on the path to enlightenment.
Again it's largely the same old spread, really. Tragedy in the past, promises of enlightenment and salvation in the future. The only thing that ever changes is the present. In this case, I believe it's pointing towards Lucia, a forced ego-state I've brought into existence in order to deal with certain new elements of my life.
The Queen of Swords is the epitome of maturity and judgement. Being a woman, yet also of the suit of Swords means she possesses both emotions and intellect. Her position indicates a fine balance of the two, and that she makes wise decisions using them. Since she's reversed, I believe the cards are trying to tell me that though this was what I had intended to make with Lucia, it is not what she is, because she is not fulfilling her full potential.
But hmm, I already knew that. Oh well.
Same old, same old then.
Well, hope it'll be a good year! I'm still awaiting my happy ending. =)
Pax.

It's the last day of 2011!

2011-12-31T16:23:00.002+08:00

And what a year it has been. Or not.
It's mostly been about army. Army army army. I don't want to bore anyone with the details, let alone myself, so I'll skip past it. After all, there's really not much to say. Not much I can say either.

Most memorable events of the year:

Going overseas to Australia for Exercise Matilda. My first time in a "western" country, liked it. Climate was harsh at first but pretty cool once you get used to it. Definitely an eye-opener.
Having the chance to go out with Claire. It was... an interesting night, shall we say, though there was a heavy price to pay for it over the subsequent months.
Multiple chances to go drinking. Whether at alumni gatherings or clubbing or just hanging at someone's house, it was pretty cool. Not the drinking, but the atmosphere. New experiences and all.

Most important changes:

My brother leaving for Brazil, and he won't be back for another year and a half plus some more still.
The most recent "awakening". One which gave me the ability to let go, to smile, to start life anew.
Massive moral overhaul, from 2010's dichotomy of light and darkness into the current state where I stop thinking so hard (and slip into delusions of grandeur) and pretty much just go with it.
My Blackberry. One hell of a life-saver in the army.
Parting with Edith. It was the first parting on good terms I ever had, to be honest. It was also a piece of the foundation for my awakening, so I guess I have her to thank for that. Honestly a part of me will always miss the random times we hung out and had ice-cream together (those memories rank on the same level as those with Claire), and I'll always think of her when someone typos "your" as "yoru", but I believe she (and I subsequently) made the right choice in choosing to go our separate ways. Wherever life takes her, I wish her well...
Spending. Now that I'm drawing an army allowance, I'm treating myself to stuff more often, whether spending more on food (sushi restaurants yay), gadgets (upped my memory card for convenience's sake), or toys (my wakizashi, mini-sword, Haruhi cushions...)

My resolutions for 2011 were:

To dare to dream and hope for the unachievable again. This I have done. Indeed, I pushed my luck beyond the limits, playing with systems and people far more recklessly than I used to. The best part is it barely backfired, and I had many successes. I foresee this will break down soon however, so I won't carry this over to next year.
To tread beyond my safe sanitized sanity and dabble with my madness, to achieve more with my mind. Also managed this. Even now, as I try to pull my pieces together and keep the delusions down, I am still able to force separate egos up to the surface to complete certain tasks.
If possible, find a new love. This was an optional goal, for I knew Fate wouldn't be that kind. So no, I haven't, but I've gotten stuff just as good, getting closer to my best friends, and meeting new people/rebuilding old friendships. I've also gotten new addictions to occupy my time: Terraria/Persona/Vocaloid.
More spiritual growth. And how. This is perhaps the most achieved goal of all, and all due to that one awakening, which again is mostly due to watching Apple of My Eye and Cheryl slapping me awake. My spirit was chained down for a long time, and I have finally been released. I feel more free than I have been in years, and I am more capable of focusing on the things that matter now.

Most important friends: In no order of importance, Isaac, Cheryl, Theophila, Blossom, and the usual few guys (aka EYX, TSS and LC). Even if Blossom is a recently made friend hehe.
I won't start on my 2012 resolutions yet. Maybe later today/tomorrow.

Been spending all my time rotting away at home these days, playing Terraria with Isaac's friend. Went out once to meet up with Blossom but that was about it hmm.
Oh no wait there was also the handover. Us army guys clusterfucked at City Hall for some procedure, then I went with Bjorn for lunch at uhhh (*checks foursquare*) Osaka Town.
Then spent a few hours just chilling on the Vivocity rooftop, playing Project Diva Extend. Fell in love with Two-Faced Lovers heh. I just love fast-paced songs.
Met with EYX and TSS for Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. Pretty good movie, though I believe some who haven't read the books yet may not be able to keep up, or may miss out on the inside jokes.
Then we had dinner at Secret Recipe, where I indulged in just a milkshake and a slice of cake for dinner.
Hmm. Terraria hardmode is, well, hard. I'm spending all my time there now, trying to cut out the Corruption.
Anywayyy. Gotta head off to a party. I'll do another post tomorrow after the sleepover!

Yet another post-cooking AAR.

2011-12-24T20:50:00.001+08:00

Today was Christmas Eve, thus we would work with a Christmas themed dish, right?
Logically that would be turkey. But a whole turkey would be waaaaay too much for my family, so I decided, hey, let's try a leg of lamb like Clarence did.
And after trolling through both Giant at IMM and Jurong Point today, we realised no, they don't sell those. Maybe Cold Storage, but I read on my tweetfeed that they ran out there too. Lamb obviously is a popular meat during the Christmas season too, and it was silly to expect to be able to get one on Christmas Eve.
So we got the next best substitute, lamb steak.
Didn't really follow any recipe for this one. Soaked it in olive oil and herbs, scattered salt and black pepper, tossed it into a pan of melted butter and prayed.
In the end the worst part is the lamb doesn't taste of the pepper or herbs. It just tasted like... lamb. (No shit, Sherlock) -.-
I think what saved the dish from being a disaster was probably the sauce. Which was just a pre-made finishing sauce from Masterfoods, Caramelized Onion with Red Wine.
So yes. Lamb is a tough meat to work with (ahahaha see what I did there) so I should stick to my chicken and fish unless I ever get formal lessons with someone skilled in it. Maybe a roast wouldn't be so bad; we'll see.
Okay that's about it. Next time, then.

The beginning of the end. (Fiction finale: Part 1)

2011-12-23T21:42:00.003+08:00

AN: I'm finally getting around to writing the finale hurray. But I just discovered my writing has somehow become really awkward and uninspired and just plain ugh. I'll still struggle through though. Hope to complete it by this holiday.
Also, sweet, just realised I can do jumpbreaks aka LJ cuts in Blogger as well. This'll save me some space cause I don't like reading my own fiction on my blog too.

"Once we start this, there's no turning back."
The air was grim inside the reception lobby. Over at one of the tables, Cheryl was sorting out the mess of amulets and wands she was bringing along. Horace was chatting quietly with Imelda in a corner, while Jim and Kate seemed to be arguing over something.
Alex stood by quietly as he listened in to the conversation between Danielle and Malcolm. There was so much left to settle.
"If we fail to take Jacen down, then you'll have to mobilize an all-out assault on him. Every last combat-ready psion in the country, and whoever you can muster from the region. I've sent messages to the Movement updating them of what we know, so it shouldn't be too hard to request for their help should it come to that. You will be the stand-in Grandmaster, and coordinate this attack. I doubt we'll be able to keep it under wraps though, so you will have to come up with a contingency plan on how to cover up such a massive effort. Wipe out the infrastructure and blame it on a terrorist attack if you must."
Malcolm only nodded, taking notes down on his phone. "If I don't hear from you by dawn, then I'll get onto that."
Danielle sighed. "If I don't make it back, then yes, into your hands I give the future. Go."
The other man departed swiftly, his fingers typing away into his phone as he walked.
"You ready?" the Grandmistress asked, this time directed at Alex.
"To start a fight that will result in either our deaths or his? Or possibly both? No. Not in a million years. But we'll still have to carry it through anyway."
"That's how life as a psion goes. Come on, let's get the team assembled and we'll move out."

Alex frowned as he walked across the bridge slowly, following closely behind Cheryl, his assigned partner. The Helix bridge was surprisingly devoid of passer-bys - but then again, it was midnight. Despite what they said, the city did go to sleep, especially on a weekend like this.
"How can we even trust Lucia that she'll bring him here anyway?" Jim asked, ever the paranoid veteran. "She could be setting us up."
"Even so, we'll meet him, no?" Kate rebutted from behind him, bringing up the rear. "We may be walking into the lion's den here... but we'll find him, one way or another."
"Yeah but I would like to fight on at least even terms, not his," Jim grumbled. "It just doesn't seem right-" he paused as he noticed Kate's presence had disappeared. "Did you sense something?" he turned around, only to realise she had physically disappeared as well.
"Contact!" Jim shouted out of old habit as he readied himself for combat. Ahead, Danielle held up her hand, signalling them to take up a defensive position around her. The team hastened to comply, only to discover Horace missing as well.
"What the hell- he just disappeared right in front of my eyes," Imelda cursed.
"Would you guys stop panicking?"
"How on earth do you expect- wait, who was that?" Alex blinked.
"Boo," Lucia replied gleefully as she appeared in the middle of their circle and snapped her fingers. Everyone except Alex vanished.
"What the fuck!" the young man swore as he gathered his energies. Lucia charged at him and... hugged him?
"You came! I was starting to think you guys wouldn't. Come on, let's go get this show on the road. We don't have long until the rest get back," she shouted in a long excited burst as she took his hand and began dragging him along.
"What th- what the hell did you just do to the rest?" Alex stuttered, uncertain of what he was supposed to do. Is Lucia an ally or an enemy? Just what is going on?
"Oh no. I just sent them to separate micro-planes for a while, crafted with Legion's power and out of Jacen's soul. What they will face there will weaken Legion, as well as give them the strength to face it later on. Sorry I didn't get to brief them all before this, but we're really short on time. You have your own trials to face too."
Alex struggled to digest all the information as he stumbled after her, now heading into the deserted malls that somehow opened up for them. "Will you at least brief me on what I've to do too?"
"For now he just wants to talk to you. After we've killed him though, you'll have to deal with a particularly ugly part of him: the Slayer."
"Oh motherfucker."
"Couldn't have put it better myself." Lucia replied cheerfully.

My mind is trying to go back to its foolish ways.

2011-12-23T03:05:00.000+08:00

But I will force it down. I can shut the self-deluding voices out.
Made concessions with it by allowing it to play with the concept of separate identities (not personalities, mind you, that's a whole other level), so long as it would stop trying to warp reality and warp only my own mind instead.
It's been a pretty boring week though. The most eventful thing would probably be me falling sick and reporting sick two days in a row, and still not getting my Attend C despite a fever peaking at 38.9 degrees Celcius. But whatever, I'm out and I don't give a fuck anymore.
Clearing offs and leaves. A nice long break that we so rightfully deserve- but we all expect to get back to work at any moment. There's a high possibility anyway.
In fact, it's most possible it's tomorrow hmm. We'll see, eh?
Christmas is coming. This year I am filled with... peace? I have lost more this year than ever, but perhaps it is also the year I have gained a lot. So I won't be greedy, I won't ask for anything more. I'll just remain grateful for the wisdom I've gained, and the ability to let go of two of the people who were once the center of my world.
Let me keep the wisdom I have been granted, I suppose. But that's down to me- my fight against my mind as usual. In some aspects my mind is so astonishingly child-like (refusal to accept responsibility and reality), in others it is surprisingly sinister (in the means it turns to trying to maintain the status quo).
But of course, I am similarly sinister. Just as how it used to tear apart my life from the inside, I can now tear apart its plans whenever I get the chance. Turnabout is fair play.
I foresee this fight will go on for some time hmm. It'll be a while until I can heal- especially when I still don't even know what split me in the first place. All I know is that for the longest time I've been scared of fighting through all these trials alone... And that is when it'll step in and tell me I'm not alone.
That we'll always fight together.
Good old days. Better days. Before I was forced to change to adapt to my new world.
Sigh. Whatever. I'll get some sleep now.

What a weekend. Wish it would last.

2011-12-18T14:36:00.000+08:00

Eventful week? Maybe. I'm not sure what really happened though- this week seems to have passed in a haze.
Mostly because I've been slowly but surely aggravating my problems to experience what it's like, and so I've actually damaged my psyche further on purpose.
It's kinda cool, losing time. The major downside is perhaps not being in the right state of mind for the right activity, which seems to most involve Lucia being at the forefront for a variety of activities ranging from army drills to interacting with bunkmates. She's always either complaining we're going to chip our nails, or moving in very sensuous manners.
I swear if it wasn't me myself, I'll need brain bleach.
Anyway, not much to say training-wise. Back to work, back to the grind. But it's also more relaxed.
New specs came in, but they keep acting like SCTs. We're all waiting for the CSM to fuck them over, hopefully soon.
And I nearly lost a weapon part but luckily it was found.
There was RT on Friday, but I didn't get called back, so. =D Was scared for a moment cause my Monday IPPT cat test result didn't make it for 2.4km (4 hours of sleep + huge dinner the night before is a no-go). Luckily they looked at the results for both cat tests to determine whether I really needed it.

So Friday I took the time to wander around town instead. Went through Plaza Sing, City Hall and Raffles Place. Bought myself a 500 piece puzzle titled Dark Cupid to do over my Christmas leave (only finished the border so far).
Sat at Starbucks to have dinner, my usual drink with my usual cake. Watched this pair of girls around my age- not because they were particularly good looking, but because they looked really close, just hanging out together, talking and playing with their gadgets. It made me kind of sad I can't ever experience that kind of friendship...
Ah well. It was an interesting night, mm.
Then yesterday my old year 3/4 class decided to have a gathering at Clarence's house, and quite a few levelmates crashed too. Food was awesome: Clarence has always been an awesome chef and he certainly didn't disappoint this time. We had a leg of roast lamb (not cooked by him but still awesome anyway), great sauces to go with it, homemade cookies, ice-cream, and enough alcohol to down an elephant. The ironic part was 4 different people brought alcohol (including me), and we didn't drink much. I brought mine back heh.
I didn't socialize much. Seemed to be stuck in my old funk regarding my levelmates, but just listening in was kinda fun.

My weekend is fast coming to an end. D= Spent much of it Minecrafting with my sis.
And it's been over half a year since I blogged about Minecraft! Surprised by how long it's been.
Anyway, serious picture spam this time round. ^^ Seven months and tons of updates (1.0 fyeahhh) result in a lot of pics.
My sis and I have been working on a couple of bases. Here're some of the more interesting features. The pictures get better the further down you go. =P

Entertainment room. Pool table, plus TV technology! All thanks to the video by awesome Dan, from nerdcubed! It's one of my favourite sites these days.

Kitchen. Cauldrons make for good additions to the kitchen furniture, plus I learned how to make fridges out of a dispenser, an iron door and a button. Again, thanks to the video.

Saunas have always been common. This is part of my biome series of rooms, simulating underwater. That thing at the back is a towel rack.

Snow biome, used as a wine cellar. Featuring the new snow golem just for fun.

My mini lake for fishing and diving. I originally envisioned it to be much larger, but I settled for a smaller one instead. The iron door at the bottom leads to the asylum.

... Yes. The asylum. What? o.o

Featuring inmates such as Jack Arkham/Mr. Kibbles (for Dissociative Identity Disorder) and Lucia Hunter, also there for the same. Poor Lucia. =(

The Naughty Corner. Featuring Soul Sand ground, Netherrack walls and a wall of lava.
...Okay fine, it's a torture room.

My sister built an awesome bar. It's really quite aesthetic. She also hired Frank to be our bartender.

The new EXP system is good and all, until one exploits mass farming of silverfish by hacking in silverfish stone and tons of potions of harming. Then one gets relentlessly chased by EXP orbs that just refuse to go into your head fast enough.

My sister and I decided to take on the Enderdragon. She complained that fighting dragons in Skyrim at least had music, so I put down a jukebox for her. Decided to take a screenshot, ended up with the most epic one ever.
And that's about it. Back to more adventures in Minecraft, I suppose! =D

a new day?

2011-12-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

Tarot reading for my birthday. I asked the cards about my wish, which was for absolution or death.
Reversed Seven of Wands, Ten of Swords, The Chariot.
Seven of Wands in the past position indicates I stood my ground in the past, with absolute belief in my position- except it's reversed, meaning the opposite. Which kind of makes sense, if it refers to my wavering ground.
Ten of Swords in the present position indicates I am leaving behind one of the worst chapters in my life. I have hit bottom, and a new dawn is about to come.
The Chariot in the future position indicates a coming victory, a battle for control will be won.

Same as the last reading really- the difference is the time-scale. This reading is like the previous, but some time forward. Instead of currently experiencing the lowest depths, I have experienced them. Things are supposed to start getting brighter any moment now.
Why are all my goddamned readings so positive and yet my life still sucks. ._.
Patience, I suppose. Gotta keep working for tomorrow.

Nothing ever changes around here.

2011-12-11T21:01:00.000+08:00

Just another lonely birthday. S'alright, s'okay. Business as usual.
Though I did go out with the guys yesterday. Lunch at Kenny Roger's, an hour of pool, messing around with arcade machines, then lots of wandering around the city area. Walked across the Helix Bridge, stopped for ice-cream from the typical roadside stall, entered Marina Bay Sands, ended up having hot chocolate at some Starbucks somewhere before we all went home.
Saw a side of the city area I hadn't seen before. Will take another look another day, another night perhaps.
The guys got me a book- definitely Nopol's idea. The Myth Of Sanity, by Professor Martha Stout. Damn it man, it's... just awesome. I couldn't stop laughing when I unwrapped it cause it meant so much. I've been opening up to Nopol lately about my problems, and it was just great that he understood- and that he knew what I needed, even when I myself didn't know what I needed.
I stopped by Caesar's at Plaza Sing. Turns out their membership card thing hadn't started yet, so there wasn't a point. But I got myself a mini crusader sword. It was on sale, so. It's more the size of a ceremonial dagger though... Thinking of sharpening it. But then the temptation would be too great.
Then today I spent the day playing Minecraft with my sis, and had dinner with my family at Nihon Mura as usual.

Kinda boring weekend, really. I guess it's just lacking in the things I want.
A word from her wouldn't have hurt- I did spend my last birthday with her after all. But I ain't gonna let myself get too down over that. I'll just look forward to next year.
Seriously now though, is this how my life is going to be for the next year? I don't think I can stand it. It's messed up. It's lonely. It's terrible.
I just wish I had... someone.
Ugh. This isn't my worst birthday ever, but in some ways it's more terrible than before.
Pax.

A deadly spread.

2011-12-05T09:59:00.000+08:00

So I did a tarot reading last week while I was feeling terribly attuned, and this was what I got: Death, The Tower, and reversed Judgment.
This is the first time I've gotten three of the Major Arcana in one spread. It's rare. It's also perhaps terribly accurate.
The Death card in the past position signifies that a huge change has occurred, that an era has come to end in the recent past. This is of course true (my overcoming of my obsession), and we are already halfway in the new beginning.
The Tower in the present position signifies that my world is being shaken up by huge shifts and changes. This is probably in reference to my psyche, which has indeed undergone some major structuring and not by choice. My social networks have also undergone some changes of late.
The most puzzling card is reversed Judgment in the future position. Basically it is advising me to slow down and give things more thought before executing. A change is coming, but I could mess it up with a hasty decision.
I have a feeling I should've remembered that last night- I said things I shouldn't have. Except if my logs are right, Facebook chat somehow managed to mess up at that exact time, and the messages weren't sent. I can't believe my extreme luck, so I'm still working with the assumption that I let it slip.
But perhaps it's another chance from fate. Someone really doesn't want me to screw this one up. O.o
Please don't tell me she's the one. I'll be horrified. Slightly happy, but still horrified. Not to mention the inevitable fallout. *grimaces*

Get out of my head. =(

2011-12-04T01:07:00.001+08:00

So I was bored enough to do a personality test. I couldn't resist when people tell me it's accurate.

Diagnosis: You have a poetic sensibility and an ability to see beyond the day to day. You often seem to be living in a higher realm, or to be not-of-this-earth. Occasionally you imagine interior lives for friends and associates that are near-complete fabrications based on your fears or hopes for the future. You are often not aware of your own feelings. You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and because of this are often disappointed. Despite what can sometimes be a destructive inward-turning anger, you are very gentle. You are sometimes a bit out of touch with the ebb and flow of modern life. If your behavior is out of synch with your moral values, a severe psychic disturbance can result. Because connectivity is so important to you, you can become quiet and sulky if you feel that others around do not understand your point of view.

Well, what the fuck. Not 100% accurate of course, but it knows a few things that would be not possible to just cold-read from the test itself- one can't cold-read anything since it's more or less a series of pictures instead of words and concepts. There's quite a bit of science involved here, and I'm... almost amazed by the analysis of the mind done.

And another test of the same creator:
This client has a strong but battered will, and is likely under stress from holding up against the pressures of modern life. Self control is paramount with this individual and this can make him or her brittle and subject to emotional collapse. An ideal subject, such a client may be appealed to through the potential for emotional recovery that is present when a mind is at rest.
Stress and interpersonal conflict have lead this individual to a temporary life of short-sightedness and impulsivity. It is likely that he or she is highly irritable in the pursuit of personal goals, which are seen as being of absolute importance.

Hmm. This one is again accurate, though I am inclined to think it's a bit more general and not as precise as the previous.
Anyway, do try it out or something. Doesn't take too long, only 20 pictures.

Nights out this week was spent at Jurong Point. Pretty much wandered around. And got myself a marimo as a pet hehe.
Except I accidentally shattered it's container. -.- I bought a new one today at Daiso and made a prettier home for it.
And I went to town today. Went through the shops but couldn't decide on anything to get. Kinokuniya had nothing interesting, visited Uniqlo but nothing caught my eye enough for me to want to get it badly- I'm pretty sure I want a new jacket that looks more formal than my leather-looking one so I can wear it to important events - the only such thing was a trench coat. And after a good half hour of deciding, I realised I can't pull off a trench coat. It just looks weird.
What I did manage to get though, was a pair of shoes from Bata at IMM. Yay, my first self-bought pair of walking shoes. No more wearing Asics everywhere.
I originally wanted to scout out the areas in my fiction but I decided it wasn't time still. So.
Oh yeah, most epic moment of the day: I was walking along a dark walkway heading back to the bus-stop from IMM earlier while it was dark and raining. I turned the corner and there was this couple who actually jumped visibly backwards when they saw me. It was just so damn funny. ^^ I shouldn't be listening to this while walking around, huh? It makes me put on a scary face. XD
And that was about it for my week... I hope next weekend comes soon. ^^
Though there's really nothing to look forward to... Not this year. *sigh*
Shopping always makes me think of Joanne (She was pretty much the only person who ever dragged me shopping before, making her my fashion advisor). Saw this kewl leather woman's jacket at Coldwear and badly wanted to buy it for her for Christmas or something, but I restrained myself. >.<
Whatever. I'll get back to gaming now.

Winter is here.

2011-11-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

ima kimi ga suki de
teka kimi ga suki de
mushiro kimi ga suki de
konna baka na boku wo kimi wa suki de
aishitekurete.
konna uta kiite naitekurete
arigatou.
I'm in trouble. =/

Been a weird couple of days. More happenings than I would've liked, at any rate. More dreams than I would've liked too.
Fought with someone I adore and respect- or more like just me screaming at her and her just being her usual unflappable self. Things are still fine, though I would like to rely less on her.
Today we had a PT competition, and the prize was nights out tomorrow. It was a scary tie in the first two stages- between all four platoons some more. Leaving it to the Last Man Planking to decide.
That was one sick competition. My platoonmate was the final one at over 12:40. By the 9th minute all the men had already collapsed, leaving him vs one spec from platoon 8 and 9 each.
It was... Frightening. He wasn't even shaking. That was some serious shit right there.
Anyway, we also got a canteen break from our PC as additional bonus heh. So broke this week.
Started playing The 3rd Birthday on my PSP, since my finger has finally healed enough to hit the R button. It's a good game, I suppose, though the story can be confusing if one does not stop to examine all the files between missions- the timeline itself changes with every mission one undertakes, and that means the setting too.
I like it cause it's an interesting system- instead of being the lone hero, you need to keep your people alive... So you can possess their bodies and take advantageous positions and set up crossfires.
Or y'know, just keep them around as spare bodies for when the boss finally comes around to smash your (current) head in. Which happens a lot.
In other news I played Project Diva 2nd and didn't stop for hours on Monday until I finally got Perfect for Ai Kotoba on Extreme mode. Lucky I like that song.
Shit is going to hit the fan. *takes cover*
Pax.

Oyasumi.

2011-11-26T21:38:00.000+08:00

I watched you slumbering
dreaming of distant lands and impossible futures
unaware of my presence
or the tears running down my cheeks

I've long since hidden this ache
avoiding memories of you, of us
but watching your sleeping profile
just brings it all back

I held your hand gently
careful not to wake you
remembering how these spaces
fit each other just perfectly
It'll be wonderful if I could
spend another day with you once more
I just wish even such a small wish
could be made a miracle

But as it is the words flee me
I cannot tell you
how much you meant to me

nor can I tell you goodbye

Even if this life comes to an end someday
I'll always remember you
these memories
won't ever fade

When I wake up from this dream
when I go back to the end of us
I hope that the night sky
will still contain your smile

Good night.

raises eyebrow

2011-11-26T03:20:00.000+08:00

... About half a year back, maybe more, I dreamed I went out with Claire and kissed her.
Then July happened.
Sometime in August I dreamed I made up with Ting.
Then this week happened.
And don't even get me started on December of 2008. No one likes to remember that event.
All impossible things at the time, yet Fate proves ever the wild card. Now if only these coincidences happened more often. I have another dozen less vivid, yet more possible dreams I wish would happen.

Went jogging earlier. By "earlier" I meant from 10.30pm till 11.30pm.
Not my first night run, but the first time I left the house so late just for a jog. My dad went wtf at me initially but he let me go without saying much in the end.
Half training, half coping with mania.
The night reminds me of things I hadn't wanted to face and so deliberately left out of the new me. It also reminds me that I must find another method to deal with them instead of just ignoring them.
The corner of my right index fingernail is now black. =( Still can't type, meaning I can't actually game with it. Typing speed is also slowed considering my right middle finger now has to do all the work.
Terribly addicted to Vocaloid. -.- World Is Mine is awfully cute, especially the video.
Feel like treating myself tomorrow. Shall request to cook cold crab.
Best get some sleep now, if I'm to go out and buy that.
Pax.

Resistance: It's getting harder.

2011-11-25T01:30:00.000+08:00

But at the same time it's simpler than anything I've been trying to think of/explain/analogise/reason with. It all comes down to a single idea, one I knew but didn't pick out of the dozens until she stated it out for me. To keep trying.
We're all trying.
I won't give up, not unless this social link is broken again.
But for now I'll take things slow. Try and figure out what's wrong with my mind. Maybe keep track of every thought that flashes past whenever I get into one of those choked up self-strangling loops.
And right now... bed time. Hah!
Pax.

PS: Nailed my right index finger with the sledgehammer on Wednesday. Can't do a lot of things, can't even type. On the bright side I avoided work entirely today by only having to drive tanks, and most of the time I was just inside using my Blackberry.

Inertia.

2011-11-22T20:50:00.000+08:00

I changed my mind, I am promising this to myself after all. I will recover.
Because as much as I want to avoid the melodrama and thinking it's fate or whatever, life has indeed been good to me. This is my chance, and I won't screw it up, no matter what!
Today I repaired the Empress social link. The one thing that has been broken since... god knows when. Hell, it's been so long, I barely remember... But I remember it was good while it was there, and apparently so did she, for she took the effort to offer making up. I'm so glad I mustered the courage to approach her today.
Heh, even if today wasn't even about her. ^^
Today was the Convocation ceremony for the class of 2011. I took leave today just to attend, and it was... mm. Obviously it wasn't really emotional since it's not my convocation, but still. I've watched these guys grow up for the last 6 years, no matter what they'll always be juniors to me and I'll always remember them when we were small kids together, doing all that stupid shit heh.
It'll probably be the last time I get to see many of them, even the ones I hope to keep in touch with. But that's just how life goes. =)
Was there with Royston, Jensen and Darryl, along with a bunch of '08 graduands who were there for who knows what reason.
Talked to Ms Ng, as well as many of the juniors who I used to talk to.
Tian Lu returned me my formal jacket I originally lent him for prom, saying it was too big. I put it on so I could look like a boss LOL. =D
Found out some interesting gossip about one person from camp. Oh man, how could you be so blind... Don't hurt her. =/
And yeah, got the gumption to approach Ting and talk to her. Long conversation catching up with each other, her offering to make up (my ears gave me the usual Fruedian confusion), a nice hug, saying we'll talk on MSN, and a bro-handshake.
Damn it, I really missed her. I'm so glad. I'm really just... glad.
I left some time after that, walking to Clementi Mall, randomly shuffling along the way until my shoes started hurting me. XD Yeah, that was how hyper I was. Listening to Just Be Friends by Megurine Luka didn't help (how is a song about breaking up and full of miserable lyrics so upbeat?).
Got myself a white chocolate mocha frappe to reward myself, and here I am, back home.
Gotta prepare for book-in. ^^ This is going to be a short couple of days, and I will enjoy myself while I can.
Pax.

Always look forward to tomorrow.

2011-11-21T01:57:00.000+08:00

Turning misery into meaningfulness
Changing day after day
Your affection, your affection, taking pride from fear
Past will tell you when to make yourself a hero

I believe in every song lies a message, and put together they weave a tapestry, a prophecy of the future. And now it's time for this particular thread.

It's been... quite a weekend?
Just wow, really.
Got sucker-punched in the face quite a few times, both literally and figuratively.
Opening my eyes. Waking up to find myself in the hole I've dug myself into. I couldn't face up to reality so this was what I did to myself.
It's not like I never knew it all along; I just never had the gumption to do anything about it. I never really realised just how it might have been the one thing causing me to lose things.
I don't want to promise anything. But that doesn't mean I won't try.
Everything's already slipping from my mind though. It will be hard to keep up this fight against this... construct in my mind that I've conditioned myself into using. It will always be easier to fade back and let my own lies to myself take over. But that wouldn't be right.
The conversations I faced reminded me of two things I read before though. The first is that people who do not suffer from the condition will not understand. It was my mistake in believing in human empathy - even if it was the lack of such that was the force to slap me awake. Still, I am... disappointed? I'm not quite sure. Perhaps it was just because I gave someone more credit than was due; I believed too much in humanity only to realise that some people are destined to never have an awakening, to have had their human spirit crushed by the machine entirely without even knowing it.
The second is that I have to play by the rules, even the- especially the unwritten social ones.
All in all, I won't lose hope, and at the same time I best let go. Not in the old way, not by sending my heart into hibernation, but by growing up.
I want this to be a new beginning.

Today our sergeant decided to treat the platoon to Seoul Garden at Bugis. Our 2IC showed up, and we uhh, conveniently forgot to inform our PC that we were having this platoon outing. ^^
Ate a lot since I was seated at the same table with our two commanders present, and they kept spamming meat. At one point I dished out fishballs to my 2IC and told him, "Balls to you, sir."
And unleashed the Turkey curse multiple times. In public. Seriously. That was fun.
Originally wanted to go LAN gaming, but there was too many people, so we hit the cinema instead and got tickets for Apple Of My Eye. By this point a third of us had already departed.
The movie only started an hour later, at 9.40pm, so we went shopping instead. Explored 77th Street and found this really awesome wolf-head amulet, except it cost 25 bucks and urghh I've been spending too much lately.
(Oh yeah, I got a new pair of earphones for my BB for $35. =/ Cause I sat on my last pair and it twisted and the wire's exposed eep. Even if it's still working, I need a new one..)
Also window-shopped for shoes cause I'm sick of wearing my Asics out ehehe. Shoes are the one thing I can't steal from my brother's unused wardrobe! XD
Got three Subway cookies for the movie. OMNOMNOMNOM.
The movie was great. The ending left me smiling like an idiot and feeling so peaceful and speechless, utterly speechless. It makes me feel like I can let go, really just let go for once.
I think it's great to watch a love movie with a bittersweet ending, one that doesn't end happily ever after (not in this universe anyway). It's an important reminder that life isn't perfect, we all fuck up, but we'll all be alright. We will be just fine.
The movie was an important addition to my current feelings. I am glad I stayed to watch it with the guys.
Took the last train back home, and ran back, listening to Connect by ClariS.
Time to get some sleep. I may go out again tomorrow.

My heart awakes in order to depict the future
Even if I come to a halt on a tough road
The beautiful blue sky always waits for me
Therefore I'm not afraid
I won't be disheartened anymore no matter what happens

What a crappy week...

2011-11-18T02:01:00.000+08:00

A whole lot of ICCT, which was hard to get back into cause I missed the whole first week of lessons and I only had two days of lessons to catch up before the actual grading.
Monday, I sparred against my officer. Was pretty much just me getting wailed on since he's like, 11kg heavier than me and man, I got winded pretty easily. Those "weapons" really suck; I bet I would've at least stood a chance if I was using a choken...
Then final grading on Wednesday. Only messed up once, but got it on the given retry and didn't have to retake unlike half of the others. Ironic considering I had what, a third of the lessons everyone else had. For the sparring, it was quite a release, though there were consequences: my partner's hands were bleeding at the end of it (which got even worse when it turned out he had to retake one section cause he was too gentle with me trolololol). O_O accidents happen. Maybe I shouldn't have gone with someone my own weight after all.
I also watched Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica while in camp, which is possibly the most depressing and dark anime about magical little girls to be made. It is also really good.
There was a company movie night instead of the much wanted nights out. We watched Hot Tub Time Machine, which is a movie that doesn't make any sense, but is humourous enough to cover it up.
The biggest event of the week though, would probably be my phone crashing after a flawed app update, and it was out of commission for three whole days until I just fixed it earlier. It was very, very depressing. I was forced to find all sorts of entertainment, from watching anime to writing my fiction in my notebook, to breaking out my tarot cards and reading my platoon-mates' fortunes.
That last one was kind of amusing.
Without my music my insanity was lightened up, but I also lost the ability to channel it. I also lost my usual contacts but I sort of grew closer to my platoon-mates. I don't know.
Still not an experience I want to repeat.
I've guard duty tomorrow. Hurray.
Persona 4 is getting deliciously exciting, all the tension and all that (Rise finally appeared! Kyaaaaa~). I love it when the detective is suspecting his nephew and his ragtag bunch (aka the protagonist and his team) of the murders. Persona 4, possibly the most upbeat and happy game to be made about murder.
Alright, guess I'll get in some writing before off to bed.
Pax.

So much win!

2011-11-13T21:28:00.000+08:00

AFA today was much better, much more win.
The P4 cast wasn't around today, but we had a P3 cast instead. A couple of Minatos, Junpei, Mitsuru, and also Souji alone.
The most epic part was when they were on the live broadcast and Mitsuru made Minato and Junpei kneel down. EXECUTION! So much win.
Also a couple of Kanades, though they didn't do as well as I think a certain friend of mine would have.
I took photos with Joanne, Vivian, and Claire. Joanne dressed in some dress as usual, Vivian as a witch from somewhere, and Claire in a maid costume.
My arm kind of went around Claire's shoulders without thinking. I hope she doesn't overreact...
And oh, met up with Mitra, Xiang Wen, Mendel and Peck Yong today. Separately. Though Mendel, NPY and I spent quite some time wandering around together.
Much thanks to NPY for being my partner and photographer as we went around. My precious photos were taken by him. ^^ He was also the one pushing me to do a fair bit of stuff, which was the guts I needed.
Okay it's been a pretty good weekend I suppose, even if I didn't play P4 except for a couple of hours on Friday night. Can book in with ease of mind (and an empty wallet).
Onwards~

What the fuck was that?

2011-11-12T22:49:00.002+08:00

It's been quite a week. Long story short, injured myself during ICCT thanks to Mun Chung's bumbly clumsiness, got sent to NUH for an X-Ray, knees still hurt, had Attend B for the whole week which placed me on perma Eyepower Division, still went down to attend MCYS's Youth Consultation Exercise on Thursday though, and had a company cohesion (BBQ) on that evening. Surprisingly I had two packs of marshmallows, what a coincidence!
This week was a good test of my new fusion spell, Final Fate: consisting of Fortune (Theophila) and The Tower (Cassandra). Combining both luck and disasters, unstoppable simply because no one else can touch that kind of stuff.
Next week I might have the chance to try out something new, King and I. Consisting of Emperor (natural affinity) and The Star (Edith), I believe it will be essential to protecting ourselves. And what I promised, I will deliver. Don't worry guys, I'll always watch over our welfare...
Also in revision, there is someone, one of my new acquaintances who fulfils the role of The Devil Arcana nicely. The only sad part is that when he was available to begin that particular social link, I was put-off (and even more so now) by my subconscious, which freaks at the fact that he's kind of close to her. I don't think this is a social link I can start until I get over that damn fact. (No Devil Social Link? D= No Beelzebub! [Ah hell, Lucifer is Judgement anyway.])

I went down to AFA today. I met up with the year 6 guys, linked up with Damien plus his friend and Gan Shun and his sister, and we all squeezed into Moe Moe Kyun Cafe where Charmaine was working. She looks... very different.
I saw people cosplaying as Persona 4 characters! Souji, Chie and Yukiko to be precise. WHY NO RISE? WHY? WHY?!!??!
Walked out with the year 6s, who were heading out of the hall. On the way out, I passed by a few familiar faces. Ten meters past them (that's a long time considering the crowd), I turned around, went wtf, and gave chase.
Yeah, it was Claire cosplaying as Haruhi, though I had trouble trying to talk to her while she was as usual, muttering at me in Japanese, so. -.-
Gave up, left. Went to the main stage. Linked up with Wai Siong and Glenn. Then back to the hunt, running all over, not knowing just what the hell I was doing.
Met up with the year 6s again in the food court down in Suntec Basement. Also met Damien. At this point I had given up hope. The original wish was complete, but I still felt incomplete. The sidequest had not been successful. Nothing worked out.
I went back upstairs in the hope I would find some merchandise I could actually get. But there was none.
And by some immense stroke of luck, I met Kenneth, a long graduated senior. He didn't recognize me, but I pulled him to one side and talked. And then I found out that I was a mere seven meters from Claire the whole damn time, just that she was hidden by the crowd.
As it turns out, she "hijacked" the nico nico douga booth, which was one promoting the Japanese equivalent of youtube. By hijacked I meant won the crowd and internet population over with her perfect Japanese, dancing and singing. She became the emcee out of nowhere, with the internet clamouring for nico nico to hire her.
I stood there for a good two hours plus, just watching her.
Just watching her, even if I didn't understand a single word she was saying as she interviewed cosplayer after another.
Just watched, even if we avoided looking at each other. Even as I found myself looking at the image in the TV screen instead of directly at her.
After the broadcast ended, she spent a long time meeting all the staff and directors and people in charge of the site, which was kinda amazing. Collected tons of namecards, and even a rare playing card, signed by the director.
So... What can I say. I'm proud of her. Really proud of her.
Wei Ren helped take a picture of us together.
After that, after hanging a while awkwardly, I just gave up, said goodbye, broke and ran.
Ran.
Fucking ran.
Didn't stop running until I reached my train, at City Hall.
I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what I'm thinking.
I don't know if I love her, if I hate her. I want to strangle her, I want to caress her, I'm a boiling mess of frustration and adoration every time I see her.
I want to leave her behind, I want her back.
It's not fair. It's not fair that she can live without me.
I cannot force her reactions. Perhaps that is why I have to try so hard, and am trying so hard.
Give me a sign. Give me hope, please.
And you. You're next on my list. I'll be seeing you tomorrow.

Staying up just to get down~

2011-10-30T19:28:00.000+08:00

Yes! *fist pump* Social link completed!
I edited the list accordingly, along with a couple that have long since been completed.
But I guess a part of me knew this was coming. I've been using Helel for these couple of weeks without knowing the true significance. Without realising what it meant, that I've completed The Star social link. I mistook the lack of feeling for it being reversed/broken, when it actually meant it was done...
Well. Edith and I parted on good terms finally after a couple of months of not talking.
I had pizza for dinner.
All is well.

I'll probably edit this post later to throw in a chunk of foreboding words after I think them up.

XIII: Death

2011-10-29T21:32:00.012+08:00

AN: Boring story if you were looking for action. The first large chunk is also kind of useless; feel free to skip to the second.
Also, everything here is a clue! D= I rarely write so many clues into the story, from title to dialogue.

"Alright, let's get down to tacks." Danielle called the meeting to order. The entire psionic strike team was gathered along with Alex within one of their conference rooms upon the eleventh floor, and the general mood was dark. How could it be anything else? They had faced their old comrade in battle, and would be doing so again.
"Masters," Alex began respectfully, "As much as I agree that Jacen has to be apprehended, I don't see what I can bring to such a powerful team."
"Bah, don't undercut yourself. And drop all the Masters and just call us all by name," Jim grumbled.
"Yeah, all that training we gave you in the last half a year has raised your level to ours. I don't know how you progressed so fast, but you're just as qualified as any of us, if not more." That was Cheryl. Of course, she would brag about her own student...
The Grandmistress seemed to agree, however. "That is correct. You may lack experience, Alex, but I've tested you myself and you make the mark. If not for the other requirements, you indeed have reached the level of master. As painful as it is, we need your help within the strike team."
Alex sighed. "I'm honoured. Really, I am. But... I don't want to fight him..."
"You don't have a choice. Unless I'm mistaken, you're the only one who can fight him. You and him shared a bond that cannot be broken, and no matter how misguided he is, I know he'll be unable to strike you down just like he did the rest of the team."
"You're the chosen one!" Horace quipped.
The teenager's only response was to slap his forehead with his palm with a simple "Meh."
Danielle took out a marker and hovered near the whiteboard in the center of the room. "We'll start with what we're facing, with a debrief of our last operation to capture him. The first to encounter and fight him was Horace. If you please."
Horace stood up, and hemmed and hawed for a moment before starting his story. "Well I tried to talk him down... He didn't respond well. And when I tried to probe his mind, his aura was different from what I remembered. It seemed... sharper? Almost as if he was so focused he could weaponize his very aura. We traded a few bolts, he charged me and I was knocked out cold."
The Grandmistress tapped the board impatiently with her marker. "He said something, didn't he? I don't mean the conversation, but he definitely said things out of place. Almost as if he was talking to himself or calling his attacks?"
"Yeah. Something about Hunter class. And uhh... Hand of Zealotry."
Danielle nodded as she wrote the terms on the whiteboard. "Next contact."
Imelda stood up stiffly, averting everyone's gazes. "He didn't say anything of import. We didn't even fight, he just slipped by me."
The Grandmistress nearly clasped a hand to her mouth in shock before she swiftly recovered. She knew there was only one thing Jacen could've said that would incapacitate Imelda enough for him to just walk by. But revealing that secret? Really? Poor woman... I should make sure she's okay afterwards. I should've noticed over the last few days too, Danielle berated herself.
"Next encounter then," Danielle waved on hurriedly when she realised the meeting room was left in an awkward silence.
"Uhh. That was the one with everyone," Kate pointed out.
"Let's have the most observant one then," Jim suggested. "Cheryl?"
Horace raised his hand to interrupt. "Wait, before you go on, I have one observation to make. His aura changed halfway through the confrontation, just right before we broke out into the fight. This one was like there was a greater shadow of something hovering over him... or surrounding him."
"The Kinslayer. I'll just name that Slayer class according to his conventions," Danielle muttered as she wrote that down as well. "Cheryl?"
"Not much to say. He didn't use outer shields for this encounter, merely one layer surrounding his skin. He utilized this skill he called Whip of Torment, but it seemed like he wasn't really in control at that time."
"What was it like?" Alex asked as he winced in sympathy. It certainly sounded painful.
"Like a burning whip holding you in place. He dropped it as soon as he regained his focus though, I could see it in his eyes." Cheryl paused as she frowned. "Regret. He didn't want to use it, I think."
"Any other skills?" Danielle asked.
"Same burning energy infused into his aura as a shield. Deters physical attacks, and doubles the force of outgoing psionic strikes. Then he had another couple of skills for recovering his energy from nowhere, as well as times when our strikes did nothing to him at all.
"Then the final skill he pulled was Caustic Orb. Some strange form of energy I have never encountered before, drained our shields out short when it clung on. I managed to drop mine for a second and it dissipated, but everyone else lost theirs. We all got knocked out right afterwards... Or well, almost. I hung on for a bit longer and... he healed me."
For some reason, no one was surprised at the news. Horace gave a sagely nod, while Kate sighed.
"The last fight was against me," Danielle shrugged as she took over. "Not a lot to say, mostly a fight of brutal strength. But he did mention a few interesting things, such as the 'Hunter and Legion classes', whatever they are. As for this Legion, it was impossible to fight it. He could predict all my moves before I made them. And when he finally neared his limit, he murmured something about overdrive, and started shouting about some modules. One of which can apparently paralyse people completely for a while. I don't need to say this, but his strikes at the end were amongst the most powerful ever thrown. I held on shielding until he finally collapsed, drained of all energy."
Alex frowned. "God damn it, I can't believe we're doing this..."
"Stop whining," Jim glared at him.
"Whatever. And so how did he escape?"
"Lucia picked him up."
"Oh you've got to be kidding me..." The news triggered another face-palm from Alex. "So we're dealing with both Jacen and Lucia?"
"That is correct," Danielle confirmed grimly.
"Might as well throw in the towel," Kate snorted. "Jacen can trash more than half our asses before we take him out, and that girl can escape any form of encirclement ever devised. We'll never get them."
"I'm flattered you think that of me," a cheerful voice announced from a chair in the corner of the room, a chair that had been empty up until a moment ago..
Alex's only response was a third face-palm.

"Hey y'all, I come in peace! No one gonna start throwing any bolts, okay?" Lucia asked apprehensively.
Alex examined the girl sitting there as serenely as if she belonged in that seat since the start of the meeting. Dressed in a simple black sweater over a white dress, she probably would've turned quite a few heads in the streets... if anyone was even capable of maintaining their gaze on her. One of Lucia's stolen knowledge included projecting an uninteresting facade, and it was a skill she kept up almost constantly.
He shivered as she looked him directly in the eyes. Those unnerving crimson eyes of hers were wrong. Just wrong.
Everyone turned to Danielle, the highest ranked psion in the room. Who wasn't feeling too inclined towards the girl for her involvement a couple of days back. "What do you want?"
"Chill, alright? I know you didn't like what I did but it was what I had to do. I owe him that much."
"Get to the point. What do you want?" Danielle's voice was chillier than the Arctic ocean.
"I'm just here to explain to you all what Jacen wants. Why he's acting this way. I'm sure you all have felt unbearable hurt at having to face an old friend. I feel that pain too. That's why I'm here to try and help you all find a reason to fight him. Or well, to justify it, that is."
The silence in the room was palpable. Here were the answers they wanted all this while. But could they trust them, coming from the mouths of a girl who had deceived them so many times?
"You're horse-shitting us," Jim grunted.
"I don't have any reason to lie. Not this time. Back in my infancy I was simply struggling to gain all the power I could to survive, so I was forced to trick you all to steal the psionic knowledge I needed. But now, you all need to know what it is we're facing. It is his wish, too."
Only one word of that speech caught Alex's attention. "... Infancy?" he shot her a quizzical look.
Lucia frowned. "Never mind that. So? Are you all going to listen to me or not?"
Again, the room turned to Danielle, who only sat down with a sigh and waved the girl to continue.
"To sum things up, Jacen has fallen to the influence of the very power he created. He has been fighting it ever since he made it, but it seemed that of late he could hold it no more. I am referring to what you all know as Legion."
"Wait. Isn't Legion just a calculation system? To predict the movements of the human race?" Horace was nonplussed at how something like mathematics and number crunching could possibly affect Jacen to this degree.
For some reason Lucia looked offended. "It is more. Much more. You can't just predict humanity with numbers and figures, it's about being them. To understand and know every one. By taking Legion upon himself, he opened himself up far too much."
"So... Hmm. He wants power? Money? Typical human greed?"
Lucia shook her head softly, her golden tresses falling softly around her head. "He wants the world to end."
Everyone started violently except for Danielle, who only nodded as if it confirmed something she had known all along. "So that's why he's been stirring up trouble. And bringing in the aura beasts in the first place wasn't fully an accident then."
"Yes, Jacen was already under the influence, even if he fought them alongside you all and sacrificed to preserve this world's life for a while longer. But now he has succumbed completely. He is forced to voice and act out humanity's hidden wish, for it all to end."
"I don't believe it," Kate muttered. "Humanity sucks."
"Do not blame them, my dear. There are too many who have lost all hope. To them, death is... a comforting thought."
"Can we remove Legion from him?" Alex voiced out the question everyone was pondering.
"It is too late," Lucia shook her head. "I wish there was another way, but no. By the time you all face him once more, he'll be a hollow shell of the person you used to know. There will be nothing but nihilism in his heart, even if he retains the knowledge and memories of the past. It is safe to say that despite being the voice of humanity, he is less human than any of us... The only way to end this is with his death.
"I also regret to inform you all that time grows short. Jacen is gathering the power he used to hold in the past, but lost with the sacrifice. Once he has enough energy, he will simply implode this whole realm. Nothing will be left to mark humanity's passage upon this existence." Lucia's voice wavered slightly. She feared the end as much as anyone else.
"So we'll stop him," Kate remarked matter-of-factly. "We'll just have to kill him."
Horace shot up from his seat. "How could you just say something like that? Damn it, he's more than just another threat! He was not just our leader! He was our friend!"
Kate only threw back an icy stare. "He was our friend. If Lucia isn't lying, and I know she isn't, the Jacen we knew is dead, consumed by this stupid creation of his. The best way to honour him would be to free him from doing something he would have never wanted to do."
The master held her gaze for a moment more, before sinking down into his seat. "I don't want to be a part of this. I understand it has to be done, but murdering a friend as he reminisces about the past in front of me..."
"We all don't want to be a part of this," Danielle stated grimly. "But we're in it. And Kate is right, the best- the only way to respect his wishes would be to kill him and free him."
"Oh he's already free-" Lucia spoke happily, before clasping her hand to her mouth. "Oops," she giggled guiltily. "I see I picked up his bad habit of disclosing juicy bits." The comment earned her glares from everyone, but no one enquired further.
"But if you knew this, why did you save him last time?" The Grandmistress asked. "Wouldn't it have been easier to let us take him in, where we can terminate him now safely instead of having to fight him all over again?"
"That was the problem. I didn't know," Lucia admitted shamefaced, her eyes dropping to the floor. "I'm sorry, I just saw you attacking him and I didn't know what else to do. Of course I would extract him first and ask questions later."
"You said then that you knew things were changing and would affect the world. How would you explain that?"
Lucia kicked at the floor angrily. "It was just a feeling I got from my power... But even my vision is clouded when it comes to this matter, because for once fate has no definite path. Whether you choose to confront him or not, whether you win or not, every decision can still lead to multiple different endings. I believe this interference is because Legion is involved. My power is... similar to it."
Silence fell for a few minutes, before Danielle rose up. "We'll take a break for now before we reconvene to discuss battle tactics. Lucia, are you staying?"
"Nuh-uh," the girl shook her head. "I'm going to hang with him for as long as I can before the end of the world. You can have this list I copied off his phone though," she grinned as she handed a piece of paper to Danielle.
"This is... a list of his classes and skills. This is all of his current abilities!"
"Don't count on it cause of two things," Lucia grimaced. "One, he's been gathering pure energy to implode this realm, meaning he has a lot. And two, his power is based off his insanity. At this point, he's channelling energy with visualization alone. Meaning yes, he will use those skills, but he will also pull out hundreds of new tricks, whatever he is inspired to do at the moment. I suggest you look through his favourite games to get an idea."
"Thank you for the help, Lucia," Danielle shook the girl's hand. "I'm glad we're not enemies for once."
Lucia didn't reply, her face locked in a stoic expression. Danielle's slight smile on her face faded away. "Damn."
"... Yeah. I'm sorry, but I can't disobey a direct order from him. I swear I'm not lying though, really!" the girl exclaimed heatedly.
"It's alright. I believe you. You've already done a lot for us," Danielle glanced at the rest of the team. "I think you've put us a lot more at ease over the hard decisions to make."
Lucia seemed to want to say something else, but the words caught in her throat. Shaking her head, she turned and left the room.
With a frown, Alex got up. "I'll walk her out. Please continue without me if I don't get back fast enough."

An awkward silence hung between the two teenagers as the elevator descended. Alex took the opportunity to sneak another glance at her.
Honestly, Lucia would have been beautiful if not for two things about her. The first was her startling carmine irises, which was almost frightening when she held anyone's gaze for too long. And the second was her intense power, which despite not being in the form of energy, took the form of knowledge about fate.
"Wanna go out for some coffee together?" Lucia asked quietly, unlike her usual bubbly nature.
"I can't. Meeting and all. Maybe some other time, but somehow I don't think that would be right. Too much like friendcest for me."
"Everyone keeps quoting that word at me," the girl pouted. "When all this is over, trust me, you'll be begging me to spend time with you. And I'll be far far away in another country."
The elevator stopped at the eight floor, where they had to take another down the next seven floors. As they walked along the corridor through the office front doors to the other elevator, Alex took a stab at his suspicions. "So... Did you give rise to Legion, or the other way round?"
"Other way round."
"You don't seem surprised that I know."
"I know you're guessing, but it doesn't hurt to confirm it. Jacen said you were very perceptive and could piece everything together even without my help."
Alex found a slight smile tugging at his lips despite himself. "There are still things I don't get though. So your power is similar to his?"
"... Greater. Legion is a wonderful creation but just like the humanity it is, it is not perfect. I am what it gave rise to."
"Hmm. How did you two meet though?" Alex asked as they entered the other elevator. "I don't believe he just managed to find a orphan without a single contact in the world out of nowhere. Plus you're from where, Spain?"
Lucia laughed lightly. "I look like it, don't I? I was surprised, too."
"You were... surprised?" The comment puzzled Alex. How was someone surprised at their own appearance?
Again the light teasing laugh from Lucia. "You'll figure it out," she answered his unspoken question just before the lift stopped at the ground floor. "I'll see you soon." She stepped through the elevator doors and she was gone.
Alex blinked, as he hit the eight floor button again. All of this is too odd. It has the same feeling as one of Jacen's plans, but I'm pretty sure this one belongs to Lucia... I wonder what that means.
Guess we'll be finding out soon.

Yes, it's the clue. Dumbass.

2011-10-29T19:05:00.001+08:00

Cause in the night time, you can hear the city call
Hear the voices, coming through these paper walls
Hear the river, as it runs right through your homes
You can feel it, you can feel it~

Another shift, again.
It's been one hell of a week.
CPT is finally over. Ops-ready loh!
Also I managed to break down a tank even before we moved out. The coolant leaked and pooled all over the floor underneath it. I spotted it, and made a bet with my platoon-mate that if my tank broke down and their tank was passed to us, he would owe my crew a drink. He agreed.
Five minutes later, my officer noted the coolant leak and our tank was declared down. Free drink!
And then that night I bet with him again that my new tank wouldn't break down during CPT. He then decided to change the bet to the other way round, so if it did break down, he would owe us another drink.
And... yeah. Guess what happened during CPT. -.- The tank started out fine, and came back with every single warning light lit. It's one thing to bet against my luck, another to bet against my bad luck.
Epic shit, really. Our unstoppable kill streak has been noted throughout the company cause we've downed 8 tanks to date, at least once every outfield. (Plus hey, free drinks. Again.)
Booked out on Friday morning, went back to school to collect the 2010 yearbook- OH FUCK. I just realised I left it with Ming Wei. (GODDAMNIT.)
Anyway. I got the chance to meet up with Mr Cheong, Mathias and Jackie. (For some reason, almost every single goddamn time I go back, Jackie is there as well. It's really ridiculous.) Also saw Ms Ng, who said she would invite all of us over to her house soon. =D
Then poked Theophila for a bit. NO THEO I DON'T LIKE YOUR NEW HAIRSTYLE. =(
Eh... the usual confrontation between Claire and I. A couple of nods, nothing more. But auras speak more than actions anyway... Sigh. I made mistakes a couple of months back, and it has set me back by a whole year.
Hung out with the juniors after that until their exam. Then went out to Starbucks to chill for a bit.
Trekked through a fair bit of the Clementi area. Visited abandoned train-tracks and bashed through forests. Seemed pretty stupid to be bashing through forests when I did that the whole fucking week though.
Went back to Clementi Mall. Ate dinner at Ichiban Sushi with three juniors, ended up with me and another guy splitting the bill. o_o $50, my poor wallet. =/ I've been spending on too many big-ticket items lately to be treating juniors.
Lots of talking over dinner and afterwards. Feel a lot more assured about Isaac, who has certainly proved that he knows what the heck he's doing. Truly a worthy successor who follows the final lesson I decided upon: "To live and leave behind your own legacy."
Hmm. Nostalgia. I should meet up with my old groups for dinner someday.
Still have to meet up with Chermy first though. She couldn't make it today due to make-up lesson. =/

Things changed last week, when I found a new resolution to not sink that far anymore. I confided in Chermaine, so she would help me keep perspective on it...
And then this week I feel I'm bordering on another moment again. But I'm not there yet. This new piece of information has not yet been made known to me. I have to earn it (yet fucking again, damnit). But at least this time I know which spots I have to visit instead of wandering blindly... It'll probably be the site of the final fight for my fiction as well.
What little I did get though, is more conviction in my choice to fight destiny. I won't let myself become that person. I will keep the faith.
Next weekend, I'll probably have a lot more time to be places. Looking forward to then.
Alright, off I go. Pax.

I can tell you a story. But it won't be the one you want to hear.

2011-10-23T19:16:00.001+08:00

When you lose all purpose in life, I guess the thought of death can be kind of comforting...
These days I keep getting that desire to terminate this existence, for the end of all things.
Tired of fighting it. Wish it would shut up again. Where did that boundless optimism go.
Company Proficiency Test this week. Hope I feel better afterwards.
My mum's starting to tell me to get new clothes for the new year again. The last time I shopped, I had Joanne to help me. Now... Sigh.
Back to the grind.

Last Resorts

2011-10-23T02:06:00.007+08:00

AN: I've probably mentioned this somewhere before, but this is the FINAL ARC. Or it can be. A lot of my arcs build up to what seem like finality but they don't ever get there cause of some fluke. I'll set this up to be the final arc, and whether I ever write again depends on whether I ever feel like it again. I know how to fix what I destroy, at any rate.
Last but not least, soundtrack to go along with these two chapters devoted to fights between old friends: Heartful Cry from Persona 3 Fes. Seriously, it's fucking awesome, intense yet sad. Also I quoted a lot from those boss fights where this song plays. =P
(Having Danielle quote Mitsuru is a joke. I'm channelling her for inspiration to Danielle's character at the moment.)

The two Grandmasters faced off against each other upon the treetop walk. It was a moonless night, and the LED lights set into the walkway were dim. But psionics provided a far better vision than eyesight alone could anyway.
Danielle was dressed for battle: her usual crisp business wear was replaced with a tight-fitting track suit, and her heels forsaken in favour of combat boots. Jacen raised an eyebrow at those. Even he wore only track shoes instead of going all-out in terms of combat wear. Clearly, she had foreseen a physical aspect to this fight instead of a clash of pure energies.
Considering they were in the middle of a 9km stretch of forest and nature walks, he supposed she was justified.
"I see you caught up with me," Jacen sighed.
"Actually I've just been standing here all along," Danielle pointed out. "You were the one who came to me."
"I suppose all roads lead to Rome."
"Flattering. Now tell me why are you doing this." She was in no mood to beat about the bush.
"I can't tell you."
"It wasn't a choice."
Jacen hesitated as he looked at Danielle. "It's complicated. It's-" his words cut off as his eyes met her intense gaze, and for a moment he was lost. "I- what am I doing?"
The Grandmistress was just as confused. "You're tearing the world apart. You're trying to pit the Clan and the Movement against each other. Unfortunately, it's not succeeding."
"I..." Jacen panted heavily as he collapsed to his knees, clutching at his head. "I am trying to fight..."
Now's the opportune moment to strike him, Danielle considered. Just one blast and he'll be out of it. We can always extract answers from him later, when he's drained and we can keep him locked away from his powers. Still, she held her hand.
"I don't know why," Jacen looked up, eyes unfocused and glazed. "Why would I do such a thing?"
The young man had always been unstable, Danielle had known that all along. He had undergone more trials than most psions did, enough to shatter his mind that she was amazed he managed to hold it together for so long. It seemed like he had finally snapped though.
With a feeling of pity, she raised her hand. Not to help him up, but in preparation to knock him unconscious.
"I... This isn't what I want to do," Jacen wept, actual tears flowing down his cheeks. It had been ages since Danielle saw him cry. "I don't want to yet I have to, do you understand?"
"Ditto," she replied grimly as she blasted him.
Or tried to.
Instead, a glimmering shield was protecting her target, having harmlessly absorbed her blast. The young man got to his feet, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. "I suppose I should entertain you." His steady voice held no sign of the uncertainty before. It was almost as if a different him had pushed to the forefront. "I won't hold back. I will fight you with Legion."
"I believe a quote from you is in order," Danielle smiled even though those last words confused her. "Come on, Jacen. Let's dance."

Despite her original apprehension, Danielle was almost happy to be fighting Jacen. She had used to be terrible in combat, choosing a psionic career in research and being a secretary. The war had changed that.
Jacen had taken her under his wing, teaching her every single technique he knew then. She had discovered the joy of harnessing the energies, and found that it sung to her in a way few understood. The elegance of combat took over her mind and often it was more instinct than conscious thought that guided her actions.
Ever since then, none had compared to her. She had looked forward to this moment for a long time, finding out whether her new self-designed techniques would match up to Jacen's.
Whether she would surpass someone she used to call her mentor for a time.

The first strike came from Jacen, a simple blast with nothing special about it. Danielle raised her shields and prepared to draw from her deadly arsenal. The two of them were matched in energy potentials (which were both off the charts), but Danielle had a lot of amulets to boost her regeneration and maximum capacity. She literally had energy at her fingertips. If it came down to brute strength, she had no fear.
That was not the way she wanted to fight though. The Grandmistress unleashed a fury of bolts reminiscent of Kate's attack, only each and every one of them contained enough energy to incapacitate him where he was.
"Tch, too slow," Jacen let loose a derisive sound, as he leaped right off the walkway and landed on another one further down the path one level below. The energy blasts hit the bridge instead, shaking it slightly with a small portion of it that had turned into kinetic energy.
Have to be careful with our blasts here, Danielle mused as she followed Jacen and jumped onto the lower level, landing lightly.
Frowning in concentration, she shot off three deadly bolts to hit Jacen from three different awkward angles, ones where psions were not accustomed to protecting. Below his back, his lower front right, and his upper back left. Surely one would hit, coming from such diverse angles.
To her astonishment, he merely flicked a finger and three tiny shields appeared, at the exact spots where her strikes were aiming at. They collided and both dissipated harmlessly. "Too slow," he drawled, standing stock still without making any aggressive moves.
Danielle was starting to remember something he had once told her about Legion... "The summation of all that ever was and all that ever will be of the human spirit," he had said.
"Shit, you can predict my moves."
"You are human. I am the past, the present, and the future." More cryptic words, but they made sense. Somehow, her subconscious could understand just what she was facing.
"No way my techniques will work when you can tell them beforehand... I didn't want it to come to this, but I guess you are the better fighter after all," Danielle sighed. She wasn't one to let pride get in the way of her work. Her left hand clutching at one of the amulets, she began releasing waves of deadly bolts to strike from all directions, leaving Jacen no escape route. She was no longer concerned about the possible collateral damage; his capture was paramount.
Jacen glared at her. "We'll see whose will is stronger!" he declared, raising a shield and reinforcing it with all he could as he started running in the opposite direction. He broke through the first two waves easily, with his shield barely wavering.
Danielle and her bolts gave chase.

"If you don't take this seriously, you're gonna get hurt," Danielle shouted at the young man running ahead of her.
"Says you," Jacen shouted back at her over his shoulder as he flicked his hand. A bolt flew at her, too weak to be anything more than a nuisance really, if not for the fact that focusing on raising a shield caused her to nearly trip on the walkway's uneven surface, stumbling for a moment and losing precious ground.
As it was, she was already way too far behind him. Damn, I need to hit the gym more. Psionics can refresh my body all it wants, but I'll still fall behind if my top speed can't match up to his.
Jacen stopped though, giving her time to catch up. They were almost out of the treetop walk now, almost at another bridge across a highway.
"Why stop?" Danielle panted as she forced herself to stand straight, trying to control her breathing. "You could've gotten away."
"That wasn't my intent," Jacen responded with a perplexed look on his face. "I get more class bonuses in urban environments. Or well, Hunter does at least," he murmured, half to himself.
Again with the confusing words. But I think I'm starting to understand how he's channelling his powers now. "I see. Let's get it on then. If you think what you're doing is truly right and for the better of the world, then show me your resolve!"
Jacen rolled his eyes. Without another word, he raised his shield once more, holding it with everything he had... and did nothing else.
Danielle blinked. "... Well?"
"You're the one who said to show you my resolve. Go on."
An awkward silence stretched between the two for half a minute. "Fine," she conceded grudgingly. She began her attack afresh, releasing hundreds of bolts in waves. This time, Jacen did not run. He merely stood there watching the bolts impact against his shields, weakening him further and further.
"Why aren't you doing anything?" she asked as she continued. This was a trick, it had to be. But she was draining his energy! How did this even make any sense?
"I'm just waiting for the time to strike," Jacen replied, though his voice was starting to quaver with the strain of holding up his shields. Oh, he was reaching his limit alright. On the other hand, Danielle had just used up her second amulet.

Five minutes and tens of thousands of bolts later, Danielle was starting to get mentally tired of firing off bolts mindlessly. Just how much energy did Jacen have? He finally looked like he was about to break down, but she had exhausted all but three of her amulets. Still, her own reserves would be more than sufficient to handle him.
Then another wave of bolts hit Jacen, and he finally reacted.
"Legion class critical skill, overdrive," he murmured. "Modular programming active. Leviathan online. Medusa firing!" The last two words came out in a hiss as he finally looked up and glared her in the eyes.
Danielle found herself paralysed as she tried to fire off another wave. Her mind was frozen, she couldn't think. All she could do was stare back at her old friend and note that even though he looked exhausted, his energy levels was surging.
Basilisk online. Judgement online. Avatar online. Marauder online. Cobra online. The number of modules suddenly starting up in Jacen's head startled him. He had slowly programmed each and every one of these modules over a number of days, but there had always been a limit: he was not able to activate more than two at a time usually. As it was, two modules were more than he could power with his conscious mind alone.
And so Jacen had taken advantage of his one last resource: the adrenaline surge nearing exhaustion. That limitless energy that could be tapped as he neared critical energy levels seemed a paradox, but he wasn't one to question it. He simply wrote it off as a remnant of his dealing with otherworldly powers, and hell if it wasn't useful.
There's probably a time limit to this though, an unoccupied part of his mind mused. It's the first time I've ever used any critical skills, but surely there's a limit. Lucky this is my last fight of the night...
Reaching inside his mind, he flicked another switch and found other parts of himself coming to life. Within the might of Legion's overdrive, he could simulate Hunter and Slayer pretty effectively.
At that moment, Danielle found herself released from the strange paralysing force. She threw up a shield with all she had just in time to deflect six impossibly strong bolts from Jacen, each containing more energy than he should have had left. "What the fu-"
"I'm not done yet," Jacen grinned. He then loosed another bolt, this one more powerful than the last six combined. Oh, the infernal frenzy was starting, tempered by the calm precision of the Hunter. Legion's critical skill brought all his disparate parts together to form an unstoppable whole.
The fight dragged on for another minute, oddly reminiscent of how it had been just minutes before, only the roles were swapped. This time it was Jacen trying to overpower Danielle with both might and skill, firing bolts and exploiting her weak spots. The Grandmistress found herself hard-pressed to keep her shields up, and soon found herself with no more amulets.
"Ah hell," she cursed as she reached into her pockets and found herself out of charged amulets. All she had left were her reserves.
Perhaps it was the sight of his enemy finally faltering, but Jacen let his guard down for a second. It's almost over...
And that was all it took for him to fall to the ground, exhausted. The adrenaline fled from him and he found all of his combat classes shutting down. Leaving him with nothing.
"Fuck, I knew there was a limit," he cursed bitterly on his knees.
"End of the line," Danielle announced, though her voice was shaky. He had come so close to taking her out. In fact, he would have if they had duked it out from the start, instead of just letting her wear him out until he reached his critical limit and pulled out his unknown reserves. Come to think of it, was it an experiment for him? Did he do that on purpose just to find out how far he could go with his critical?
She guessed she didn't really care. He was on his knees, drained, in front of her. The mission was complete.

"Hello, earth to Danielle," Jacen called out.
"Hmm?" the Grandmistress blinked. She had been spacing out. Looks like the battle really did exhaust me.
"I asked, what now?"
"We bring you in. You get interrogated. Most likely we'll end up branding you a rogue, I wipe your memories and skills, bind your powers, the usual."
"Wow. I never thought you would do something like that to an old friend."
"It's probably better this way," Danielle smiled sadly. "You haven't been much of a friend of late anyway."
Jacen let loose a heavy sigh. "I don't like the idea of being wiped. But you're right. It's probably for the best. I wasn't looking forward to what I was going to do anyway, even if I was trying to save the world."
Again with the cryptic hints. Sometimes, Danielle just felt like strangling Jacen. "God damn it, just say it already! Just tell us what you're trying to do so we can help you! What threat is there that is so serious?" I should just start extracting us, Danielle's inner voice spoke.
Before she could pull out her cellphone, before Jacen could respond, someone else interrupted, seemingly having come from the bridge behind Jacen.
"Hey there," Lucia called out with a smile that did not show in her eyes.
Jacen's jaw dropped.

Danielle frowned at the newcomer. She recognized this girl... somewhere. The dealings of the Clan were many and she had to know many people as the Grandmistress, but this was someone special.
This was someone dangerous.
The brunette leaned against the railing, crossing her arms. She was dressed in a simple brown sweater over a cream top and a flowing white skirt, but that wasn't what captured Danielle's attention. It was her eyes. They were a dark red, a colour no one should have possessed.
Burning carmine irises clashed against dark brown ones, as the two women stared each other down. Despite being what had to be no more than sixteen, the girl's gaze possessed experience beyond her years.
In between the two, Jacen found himself sucking in his breath. Hoo boy, things are about to get hot. And not in a good way.
Danielle's mind suddenly made the connection as she recognized the eyes and the gaze they held. "Lucia," she greeted. How many months had it been since she last saw the girl? Too bad it had not been forever as she had hoped...
Lucia had first appeared at the beginning of the year, where she had proved to be more trouble than she was worth. The girl had an affinity for fate, and could tell the future as it was set at the moment... or alter it. Needless to say, both the Clan and the Movement had scrambled over themselves to secure her help, only to find her missing. There had been a period of accusation and even a few confrontations, but in the end it was discovered that she had disappeared, leaving for other countries to witness other conflicts and history-changing events. Not before stealing all of the secrets from both organizations though.
And in April they had belatedly realised she had found her way into the country yet again, undetected. By the time they caught on, she had given them the slip yet again. Danielle's cheeks burned with humiliation at the memory. How was it such a young woman was able to outsmart both organizations constantly? She had no doubt that Jacen and her were working together, however. She just didn't know the purpose. Then again if they were, how come Jacen seemed shocked to find her there?
"I- I hadn't expected to see you here," Jacen stuttered. "I thought you were in Libya."
"I was," Lucia replied serenely. "Until it became clear to me that things were changing and I had to return." For someone who had just been uprooted from her mission to save lives and witness history in the making, she seemed pretty calm about it.
"But they're nearing the end- What was so important?" Jacen shivered. "What's going down here is more important than the war?"
"Concerns the world. As usual."
Danielle shook her head, snapping herself out of her reverie. "It is uhh, nice to see you again-"
"Cut the niceties. It isn't," Lucia replied, grinning as her eyes sizzled sinisterly.
"... Fine. What do you want?" Danielle snapped back brusquely.
"I can't let you have my friend here cause he's coming with me. Simple as that."
"I can't let you do that, either."
"Just try and stop me," Lucia snorted as she helped Jacen to his feet, turning her back on the Grandmistress in a show of not viewing her as a threat.
Okay, that does it, Danielle decided. The young woman was an important figure to capture anyway. Raising her hands, she blasted her target with all she had...
For a few seconds, Lucia merely glared at her as she shielded... before the two targets disappeared in front of her eyes.
Raising her hands to her hair, Danielle let out a scream of frustration, echoing through the forests and disturbing the wildlife.

Lucia didn't drop the cloak until the two of them were way out of sight, hiding inside the Horticultural Park hundreds of meters away. The two of them settled onto a bench amidst the greenery, and Jacen let out a sigh. "That was tough. I finally found my limits, but man, if you hadn't showed up, I would've been toast."
"You got sloppy," Lucia teased as she put an arm around his shoulders, leaning in a little bit too close.
"Legion promised me the night would be a success. I suppose it knew you were coming to haul me out of the fire. Anyway, how'd you do that? The cloaking thing, I mean."
"Mm? Just some trick I picked up in Libya. I've been learning things everywhere, things I could show you," she frowned thoughtfully as she put a finger to her lips. "Why don't you come over tonight?" Lucia asked in a suggestive tone as she shifted her finger to stroke Jacen's cheek.
Jacen slapped his forehead with his hand, before using that hand to push her hand away gently. "I'll pass. That'll be like, friendcest or something. Plus, you're inviting me to somewhere that's more my house than yours."
"How'd you know I'm staying at your old headquarters?" she pouted.
"You don't have anywhere else to stay?"
"That's not true, I'm filthy rich. I could've gotten myself a hotel room."
"Yeah but that's not you. You'll rather have a place full of memories than full of luxuries."
"You try to sound like you know me a lot."
"But I'm right, no? I've known you longer than you've known yourself-" Jacen paused. "Huh. I wonder where that came from."
"Yeah, yeah," Lucia huffed in annoyance as she gave up and took her arm off his shoulders. "How come you're so frosty now anyway. Last time I visited, you were the one all over me and I was the ice queen."
"Something changed," Jacen smiled gently. "Memories, realisations, lessons. Sorry, but I'm not into that kind of thing anymore. How about you?"
"I- I don't know. I just like the attention," Lucia frowned. "The contact helps... But I don't know why, nor what would be a better choice."
Jacen decided not to press further into the matter. "You'll figure it out... I did, anyway."
"So how about tonight?"
The young man snorted as he got up and walked away. "Goodnight, Lucia."

Danielle was seething as she walked to the carpark where she had left her car. To think that she had been so close. Should've known better than to think I would capture him on my first try. At least now I know all the cards he holds though.
Raising her phone, she called Horace.
"How's the situation?" he questioned her before she could even get a word in.
"They got away."
"They?"
"Lucia showed up," Danielle replied grimly. "We need to convene soon. Run through his tactics and skills. Judging by what I faced, I assume you all also faced something much more different from what you were used to."
"Yeah. It was... different alright."
"Then we'll meet in the afternoon, the day after tomorrow. No rush since I doubt we'll be able to confront him again for some time. Put Cheryl on the line."
There was a pause, before Cheryl took the phone Horace handed to her. "Hello?"
"Cheryl. As much as this pains you, we'll need Alex at the debrief."
"You mean- Oh no. No way."
"He is a part of this as much as all of us. And you know that we need his strength."
A lengthy silence blanketed the conversation.
"Hello, are either of you saying anything?" Danielle could hear Horace on the other side of the line. "Come on, stop wasting my minutes."
Cheryl snorted. "Fine, I'll get him. But I don't have to like it."
"Thank you," Danielle muttered as she hung up.
Neither do I, really, but what other choice do we have left?

Post-writing AN: One of my longest fiction pieces in a long time! The length of it surprised me, then I realised it was cause I threw in some lengthy explanations about how Jacen's capabilities work at the moment, as well as some plot exposition about Lucia cause I didn't write those chapters.
Legion's critical skill: overdrive, gets the limelight in this chapter. The limits of modular programming is explained, but not what the modules themselves actually do. My bad. Those modules activated didn't really relate to the fight though...

My life in social links (aka the major Arcana).

2011-10-21T23:23:00.006+08:00

So here I was, being bored, and I decided to write how it would've been if my life was anything like Persona: If my friends were indeed social links. Pretty much ends up in me assigning everyone to one of the major Arcana or another.
It's just for hilarity. It all started when the guys and I headed down to De Coders' Cafe, and I realised just how much Nopol's Arcana is definitely the Hermit cause he excels in screwing people up, no matter what game it is.
I didn't put in the social link levels because hell, you don't measure that when you don't know the endpoint. And there is no endpoint. And links get broken just like that. And- ah hell.
A lot of these describe the people as I know them now, or as I knew them when we parted ways. People change, their respective Arcana change as well. I myself shifted Arcana a few times.
And of course there are links where I haven't met anyone like that.

The Fool: Isaac (The Fool is not to be underestimated. Like the number zero, it is nothing yet it holds infinite possibilities.)
The Magician: Shiuh Sheng (Completed link. Action, yet immaturity. Personal analysis of a friend I've known for many years.)
The High Priestess: Clara (Sound judgement, intuition. One of the deeper people I know.)
The Emperor: None. (No one I've formed bonds with is capable of the snap decisions and leadership this calls for.)
The Empress: Ting Ting (Restarted link. Symbolizes care for others.)
The Hierophant: Syanda (Completed link. Power, knowledge, education. Needless to say this goes to my old master.)
The Lovers: Joanne (Reversed link. Empathy, affinity, bonding. Not a card to be taken at face value.)
The Chariot: Platoon-mates (Conquest, willpower, the pursuit of goals. What else, for a platoon of men striving together in training for war?)
Justice: Naomi (Reversed link. One of the most righteous and rigid people I've known. Neither bad nor good, merely the way it is.)
The Hermit: Yong Xue (Completed link. Introspection and reflection. Bonus: Our interaction is just like that in Persona; we game together, and his gaming style pretty much involves screwing other people up.)
Wheel of Fortune: Claire and Theophila (The first is a broken link. Activity, surprises, destiny. My relations with both are clearly different, but they are both the same. Flighty, full of surprises, as much as fate itself.)
Strength: Irsyad (Completed link. Self-control, solid, perseverance. Irsyad is one of the most stable guys I know. Maybe not emotionally, but he is always, always there.)
The Hanged Man: Cheryl Ko (Stopped link. Surrendering, passivity. She has come to learn that it takes disaster for one to rebuild.)
Death: Tian Lu (Completed link. Ending of a cycle, transition into a new state. Pretty much sums him up at the moment. It'll take him a while to grow out of this into something greater.)
Temperance: Chermaine (Harmony, equilibrium, healing. Always struck me as a very balanced person. And that is why she is able to heal me every time I break.)
The Devil: None. (To seem like the Devil to me, you've got to first be more devilish than me. Clearly not happening.)
The Tower: Cassandra (Completed link. Chaos, crises, disruption. Story of her life. Or so she would like to put it.)
The Star: Edith (Completed link. Symbolizes hope and optimism. She's a fountain of such usually.)
The Moon: Tricia Loo (Completed link. Fantasy, illusion. Assigning Trish to this is more a general feel than anything else. It was strong enough that it was one of those I could assign definitely without a doubt though.)
The Sun: Cancy (Completed link. Vitality, energy, joy. It was a choice between assigning her the Sun or the Star, but I realised a light like hers was definitely the strongest I had ever experienced.)
Judgement: None. (New beginning, redemption, forgiveness, hope. None yet, but I'm hoping one of the above links change to this. Obvious which.)
The World: None. (Wholeness, fulfilment. It'll be impossible for anyone to ever feel like this to me.)

It is noteworthy that I incorporated this into some aspect of Jacen's fiction at some point of time but I don't intend to use it within the last bits. It is just something I use to get myself through training: Strength/Chariot combo ftw for physical tests; Star/Emperor for ultimate leadership skills, Lovers/Hierophant for convincing just about anyone. It's just my way of dragging several of my hidden faces to the front, something I haven't done in a bit.
But oh, I forgot all about myself. I have an affinity for The Devil, The Tower and The Star. Not the people there, but as in the Arcana. The Devil cause of my old days, The Star cause of my current nearly infallible positive outlook, and The Tower because I draw that much bad luck. Seriously.
I think I'm starting to grow an affinity for The Emperor though. Of late I have become a leader of sorts. The rest of my platoon tend to look to me... Attention I appreciate. With them I feel I finally am getting somewhere with the old skills I learned.
Okay never mind enough rambling with this fun experiment, back to work.
Pax.

Cooking notes.

2011-10-16T19:32:00.000+08:00

Yet more cooking, this time local style instead of western.
Same, one sea bass. This time seasoned with 6tbp of light soy sauce, 2tsp of sesame oil, 1tsp of sugar, scattering of salt and pepper, as well as ginger and garlic to taste. Wrap completely and bake in oven for 20 minutes at 220 degrees.
Or so I think.
There's also an omelette I made, but that's simple enough. Just gotta remember to toss in the onions first next time so they ain't so raw, as well as to be less stingy with the oil. And of course, to remove the intestines of the prawns I added.

This post sounds like it's in a rush: because it is. It's book-in day once more and I've found an awesome fanfiction. How could I not have realised hat was the logical step after finishing P3P? Heh.
At any rate it's filling up a rather critical gap at the moment, thankfully. I was afraid I would've to call out one of my confidantes again... Hard to get Chermaine's time, even harder to get Joanne to talk to me, and Theophila's not available until after exams. ._.
Okay back to reading.
Pax.

The old game begins once more.

2011-10-15T23:59:00.000+08:00

A different arena, but all the same. The moment I got some power and access to the higher-ups, I slipped back into my old habits.
Just last week I've provoked a fight that broke out into the fore between commanders. By a series of fortunate coincidences, the even higher-up man had a few choice words to say, and a lot of punishments to dole out.
So all in all, hell broke loose. I was left untouched, as was my platoon. Commanders and other platoons were not so lucky.
And my final shot has not even been fired yet. This last one will be next week, and it'll go straight to the big man. And then the other commanders will feel pain. They will regret alright.
This would not have been possible without one of my commanders. Most thankfully he believes he is the puppeteer and I am the puppet: though in most aspects he is indeed right. The only difference is that I am not as docile and mindless as he would believe. I had a hand in all of these too: it was my sacrifice that gives us a point to fight with in the first place.
But it is alright. It is best his ego (he's a regular, see) continues to cloud his sight. There may come a time when our partnership may no longer be beneficial to me. As much as I do not wish to bite the hand that feeds me, this warzone is an ever-changing one.
Oh, I do so enjoy this...

As for a review of the week, it was eventful up there only. But we did have a live shoot, in which I attained full score as expected. It would've been embarrassing if I had failed to do so, being only 12 shots at 100m.
And my first COS duty. Uneventful because I took over at 10pm due to training, and handed over at 6am due to training. And I get a point for that. Winz.
Friday was an off I took for my medical appointment. In the end my whole platoon drivers all took off/leave cause there was nothing for us to do that day, so.

Oh well, back to work. I still have to write down that fight scene with Danielle for my fiction. So not looking forward to this arc...
It's the final arc. Or well, I want it to be my final arc. Maybe I might revive it again, but I don't wish to if I can. I've been using this story for too long.
The main reason I wish to terminate this storyline is because I can no longer imagine it. I can still feel the auras, I can still visualise the psionic attacks... but I can no longer feel it as I used to. The realm of the gods is even more closed off to me; it is absent entirely. At most I can see the dream plane, but as I described in Alex's arc, it is but a shattered ruin to me now.
I started this fiction as a way to run from real life. Over time it became just a way to relieve stress. And now... it is just almost like an obligation. This blog will die soon (just like the ones of my favourite seniors Theresa, Robbie, Neil and Carrie before me), and so will the story. I might as well end it with a bang.
What does irk me though, are all the chapters I left unwritten. Mostly happened during times when I went on hiatus, but my mind did not, continuing to churn out ideas and stories of what had happened in the interim that was not published.
-The Shadow Wars, which is the segment of November 2008. The reveal of Endarius as the Deritonian in charge of this realm was a crucial one to the story then. I failed to write that properly.
-Lucia's appearance in January. This is... painfully crucial to the final arc. Basically she appears, a girl who can see fate unfold before her eyes. There is a struggle between the Movement and the Clan to capture and utilize her, only for Jacen to interfere and free her. She leaves the country, but only after learning psionics from Jacen. I may try to add in flashbacks in the final arc so as to cover what I did not write. It is too crucial to be left out...
-I had also hoped to write 4 backstories: Those for Endarius, Alastor, the Kinslayer, and that of team Hunter Blade. In that priority. Perhaps they may be written yet. I do not know. Whatever it is, it would be completely different, and perhaps more fun.
Oh well. Here goes nothing then.
Pax.

Now you've done it. You've broken everything!

2011-10-15T17:39:00.004+08:00

AN: Why? Why did you let things get to this stage?

The night air just doesn't compare to Australia, Jacen thought mournfully as he leaned against the railing, glancing out over the road that stretched below him. He was standing on top of the Henderson Waves bridge that reached between forests, connecting two nature trails with one another. As for what he was doing here... It had been just another one of his random whims to trek through this unfamiliar area for the fun of it. It wasn't the first time. It most certainly wouldn't be the last.
"Jacen."
He whipped around, searching for the source of the voice. It sounded painfully familiar, even if he hadn't heard it in a while. Then Jacen saw him, standing at the end of the bridge behind. It was Horace, a man who had used to be a friend. But those were days long past, days when Jacen was still part of an organization he no longer cared for.
"Horace," Jacen acknowledged with a frown. "I hope this is a coincidence." A redundant statement, really, when it clearly wasn't.
The man shrugged. "I'm afraid not." He hesitated for a minute, staring intently at his boots. "We've got orders."
In a corner of his mind, Jacen dimly began to realise that there weren't any pedestrians nearby. The bridge had been cleared of all bystanders without his noticing. Logically, that means there are psions on both ends of the bridge. My exits are cut off.
How did he find me though? Oh wait... I told Alex I was coming here tonight. Damn.
"Please elaborate," the young man replied with a sigh as he began preparing for battle within. It had been whole weeks since he last used psionics, there was no way his reflexes were up to standard.
"Danielle's not happy about the things you've done cause they're endangering our peace talks with the Movement. In her words, 'Go out there and bring him in, stop him from acting like a spoiled brat before he destroys everything we've built so far'. Personally, I don't agree with your actions either..."
"Which one? I've lost track," Jacen replied callously. He didn't want to admit to any of his actions; he was pretty sure he had never left any evidence. Though it would take an idiot to not suspect him after the way he had left the Clan.
But truth be told, Jacen actually had lost track. Weeks of raiding bases and outposts and attacking important diplomats blurred into one another. He had only taken a break for the last three weeks when work brought him out of country... and even then he had made a run on the local Movement headquarters on the one day he was let loose. He hadn't killed anyone, but there were fates worse than death, to psions at least. There were a lot of psions who no longer remembered what they were out there. Worse still, there were some who remembered, and were no longer capable of psionics.
"This is ridiculous, Jacen," Horace snapped, startling the ex-Grandmaster. Horace rarely ever dared to take that tone with him.
"You've been running out there trying to destroy everything while we're trying to forge a peace between our two organizations which have been at war since the beginning. Hell, you even raided our own HQ. Why? This is not a course of action that seems in line with anything you said before you left, or hell, it's not even congruous with the person you used to be. What happened?"
"Hunter class online," Jacen murmured inaudibly to himself. He had no wish to hurt Horace. If nothing else, he had been a good friend once.
"What was that?" Jacen felt the probing tendrils of Horace's mind reach out towards him, rebuffed by Jacen's mental shields. Horace's frown showed his confusion as he realised Jacen wasn't intending to go with him: not quietly, not at all. At the same time, the Master noted that his ex-leader's aura had changed... Sharpened. It was almost like he was looking at a different person than before.
"It doesn't have to be this way," Horace pleaded as he raised his hands, gathering his own energies. "I don't want to fight you. Not... Not you. Not when you were the one who taught me."
"I don't exactly want to fight either." Jacen spoke as he imagined a bullhorn sounding in his mind, one similar to those Hunters had used in ancient times and instantly sunk into a battle focus. Horace is pretty well-rounded in his attacks. I'll just have to pull something off that he doesn't see coming.
The first strike came from him. It was weak, a warning shot. Jacen blocked it gently so as to conserve energy and retaliated with three separate yet converging bolts. The battle began in earnest as he in turn fired off charged bolts of his own.
"Why?!" Horace yelled as he dodged the incoming bolts. It was an annoying skill Jacen had taught him. If he kept it up, Jacen would be drained of energy while he remained fresh.
"I'm not bound to answer you," Jacen snapped back.
"Turn back, Jacen. It's not too late to repent."
"I have nothing to say to you." Jacen was tired from the long trek before this, and he didn't want to spend himself further. Without a doubt, this was far from the last fight of the night.
"Hand of Zealotry," he named his attack as he charged his opponent, effortlessly shattering all shields between them and pinned him down physically. With a burst of energy from Jacen, Horace was out like a light.
With a shrug, the young man got up and fled in the other direction. There would be more of them on his tail.

Or, ahead of him. I knew a psion was on this side, why did I run towards here again? Jacen sighed as he stopped meters away from Imelda. Another old ally, another member of an elite strike team he had trained.
"Before you start, I have nothing to say," Jacen sighed, holding up a hand to forestall any arguments.
"You still care for us, Jacen." It was a statement, not a question. "You wouldn't have left Horace alive and undamaged otherwise."
"Sure. Of course I care. But I'm tired of being chased. Let me pass, please?"
"Sorry, I can't do that." Imelda sighed as she clenched her hands into fists, then relaxed them once more.
The two combatants remained silent for a minute. Neither side wanted to start a fight, but neither could back down either.
Perhaps he could incapacitate her another way. "I was the one who killed your brother," Jacen let the bomb drop.
Indeed, Imelda was stunned. She dropped to her knees, face showing nothing but grief. "I suspected it, but- Tell me there was a good reason for it."
"You know me. I don't kill without reason. He was deranged when he got out, threatening to reveal all that he had learned. I couldn't allow that. I'm not honey-coating my words, but really, you know it was for the better of the world that some secrets remain locked away."
For another few minutes, Imelda said nothing. The wound was still raw, it had not been that long since her brother died. In the end, "Go" was all she said.
Jacen didn't linger.

Scaling the stairs rapidly, Jacen barely knew where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get out of the area, but that was no mean feat on foot. It was one of those times he sorely missed Jim's and Danielle's driving.
Though of course, they most probably were driving tonight. Just that they were aiming to capture him.
Finally reaching the top, Jacen paused to take a breather, panting heavily. The area was rather beautiful actually: Layers upon layers of garden. A series of ridges that had been converted with architecture into a work of art. And what was more, the view from the top was breathtaking, stretching from the city to Harbourfront where he had started his trek.
"End of the line," a voice stated quietly from behind him.
Jacen whipped around, to find Jim and Cheryl. Both of them were already prepared for battle, with Jim's energies swirling around him like a mini fog, and Cheryl holding her customary wands and amulets.
Having been the one to train them as a team, Jacen of course knew their individual strengths and weaknesses. Jim was a grizzled veteran whose powers were focused on shielding and pure strength. Cheryl's energy reserves were lower than most, but her affinity for energy manipulation and usage of wands and amulets meant that she actually carried more offensive power than most psions were capable of. Together, the two would be a deadly team.
Jim could probably hold me off while Cheryl pokes away at my defences... This looks bad.
"Just give in, Jacen," another voice sounded from behind him yet again. This time, Jacen didn't bother turning around. He could tell from the voice that it was Kate.
Kate's strength lies in speed and overwhelming amounts of weak attacks. Could wear away my focus, giving Cheryl that one opportunity to pierce my shields. Chances of winning this encounter just dropped below 70%.
And then just as surprisingly, he heard Horace's voice, which did cause him to whip around once more. "You're not going to get away this time."
"Surrender and we'll just hold you till summary trial," Imelda added quietly from beside him.
Aw fuck, Jacen cursed silently. The whole team. A team which has trained to be damn near unbeatable. I've no choice now.
"Time out for a moment," Jacen held up his hands. "We don't have to do it this way." Yeah right. There's no way I'm going with you guys and there's no way you'll be able to let me go just like that. Time to switch to Slayer class.
The tension went out of the air. "So you'll come with us?" Imelda asked hopefully.
"No. But whatever happens, I'm sorry. I really am." Jacen sighed mournfully before his facial expression changed completely to one of ferocity and violence. He slammed his hands together, creating a shockwave that blasted the encircling team backwards.
Staggering back, Horace regained his balance to note that his target's aura had changed yet again. In fact, now he could almost see the shadow of some greater beast surrounding him. "Scatter!" he yelled. "Don't stick too close to each other!"
Jacen felt his bloodlust surging, the adrenaline high mounting. Five opponents. The more the merrier, the more it would fuel his bloodlust. And that would prove to be their undoing.
At one side, Cheryl pointed her wand and blasted away at her former leader. There was something terribly wrong about him now, and she had no compunctions about blasting a young man she used to care for. In astonishment, she watched as the bolts passed straight through his aura and strike his body with no effect. Normally, Jacen would never let any bolt get that close, but it seemed he had forsaken his outer shields for inner ones.
Turning to her, Jacen snarled. "Whip of Torment," he growled as he snapped out with his hand. A construct of energy reached out and curled around her, and Cheryl was at first startled to realised that it burned.
The moment right after that, of course, was pure torment as its name suggested.
"What the fuck," Jim cursed as he tried to interpose a shield between the two, trying to sever the cord of burning energy. The shield only fizzled out where it touched the whip, while Cheryl continued to scream in agony.
"Break his focus!" Kate barked as she unleashed her trademark assault, a fury of bolts as thick as rain in a downpour. They splashed against his body with no visible effect either.
Jacen blinked, his sense returning momentarily as the bloodlust withdrew. Oh fuck, the battle madness took over, he realised in horror as he realised just what his left hand was doing. With a snap of his fingers, the whip faded away into nothingness. Whip of Torment was a good skill, but perhaps way too strong to be used in a battle against old friends.
"He's weakening!" Imelda yelled. "Press the assault!"
The battle went on for a few more minutes, with him occasionally forced to pull out a few new tricks and skills never utilized upon this world before. Burning Aura, Adrenal Healing... even one that he had named Child of the Ancient War God. All of them were skills for healing and defence. He had no wish to pull out any new offensive skills anymore.
Jacen blinked once more as a renewed waved of strikes came towards him, weakening him, yet at the same time strengthening him. Once again, the bloodlust surged, and his spirit sang along with it. There was an infernal frenzy starting up within him, only this time he knew he was in complete control. He would not succumb to the battle madness: he would direct it.
"Caustic Orb," he murmured, releasing an orb of green energy above him. Hovering in mid-air, it shivered for a while before shattering, splashing towards all present except Jacen. The whole team immediately dropped their attacks and raised their shields, only to have the strange energy cling onto it.
"Oh hell," Kate cursed, along with a string of expletives that would've made a soldier blush.
"What is this-"
"Drop it! Drop your shields now!" Cheryl shouted, her shield already gone, green energy dissipating into thin air.
The other four weren't fast enough. The green energy dissolved their shields instantly, causing all the energy spent in raising it to be lost.
At that moment, everyone present was without a shield, with only Cheryl having any considerable amount of energy left. Even Jacen felt drained, that last attack had taken more energy and programming than he had thought.
But it was time to end this fight. Without hesitation, he closed his eyes and focused, sending out strikes to stun the team. One by one, they all dropped unconscious.
Except Cheryl. She stumbled and fell, unable to keep up with the energy drains and finding her reserves completely depleted. Her clothes weren't charred, but damn if her skin wasn't burned and starting to blister.
Her eyes were starting to close, as she heard Jacen rush over to her. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry..."
If it wasn't for her tiredness, Cheryl would've laughed. "Interesting energy, those skills. Teach them to me someday, won't you?"
"If we ever get the chance," she heard him mutter softly as she felt him pick her up in a hug. Warm, soothing energy flooded her, and she felt the damage to her skin stop, and slowly begin to reverse.
"Alex would kill me if I damaged you," Jacen blurted awkwardly.
"That's not the real reason," Cheryl sighed. "You still care."
Jacen remained silent for a few minutes. "Of course I do, damn it," he said at last. "That's what's making this all so hard."
"Then stop. Or at least tell me why."
Jacen set his old friend down gently. "I'm sorry. I can't." Patting her on the head, he murmured soothingly, "Sleep, Cheryl. Sleep, and dream."
Carried away by her own tiredness and Jacen's words, Cheryl's eyes closed of their own accord.

Hunter class online.
It wasn't the first time he had lost control of the demon. In fact, this had been a rather mild time compared to the past. They had been trying to incapacitate him outright, and all he had used was a disabling skill rather than a lethal one. All in all, it was actually a good outcome.
If so, why did he feel so...
No time to dwell on these things, Jacen snapped at himself internally, regaining his focus. He shifted the bodies together and erected a shield that would deflect normal human attention. They would be safe until they awoke.
Taking one last look at Cheryl, Jacen made sure that he had pumped in enough healing energy to counter the damage the hellfire had done. A nice woman like her didn't deserve to be scarred for life.
He took a step back. His old friends. All knocked unconscious by his hand. But he had no choice, no other options were left to him anymore. He wanted to sob with the injustice of it all.
Why? Why had it come to this?
Turning around, he fled. His energy was starting to regenerate again, which was welcome news.
There would be one last battle ahead before the night was over.

Post cooking AAR.

2011-10-09T19:57:00.000+08:00

Okay last week I cooked roast chicken for my dad's birthday again, and I felt that I had gotten it to a good level. Not mastered, but definitely high enough that cooking it more times would result in diminishing returns for improvement.
So I moved onto fish. At first I thought hey, let's cook one of my favourite dishes: dory in butter lemon sauce. It's definitely my favourite fish dish (hehe).
And things didn't go as well as hoped, it went worse than my original expectations. But it was alright: although it was not what was expected, it was still a good dish.
Basically, the sauce was right. It was a good sauce, but it was the wrong fish, cut the wrong way. It was only by a fluke that I baked it for the right time, sealing in all the moisture.
I swapped seabass for dory fish, by the way. Couldn't find dory. It may seem like the stupidest idea: because it is. Seabass is a cheapo fish that is common, leading me to feel that the dish felt too damned normal and like a local dish despite the sauce.
So here's what I did:

Preheat oven to 200 degrees Celcius.
Grease the base of the baking dish with butter.
Cover the base with slices of one/two onion(s), place fish fillet over onions.
Melt two tablespoons of butter with one lemon worth of juice, 1/2 teaspoon of garlic salt, 1 tablespoon of basil. In a saucepan. Do not boil.
Pour sauce over fish, sprinkle some pepper, put in oven for 20 minutes.

That's about it. It wasn't a failure, but it was no success either.
And my sis and I tried our hand at oyster vegetables. That was so epic fail I'll rather eat cookhouse food.
Still have one seabass to cook next week. I'll figure out what to do with it then.

Anyway, been a long week. Outfield exercise... which was terrible. Because out of the three day long exercise, I sat in bunk and rotted away for two days.
And for the last four days, we had nothing but field rations to eat. Horror, my friend. Pure horror. As my bunkmate says, it's amazing how just holding it makes you lose your appetite.
On the one day we did go outfield, my tank mysteriously broke down again, this time with a coolant leak, causing the remaining coolant to overheat insanely and smoke to belch out of the tank.
The scary part is the breakdown happened on top of a slope. I stopped as per orders, then when told to move off again, I turned off the parking brake, hit the accelerator... and rolled backwards. It's moments like that when you just go wtfwtfwtf and hit the brakes and freeze up. Took me a second to realise my engine was off, and I couldn't start up again.
So in the end we skipped out on half the mission, parked at the back-line and slept. =)
Strange how my engines keep breaking down... Hmm.
Oh well. At any rate, heading back in tonight. Not much I need to do right now...
Yeah. I'll go play some Minecraft now then. =/

Why do I feel so empty?...

The newfound resolution has awakened a new Persona in Jacen's heart!

2011-10-02T04:19:00.000+08:00

... Not. I'm still sticking with my Devil. But I had that moment of summoning a new force up anyway. It quickly faded once I let go of the knowledge that brought this energy to bear.
Which was...
I read the chat logs of the past with Claire. It made me realise that in the end, I had succeeded in what I had set out to do: I had trained her to not need a master.
*snorts* I won our little gamble after all.
So many memories, so many stupid things we said. The joy of youthful love.
I am tired.
... I miss her.
Time to sleep.

What a week.

2011-10-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

How tiring. A lot of things came together all of a sudden, duty dropped out of the sky and PT got injected out of thin air.
So all in all this week has left me feeling tired and sore. I haven't felt this way since BMT.
Cause well, on Wednesday there was intense PT with pull-ups until my arms gave out entirely, a guard duty, and no chance to sleep and recover on my bed on Thursday because first there was a overhanging threat of a turnout which left me sleeping uneasily, on the floor too. Then suddenly I became the COS understudy and had to kip in the office, which meant sleeping on an uncomfortable safari bed in freezing air-con temperature.
And then Friday came, and more PT. Fuuuu-
It was bad enough that I crashed on Friday night before 10pm. That's ridiculously early for me.
Today I was forced to get out of my house and buy supplies for army. We're heading back into another intensive phase and I need more gear. Fuck.
So despite being tired out and my muscles still aching, I had no choice but to head out. Sigh.
On the bright side, I ordered in King of Tokyo and Star Munchkin (1 & 2), collecting tomorrow. This should liven up my bunk a bit, we've been playing only Bang! all this time and I'm getting sick of it.
Okay, back to work it is. I... I need more contact. Sigh.
Pax.

So I'm back in the army...

2011-09-25T23:47:00.003+08:00

Meh. Was a busy day.
And I should be sleeping. Wonder when I'll crash. Cause I only slept at 6am this morning, having stayed up watching videos of Persona 4. The music is quite okay, and all the references to Persona 3 are hilarious and awesome.
Woke up at 9am, in order to head down to army market to get my Lance Corporal rank sewn onto my coveralls. A last minute decision, prompted by a Facebook discussion. Thankfully I did, it appears almost everyone else did too.
Was supposed to have lunch with the guys next at 12.30pm. Realised at 11.40am that I had forgotten to tell TSS entirely. ._.
Cue half an hour of frantically calling him while he continued sleeping.
In the end he came down after all, and us four had lunch at Long John Silver's before heading to De Coder's Cafe.
Tried a lot of games. Forbidden Island is okay but we lost. Terra Nova is interesting strategy game, and it made me realise how much Nopol loves to annoy people, making his Arcana definitely the Hermit. Shadow Hunters next, but that one needs more than 4 players to be fun.
Then King of Tokyo, the best game of the day. Most fun. Also I kept accidentally saying Tartarus instead of Tokyo, which was confusing to the rest, and funny to me.
Rushed back home and got my gear set, and here I am. Listening to Persona OSTs. Backside of the TV from P4 is awesome.
Okay back to gaming.
Pax.

Took a walk along the Southern Ridges earlier tonight.

2011-09-24T01:30:00.000+08:00

Quite a pretty place at some spots. Pretty scenic. Lots of couples. Definitely somewhere I'll visit in my future with a girlfriend if I ever get that chance. =X
Pictures are up on FB, don't see the point of double uploading... I suspect this blog is dying soon. >.<
For those who're interested, here's a detailed guide to the Southern Ridges. Try going there yourself!
Just a few pointers:
1. Wear comfortable walking attire and shoes. (I got the attire and shoes right, only I chose to use my jacket instead of my bag for holding my gear; a decision I regretted as it wasn't as handy as a bag.)
2. If going at night, you'll need a torchlight if you want to attempt the Marang Trail, the bit closest to Harbourfront MRT. Alternatively you can walk along the main road.
3. Again if going at night, go with friends, or a significant other. Don't try it alone unless you have at least 5 ranks in insanity- Actually, don't try it even if you have at least 5 ranks in insanity.
4. Camera. Definitely camera. Because there's nothing else to accomplish but taking pictures.
5. If going at night, take note, the gate connecting the HortPark to the Kent Ridge Park's Canopy Walk is locked at 10pm.

My walk was abruptly cut short at HortPark for the reason stated above. -.- Just as well, I suspect I wouldn't be seeing much more anyway, and it was getting really late (10.30pm at the time). I backtracked to the entrance of HortPark, and took a bus down to... opposite NUS High.
I am continuously drawn to the area. I suppose it's because it's somewhere I know so well, somewhere I am familiar with to the point I still consider it a base of operations of sorts...
Walked to West Coast Plaza. Was planning to get something from Starbucks, except it was closed. Settled for a Double Chocolate Ice Blended from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf instead.
And here I am. Man, I'm tired. My legs are aching. Quite a walk, seriously. It must have been at least 6 kilometers, I reckon.

Oh yeah, I finished P3P last night. The male character's route, at least. Now trying the female route, on hard mode, with data carried over. Waltzing through Tartarus cause I'm level 89 and have ultimate weapons and pretty much just rushing everything.
But the ending was very sad, anyway. It made me cry. It's because the story is just... it's not that the story is real, but it's engaging. It really draws you in with its multitude of characters, all of whom are imperfect and so real.
Now the ending theme song makes me sad because it's about the end of the story...
It's just so-! Ahhhh. This song is from the perspective of a robot who has become more human and fallen in love with the main character, and on multiple occasions promised to stay by his side forever and protect him. Only he sacrifices himself to seal away the primal source and save the world, dying on graduation day as she watches him drift off to sleep gently. =(
I'm gonna post the translation, a decent (perfect actually) one.

Memories of You

The voice of the wind sheds drops of light onto you as you doze off
I won't forget your kind smile or your eyes hidden with sorrow

Even though it hurts (to make a wish), I received the courage to fight from you, so I will go
If I awaken (from a dream), I'll be able to see you again

I will hide my distant memories in my breast and sing

+ Because you protected this ephemerally floating world by your own hand
    Now simply fold your wings and sleep restfully
    Be wrapped up in an eternal tranquility, and love through all eternity

    Sleep, by this hand of mine that gently watches over you
    I remember you laughing, you crying, you angry
    I will never forget for all time until my life is exhausted

At a crosswalk, I heard a voice very similar to yours
I turned around and looked up at the sky, holding my tears back from overflowing

Tomorrow for sure (one of these days), I believe I can see you once more as I wander alone
Through rainy nights (and sunny mornings), I keep on waiting

I won't forget the night we ran through

* That brightly shining moment, I was with everyone
    I spent that time without knowing it was irreplaceable
    Now, so that I'll just recall it fondly, I will embrace the feeling

    You were definitely by my side back then, you know
    You were always, always, always smiling right next to me
    Even if I lose you, I'll get you back. I will never leave you.

+ Repeat
* Repeat

Pawn takes King.

2011-09-22T02:06:00.004+08:00

AN: This was written some time ago. I just never got around to publishing it.

Frown lines creased Alex's forehead as he struggled to make sense of the book he was reading. As Cheryl had said, very few psionic masters had as strong an affinity with constructs as him, and even fewer had penned down their research.
And as he had found out the hard way, none of them were capable of using layman's terms. Just deciphering each simple concept took time, let alone understand the entire experiment with its basis, procedure and results. Thankfully, an incoming message interrupted him, giving him a good excuse to take a break from reading.
Well, it definitely wasn't a good excuse in a school lesson, but Cheryl was a lot more lax. She wasn't the kind to spoon-feed and control Alex excessively, merely taught what she had to and handed him the supplementary materials when he asked for them. Alex's learning was largely up to himself, which he found a learning style he was comfortable with.
Taking his phone out of his pocket, Alex opened it to see it originating from Jacen, and groaned. This was definitely bad news. Jacen didn't message him for no reason at all; their chats were limited to over the web.
Sure enough, the message sounded ominous. "If you haven't asked Cheryl about the things I asked you to ask, you've the next ten minutes to."
A whole flurry of thoughts passed through Alex's mind as he pocketed his phone. Something is happening in ten minutes. Should I raise the alarm? No, it'll be too late, not to mention I've no idea what will be happening. For all his flaws, Jacen usually does have a plan... It's probably best that I play along for now.
"Cheryl, this is urgent," Alex began, turning around to face her. His master tilted her head with a questioning look.
"I need to know about the secrets of the Clan."
Cheryl blinked. "This is urgent because?"
Alex shrugged. "Jacen says something's happening in ten minutes. I figure that knowing him, there's nothing we can do anyway."
"Fair enough," Cheryl replied as she bit her lip, but still fired off a tight mental transmission downstairs. Danielle, Jacen messaged Alex saying something's happening here in ten minutes. Be ready.
"Okay, back to the topic. The secrets..." Cheryl hemmed and hawed for a bit, not really knowing how to begin.
"Just lay them out," Alex prompted. "It's not like I'll blame you for them, and we're really running out of time."
"The Clan's money is not exactly legit. You know how we exist on top of a large investment company?"
"Oh. We're stealing some of their funds?"
"Oh no. We own that company. It's more than just a front, it pays for our existence and the monetary spending needed to hold this country."
"I see. So what's wrong with that?"
"There are... often large scale clashes between the Clan and the Movement. Clashes which can cripple whole companies and countries, though covered up as natural disasters or accidents due to negligence. Put two and two together."
Alex frowned. He didn't know much about how the market worked, but he assumed that the investment company made money off knowing beforehand which industries would be affected. "But for that to work, you would have to know where the clashes would happen before they did."
"Of course we do," Cheryl sighed. "There are signs of Movement activity long beforehand. Either that, or we are the ones planning the strike ourselves."
"So this war is highly profitable," Alex murmured to himself.
"In the past we used to just take a tithe of ten percent off every psion's income as well as hefty donations from the richer ones, but in modern days that proved to be both problematic for our people, and insufficient for our research grants. Hence the new way, where we own and work closely with investment companies."
"Why would Jacen want me to know this?" Alex wondered aloud. "And he left the Clan because of... this? Personally it seems like quite a logical development, as much as it abuses the world's economy."
Cheryl shrugged, as she headed for the door. "There's probably more to it. But I suppose only Danielle is privy to that sort of information at the moment. Come on, we should get to the reception area- Huh. I can't sense anything there."
Alex frowned. "You're right. Something's blocking us." The pair broke into a run down the stairs, only to find a group of men and women in suits entering their offices while their own staff were clustered at the reception area.
"This is an investigation by the Corrupt Practices Investigation Bureau. We require your assistance later, but for now please stand aside and wait at the reception area. We'll be interviewing each of you individually shortly," one of the mysterious men announced.
Cheryl frowned as she reached into the officer's mind, only to find herself blocked once more. Turning, she found Danielle seated serenely on one of the reception's comfortable armchairs, where she gave a gentle shake of her head.
With a sigh, Cheryl sat down on one of the seats herself. It was going to be a long wait.

Alex wandered into a nearby park feeling slightly lost. Having claimed to be Cheryl's nephew visiting his aunt at work for family business, he had not been required for an interview unlike the rest. Still, that meant he was out alone, and HQ was closed off to him for the moment.
Is this what wars between the Clan and the Movement are like? I would've never thought them to be so... subtle.
"They're usually not."
The adept jumped visibly at the unexpected comment, which had come from just behind him. He turned around to find a strange man he hadn't met before, though his energy signatures suggested he was a man of some power.
"Limones. Samuel Limones. Ex-head of the Movement extremist wing."
"I don't like the sound of that. What do you want from me?" Alex went instantly into defensive mode, though he didn't believe for a single second he could stop the man if it went into a fight.
"Relax, mate. I'm just here taking a look. So you're the latest pawn caught in the machinations..."
"What of it? I fight for the Clan, if that's what you mean. I have friends there."
"So do we all," Limones replied with a smirk, putting Alex in a state of unease. "Strange though, that some agency should show up and investigate the Clan all of a sudden. Shielded, too."
"Just say you're behind it already," Alex muttered rebelliously with a roll of his eyes.
"Unfortunately, I'm not. Jacen is."
Alex was nonplussed. "What?"
"As I said, the Movement isn't behind this attack. I personally wouldn't, it's far too troublesome for my liking, as well as requires too much energy to shield each of these hardshells individually while handing them their orders. My organization isn't capable of such. Jacen on the other hand is."
"So you expect me to believe that Jacen alone somehow got into some governmental agency, brainwashed the whole lot to raid us, and provided absolutely secure psionic shielding for each and every one of them? And that your organization, the mighty legion of unknown psions, wasn't the one responsible instead because you guys lack the energy to do it?"
"In a nutshell, yes."
"You're messed up," Alex muttered. "But I think you're right. Where do we go from here?"
"I'm not sure what they will find in your offices. Hopefully they'll realise it's nothing but a series of highly unlikely coincidences that your investment company is always spot on for predicting the market, which can be attributed to the skill of your brokers. So all in all it's a harmless attack really, I don't know why he even bothered."
"He never does anything pointless..." Alex murmured. "Shit."
"I see you have grasped what this means."
"So you do know after all," the adept pouted. "Don't lead me on a merry goose chase and just cut to the point next time."
"But if I did, you wouldn't learn anything. You'll have to learn to figure things out on your own. That's how you survive in this game."
"Alright. So he's in the building undetected, and I probably walked right past him. Danielle may be aware, but knowing him, she can't pinpoint which one of them he's disguised as either. The question remains, what is he after?"
Limones laughed as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. "Well, if things don't go missing, then expect things to be added, I suppose. Ways for him to listen in."
"Or in Jacen's case, expect both. And either one of them can be the decoy."
"Or both."
"Or both," Alex agreed. "I can feel myself adding more skill points into my paranoia already."
"That is good. Paranoia keeps you alive. Keeps you on your edge, and see all your enemies' plans clear as day."
"And now my paranoia turns to you. Why are you helping me... if at all?"
"I sense a war coming. I am keen to avoid it. I have lived through enough, and with the Clan's help my wife was cured of her affliction. I have lost my reason to fight, plus we fought side by side during the war against the aura beasts. I do not wish for the world to spiral into turmoil. If this country sparks into war, the whole region will. And with a whole region in open war, the rest of the world will soon follow."
Alex closed his eyes. He didn't know what or who to believe, but Limones' words rang with truth. For now, he would accept this until a more plausible theory presented itself.
"Very well then. You have my thanks."
"Demonstrate your thanks another way. Stop Jacen. Unless I'm very much mistaken, he will be the one to trigger off this war. But he himself is being misled."
"By who?"
"Himself."
Alex slapped his forehead with his palm. "Stop riddling me already."
Limones let out a booming laugh as he snuffed out his cigarette in a nearby rubbish bin. "When the time is right, you'll know. Clichéd but true. Now if you'll excuse me, I have other matters to attend to," he finished as he walked away.
Left alone in the park, Alex collapsed heavily on a bench. I guess this was what Jacen meant when he said he was trying to protect me by not letting me into psionics. It certainly is tiring on the mind.
But I still have to find out. I have to prevent this war. As the only link to Jacen, I'm the only one with the power to stop him.
And by the gods, I swear I will.

Fighting two demons at the same time. I missed this.

2011-09-21T02:53:00.000+08:00

What right do I have? What right? Bitch, I've known you longer than you've known yourself.
And you know what? You'll never amount to anything more. You'll always be what you are: a failed experiment.

Sanctuary is gone. I am very upset.
I am not in a very stable mood tonight; this will amount to nothing more than a bunch of useless rants as usual.
Suffering from my own insanity. Should've expected this, really. Being out of the army for a week was bound to bring this shit upon me. And to think, it's only Wednesday!
So far just feeling constricted. Minimal nausea. No overlays, hallucinations or visions yet. I'm hoping it won't get worse; I've got plans on how to keep it down.
Mainly through intensive gaming actually. P3P is proving to be a valuable tool, engaging as it is. The story is also strangely touching at a couple of points, enough to drive me to tears. I never thought I would do that for a game. O.o
Okay whatever, I best get back to work. Serious work.

I could write you all the answers.

2011-09-20T02:23:00.001+08:00

But I won't, because any answer gotten so easily is worth nothing. And you know this.

Today I made yet another run down to school.
A lot happened, only because nothing of real import happened.
I handed out my gifts. Gave Claire a necklace I got from Broom N Cauldron, and Theophila a bracelet I got from the museum. Tricia's mug from Casuarina Square, as well as Annabeth's book, I couldn't find them, so ended up relying on Isaac. Who got a bar of chocolate from me.
Also gave Joanne one. Wanted to get her something more originally, but firstly I couldn't find something suitable, and secondly I don't think it's my place to be getting her elaborate gifts anymore. *shrugs*
But still. Just seeing her makes me happy. Not in that kind of way, it's more of a... I don't know. She's radiating a peace she didn't use to have. As someone who cares about her, I feel a lot more at ease, and able to share in her joy.
I had a cup of coffee at Starbucks after leaving. It's been a while since I had it at least.

And then I was caught unaware by the demon within. I did not notice the black mood slipping over me till it was too late.
Only it was good for reflection.
I do not know how long I spent standing there at the overhead bridge, overlooking the cars speeding past below. All I knew was that I just watched the buses pass by; some of them mine that I should be getting on, but lacked the energy to do so.
The shittiest realization, was that I carry the storm clouds within me. That it was something about me, not the way life went. I could get accepted into NUS FASS, graduate with top honours, win the Nobel prize, find a fairytale romance, and I would still from time to time sink into this black mood within. Not just feel down, but drop into almost complete depression. Better than the old days, but still worse than a lot of people.
In the end I was jolted out of it by the strangest of sources: a counter comment by Chen Yin. A reminder that I was alive. Still alive. And that I mattered; or rather, I make things matter.
*shrugs*
I got my fire up for the rest of the day. But I did not make much moves. What else was there left for me to do? Seriously now, when I've lost almost everything I used to have, and chances of building something new are so slim.
Patience. Anekico ler aracnia is still a card that's in effect.

So Blogger just chewed up my old template and spat it away...

2011-09-18T20:37:00.002+08:00

Hence the change in blogskin. Will be working on something new. =/
Meh, didn't want to change the look, but it's good, I guess. I've used this blogskin for years now.
Lalalaaaaa.

Of the last seventeen days overseas.

2011-09-17T18:57:00.000+08:00

What I did over the whole trip was maintain a diary, updated as often as I could. So I'll just copy the interesting parts here, and summarise the boring parts. But know that it's a lot longer than what I write here, because of two factors: The first is that a lot of it is just bemoaning my misery, whether I miss my friends, especially Theophila. The second is that since this was a military exercise, I shouldn't need to say that a lot of it is classified. What little I write is already pushing the boundaries, I suspect, but to hell with that.
So, here we go.

29th August, 2309HR
Second time flying off. Last time for entertainment, this time for work.
Still, I expect to get in some good R&R after the work is done. Shouldn't be too intensive, really. Hoping to find good items of the occult or the like to bring back home. And gifts, of course.
Now I just have to figure out how to survive 17 days without my hosts, my internet and minimal music (to the point I actually have to ration it). I cannot risk letting the demon out.
Here I go, then. Operation, start!
30th August, 0049HR
Having trouble sleeping on the flight. I guess coffee earlier at Starbucks with Glenn wasn't such a good idea. Also, my company-mate just jerked in his sleep. First thought: the kick. Lololol. Never sleep on a flight cause someone may try to do Inception. XD
0254HR
Seeing pretty faces is always a good thing, and these two on the flight are not bad, not bad at all. I wonder if Edith will mature so gracefully as well?
0445HR Darwin time
Welcome to Darwin, soldier. =/
0800HR
Just had a pitstop. That was one delicious toasty toasted bacon-and-egg sandwich. Expensive, but worth it, especially in the cold night air.
1727HR
After our first taste of Darwin weather, I'm surprised people live here. Harsh. The sun burns like hell and yet the low humidity dries you out instantly, leaving you dehydrated easily. The strong wind can make you feel chilly at the same time, despite the minimal layer of sweat. You drink till you feel bloated, and yet still feel thirsty due to salt thirst.
Also a lot of sand. The ground here is mostly sand, and it's really fine to the point where your boot size is imprinted on the ground wherever you step. And when the wind blows, it all goes in your face.
As for wildlife, we seem to have landed in a bad season: cricket spawning season. Thousands of crickets and moths swarm the place at night.
31st August, 0604HR
First night here, had an intensive dream. A sort of meta-dream. I dreamed my life was a failure (sort of the way it is now), and I escaped into my world of dreams (in the dream) back in time, back to year 3. There I met Irsyad and was trying to do everything right once again. Sometime later in the dream I was talking with him, telling him I had to tell him something soon, the truth. Then I realised he knew, that he was just a figment of my imagination, that this world was not real, and I couldn't just abandon my life. So I woke up in the first layer of the dream, filled with a raging determination to fix all that was broken.
Scary. But true, oh so true.
1st September 2334HR
Second day over, quite awesome. Notable point, [INFORMATION REDACTED]
The night sky out there was beautiful. First time seeing the Milky Way since my astro trip back then. The stars are incredibly clearm and the cold night air is fucking awesome. I wish I could be here with my close friends, not the army. =/
Been thinking about relationships today. I want a second chance, in life. I really just want to start again. Don't I deserve that beauty in life too? Really miss the rest right now.
PS: Lips feel like they're cracking all the time. Air really is too dry. And oh, kickass Lington cake for the win. Gotta love OTOT fridge-raiding at the cookhouse every night.
2nd September 0114HR
Third day... Right? Lost count so fast. Doesn't really matter anyway, in this timeless hellhole where we await only the end of the exercise.
Witnessed my first live-firing of the real shit my tank is supposed to do today. The earplugs, they do nothing! XD The boom is really cool, it's like how thunder sounds either low rumbles or high-pitched bangs, but in this case it is both at the same time. Not much of a light-show, though I suspect that was just cause it's too fast for our eyes to see. (AN: Yep, cameras show much much more awesomeness) The dust kicked up is crazy too.
0839HR
Sleeping here can be troublesome, it's still swarming with crickets. Can't walk without stepping on a few, which makes one thankful for boots. And they swarm your bags when the sun starts to rise. My gunner woke up to find his covered in them, dropping like rain when he picked it up and had to shake it for a few minutes. Also, both him and my loader had crickets in their helmet, only discovering after they mounted up. XDD Was epically hilarious over the intercom.
My friend's trying to get reception right now, and there's one bar out here. Should I bring my phone next time? Don't know. Being isolated is shit, but also an eye-opener.
2222HR
First fight with my cub commander. He's working too hard and not working smart. I need him to work with me if we are to all survive this.
3rd September 0025HR
Just finished my laundry and got ready to sleep. Called home earlier. Talked a bit, described the weather and work back here. Turns out my hipflask has arrived, yay! Not like I'll get to use it anytime soon though. =.=
Pretty warm night. Miss Theophila and her craziness. I wonder if my liking for her is appropriate. I'm pretty sure I haven't crossed the line so far, definitely not liking her that way. *shudders* She's just like a cute little sister to me. Another friend I hope not to lose (but probably will anyway, knowing me).
2208HR
Writing after lights out with my headlamp. =D This thing is useful.
Early morning, I got to witness the legions of crickets. When I reversed my tank from the parking spot, I saw the ground underneath. Love of the gods, it was disgusting watching them swarming away, running for cover from the sun. It didn't help that most of them were jumping towards my tank, the nearest source of shadow. We lifted the jerrycans from the water point and you couldn't even see the ground underneath them. Scary, almost disturbing. Thankfully not roaches.
Also, my crew had a stellar performance today. Impressed the CO, which was awesome, though he gave us a scary AAR, trying to be funny. =.= "What the fuck, gunner? *short pause while we all shrank in our boots* Why the fuck are you better than the rest?"
And rides in the toner at night are an odd experience. Sitting in utter darkness, seeing nothing, hearing only the engine, feeling the bumpiness and yet knowing nothing. It's the kind that makes me feel trapped in my mind once more, and it was freaky remembering those old days.
4th September 2303HR
My platoon had 100% score, the only platoon to do so. Expected result, really. We are the best platoon for a reason.
Been a while since I felt the demon. A while meaning like, a day. Tried to summon it to the surface earlier, felt kind of weak instead. Sad.
Read out one of my earlier entries to my cub sergeant earlier. Shouldn't have done that, but whatever. At least they know my history now.
5th September 1204HR
7th day in Darwin. Climate here never fails to surprise me. Today the wind is really strong, the blow-everything-away-and-mess-stuff-up kind of strong. Hell, it managed to flip the entire admin tentage while me and my buddy were trying to hold it down. And with the sand as it is, it gets real annoying, real fast.
Sun's still merciless though. So the wind isn't all bad.
6th September 0500HR
Dreamed of Claire again last night. Why must she torment me so?
In the dream she claimed academics as the reason for our situation... But that's just a fantasy. A fantasy where the problem isn't me.
Sinking into battle trance again. We're going out for another run today, and I want it to go well. Our average score yesterday was an embarrassment (though only to me).
2147HR
Quite a day. Today I did interesting stuff, [INFORMATION REDACTED] and also being vehicle commander for one trip. Watching a sergeant run to open the gate for me was just so damn awesome.
Hard to believe I'm still less than halfway through the exercise. I miss home. Or the internet. Or my friends.
Or all of them, I guess.
Using Whatsapp to talk to EYX and my sis. It's not the contact I need, but it's not bad. Will cost like crazy, but fuck that.
I need my hosts. I really need to feed. All this negative energy around is shit and I'm sick of it. I don't know how long I can hold the demon in if everyone just keeps coming at me without a good way to destress or something to counter-balance it. Hell, even meditation is only good for so much.
8th September 0024HR
Rode on the toner like a boss today. And somehow I became ration IC. Handling all the biscuits, gummis and chips and doling them out according to mood.
We're somewhere new today, and it's swarming with flies! It's like we're rotting corpses. I've taken to wearing my camo scarf during the day to protect my ears from being buzzed.
There's nothing but sand and grass and the occasional tree for miles around (No shit, I just described most of Australia).
Bashed a couple of trees in my tank earlier. Quite cool, cause there's absolutely no feel to it at all, as in no recoil or whatever. The tank didn't even respond to the fact that there's a tree right in front of it, getting knocked down. It's demonstrations like these that remind me I'm driving a goddamned tank, and just how powerful it is.
Sleeping in the moonlight watching the stars tonight. Yay!
9th September 2313HR
We just watched Salt for company movie night. Movies about sleeper agents make me uneasy; they strike too close to the truth.
And huge forest fire on the horizon of base camp today. Could smell the ashes and feel the heat. Forest fires are kind of common down here, it seems. We started two yesterday ourselves as an accidental part of training.
Learned the cheatcode today. My platoon-mate figured it out, and now we're teaching the rest of the drivers. Level up! =D
10th September 0604HR
Need to do some intensive thinking. About what I'm going to do with my future. Not the career side, but the goal. I don't want this fate, I don't want my hands to be stained with blood anymore. I don't want my name to be remembered that way. I want to fight my destiny.
As the song goes, I'm not a flower of hell. I need to escape this! I need to write my own fate.
Won't give in, won't take the easy way out.
2115HR
Day trip was today. Wasn't much actually. The mall here is pretty much like Singapore malls, barring the shop names and population. Wandered a lot, swapping around shopping buddies with different people from my platoon. We gathered to have Red Rooster for lunch though, and that was one good roast chicken.
Visited a lot of shops. In the end bought a bunch of books for people at a bookstore having a crazy sale. Prices all dropped from 30 to 50, to between 4 to 9 dollars. I snapped up 4 books total: two books about Dr Who and Top Gear for TSS and EYX, one memoir about depression for my personal reading, and one titled "Intimate Adventures of an Office Girl" for the humour value (it was only 4 bucks, and worth a lot of fun). That last one we were passing around in the bunk later on, making everyone recite a sex scene each. Some people's accents just make it epically hilarious.
I also bought a few things from the brand Gothic Collection. The stuff that brand makes is wicked, awesomely beautiful. I love their art, mainly featuring dragons and faeries, as well as skeletons. It's all really jawdropping, the kind I want to display at home if it wasn't so expensive.
We bought tons of snacks from the local supermarkets. Stocked up well for outfield. =D
And oh, the local KFC has one crazily large menu.
11th September 0653HR
Hmm it's Cass's birthday. Still haven't wished her yet. Gotta brave the freezing wind (it's freaking cold today!) all the way to the charging point to get some reception. The weather is creating a lot of static electricity too, especially on our sleeping bags. When I folded it in the darkness this morning, I could see all the sparks jumping. Was a O_O moment.
13th September 1105HR
Back from [INFORMATION REDACTED]. It's been... interesting. But all in all the commanders go for a lot of meetings, the drivers get a lot of experience in bashing trees, the gunners get a lot of sleep, and the loaders get a course in mobile kitchen management.
On the first day our tank broke down. Had to be slave-started. Now I've really endured all the humiliating breakdowns a driver can withstand (and none of it was my fault, just my cursed luck).
Sleeping in tank, not fun. Seat not large enough for butt to head. Either butt aches or neck pain. Temperature was controllable to become toasty in the cold night air though, which was good.
In the morning we were driving in an awesome line, and then this whole flock of large black birds came flying around, and it looked so perfect, so picturesque. And they even landed right in the path of my tank, prompting me to floor the accelerator and chase them. It was so damn cool, one of the experiences the whole crew rated as unforgettable.
Second night we broke out all the rations. My commander cracked out three cans of chicken and one can of beef stew. Crazy shit, we actually left them somewhere where the engine heated them up along the run and it was awesome eating hot food.
Australian rations are the bomb. They have chocolate in their rations. Actual chocolate! I prefer Singaporean rations for the main meals though. =) Australian ones are for people who actually have time to cook...
And their resupply lines are the real deal. Needless to say I can't say anything about it, but I was very impressed by the organization and efficiency. Maybe we can learn something from it, will have to see our own first before we raise any learning points about that.
All in all, a lot more experienced at speeding and bashing trees. Definitely a lot more confident about the dimensions of my vehicle now, at squeezing into gaps and gauging distances. Very important driver skills. There were quite a few times my commander kept going "Woah woah woah NOOOOOO" then nothing happened cause it was all very close gaps. XD
2154HR
Stressed at breaking point due to certain events and a lot of work that would've been unnecessary if not for the mistakes of my cub sergeant. In the end I organized the ones affected into redoing the thing and got it all done, by speaking very softly and nicely as opposed to my usual evil sarcasm. I don't think anyone realised I was stretched to my limit and was about to murder something. Were they listening to me because I was speaking nicely, or did they detect that something was wrong? Did they suspect that this unpredictable soft-spoken side of me was highly volatile?
Succeeded in maintaining my calm veneer anyway. Mindthings' peaceful music is good.
16th September 0349HR
The final day. It's all finally over.
I just woke up with a funny dream about Irsyad and I back in school... in Chinese lesson. XD Good lord, I miss the old days, when one of us would make a bad joke and then there would be that stop-and-stare moment. I carried that habit into the army, now I make the worst jokes in my platoon.
At this point, lying on my sleeping bag on the floor (I folded up my cot bed early to save me time in the morning), memories of the last 17 days rush at me. It's quite a realisation that I will never burn in the Australian sun here again, nor have much flies left to fight. My learning mission here is done, and I am glad. It has been a rather long journey. Suffering, compounded by deprivation of all the things I love the most. My gaming, music, my friends, even my constant internet feed of what my juniors are doing with their lives. I certainly came out of it a better tankee, but did I come out of it a better person?
Personally, I don't think so. In the end I'll go back to normal, back to gaming, back to excesses. But I guess I'll always look back and remember this time, this period when I was plucked out of my comfort zone and stranded in this hellhole with my company.
On another note, the last few days have been nothing much, just usual servicing. Tensions between the three platoons rose quite a bit, still trying to manuever my platoon to the top by making the other two slug it out.
Last night was the end-of-frame dinner, customary to all overseas exercises. Due to all drivers being promoted to Lance Corporal, I was forced to down a can of beer. Man, it was like drinking liquid fire, drinking it too fast. Sometime after, I went to the toilet and purged it out. XD Definitely a healthier choice than trying to keep it down.
(AN: First bird started chirping at 4.39am. Those birds sort of wake me up every morning. Useful as an alarm clock.)
1719HR, Singapore time.
On the flight back! Mixed emotions. On one hand I am glad the exercise has ended and we're out of that hellhole. On the other... Why do I not feel pleased at returning?
Homecoming. Could there possibly be anything worse than returning home and finding you are still lost? Anywhere but here. Anywhere but home.
What is home? What is my sanctuary? It's been a while since I felt that peace of mind and security. Perhaps it's all part of growing up.
Today's been largely uneventful, demon-wise. Held it all in despite the lack of release for weeks.
We visited the Museum and Art Gallery of the Northern Territory this morning. Wasn't much, all of the pieces lack feeling to them. That's when I discovered the pieces on display are altered, changed. The Aboriginal artists will not display their sacred art, not even in the museum.
Stopped at Skycity Casino for buffet lunch, at Sunset Restaurant. Wasn't anything spectacular either... except for roast lamb with mint sauce. Definitely an interesting experience. Mint sauce is unique.
Shopping at Casuarina Square followed. My loader saw an interesting shop on the bus there, and so my crew slowed down to the back of the group, and detoured there instead of going to the mall. The shop is Broom & Cauldron, a shop catering to Pagan, Wiccan and Gothic supplies and gifts. Definitely interesting stuff, tons of stuff I wish I had but know I'll never use. Got a gift for Claire. Hmm. *winks*
Got a new book for the flight, since I finished reading The Devil Within. This one's entitled The New Vampires' Handbook, for humour. XD
And bought 8 whole bars of chocolate. It was really cheap, 2 bars for 5 Aussie dollars. The shoppers and cashier were all joking with us over it.
To the airport next. Glenn and I spent a long time at the coffee shop again, talking about our pasts and futures. I try to associate with him more cause he's one of the people lagging behind in the platoon, and he is a much needed piece.
Present Time
During the flight I was seated with a Russian woman, returning from a holiday with friends down in Darwin. Her English wasn't very good, but from what I could make out she was rather well-travelled, heading to a lot of holiday spots in both Eastern and Western countries. It was amusing at the end when she finally found out I was from the army. XD Wouldn't have told her at all, but our cover was blown sky-high by the Jetstar crew, who announced "To Singaporean residents returning and our SAF army boys, welcome home." Quite a nice touch, and we all cheered at it. After all, it was all finally over.
Bought a couple of bottles of hard liquor on the way back. One vodka and one whiskey, to be exact. And we ate supper. Things happened, but I don't want to go into detail. Let's just say it was a cursed day, just as I had expected.
After all, the 16th of September has always been a day when I reflect on the past and how it all leads into the present. How my mistakes of the past have reverberating effects that echo through time.
Although last night was a different sort of reminder, of how I need to be less self-centered and pay attention to the arena I've forgotten and taken for granted: family.
*shrugs* Will have to pay more attention to it over the next few months. But for now I've to get my life back in order first.
And with that, back to gaming. Minecraft 1.8! =D

Happy birthday Cass!

2011-09-11T00:00:00.002+08:00

At this point, things should still be going okay for you, if not you actually being satisfied and happy.
I hope things go well, and that you have a great birthday. =)

Last words. Before I leave, that is.

2011-08-29T17:32:00.000+08:00

I will be gone until 16th September.
I hope things get better for everyone while I am gone. Of late people have been suffering, and... well it's normal, I guess. Persevere, alright?
Just hold true to yourself, value yourself. If times get hard, take a break and think about how far you've come, and who you are today.
I'll be seeing you all.
Stay safe.

I never walk alone. Death is an old friend that follows rather closely.

2011-08-29T04:19:00.001+08:00

Sometimes too close for my own comfort. That's when you see me brush something off my shoulders. I don't like cold clingy hands. Even when my own are the same. Ahahahaha.

But hmm, intriguing ideas. "If you ever win that race against rage then you'll be king cause it's no man's land." It's not that it's no man's land but rather the fact that no one is on this tier of thinking and so if you ascend, you'll be there, and fuck, it's all yours to take.

Fears. Fear is my major stumbling block. Fear is the one final demon I have never been managed to stamp on. Because it simply grows underneath and engulfs me once more. Unlike despair, hatred, violence, it always finds space to grow, and is unfettered by discipline. So it is ironic perhaps, that I am fuelled by fear. I live on it. Fear is a drug, and I am addicted to it. Yet when it comes...
I am terrified. Fears of monsters both outer and inner. I fear losing people. I fear losing my equilibrium. I fear losing my position. I fear losing myself.

The Devil is my lot, or at least that of a part of me. It scares me sometimes, to the point that I always try my best to forget it. Occasionally I remember it, then I do my best to forget again.
I don't like it. I don't like that my fate, my purpose, is to drag you all screaming through the gates of hell.

Cause of a conversation I'm having now, I just remembered my first time hurting someone back in primary 2. Funny how things were. It was to defend an autistic girl from people laughing at her, chasing them away. And then she pushed me. She fucking pushed me. My left knee has a permanent scar cause of that day.
First day I hurt, and got hurt. Learned a lot since that day.
Same old theories. Don't go out of your way to defend others. If you do, make sure it ain't costing you too much, unless it benefits you. Save your strength to hurt only those who would hurt you and your own. Then you put them in a world of hurt.
These theories seemed like a load of bull while I was in high-school. It was like I knew how they worked theoretically, but never saw how the links actually applied. I never really appreciated them (though I tried anyway) until I got here, where it's a game of survivor.
I mean, when I went back to NUS High the other day, Mdm Rohaida commented that all my Facebook statuses were very violent and that she feared I was going to kill someone. Shud reassured her that this was part of unit life. It's that crazy.
And I ain't holding anything back this time.

I'm leaving tonight. So soon. So bloody soon. (I haven't even reached Tartarus level 100 in P3P yet XD)
But hey, it's only less than 3 weeks... Though I know I'll miss some people, perhaps rather badly. Theophila, for one, has become surprisingly close of late. I never would've thought I would be close friends with someone so young, it feels inappropriate even to me, but whatever.
Also didn't really get to game properly with the guys the other day. It didn't feel right, at least.
Sigh, loads of regrets, but it's not like I'm going to die there.
... Right? -.- Calculation was originally 10%, but I removed certain limiters and put in new enhancers, re-crunched the numbers and now it's a measly 3.5%. Still a little high, but it's as low as I can sink it. Pretty sure I've lowered my demon susceptibility to the absolute minimum, and the rest of the factors are largely uncontrollable.

The other day I did a tarot draw, I think I misinterpreted it. I was heavily influenced by recent events, and I saw only what I wanted to see. If I had taken the alternative interpretation instead, the Fool in the future position meant... a new way of life. A new beginning, perhaps? The Fool is a very strong card, being nothing, hence meaning everything.
At any rate, I shall do a new draw for my coming trip.
And here in the past position is the Seven of Swords, indicating the foundation of my current situation stems from my independence. Perhaps I am still suffering from a break-up... or else the card is saying someone cheated on me (not necessarily romantically), a fact I might still not really be sure of.
And in the present position is the Ten of Cups. This card carries emotional impact, so there is some wonderful sentiment permeating my life and my world at present.
And in the future position is the Nine of Pentacles, signifying that the outcome of the question I had going into my reading is positive, especially materialistic-wise or the like.
... Huh. What a load of bull. Perhaps I am simply too sleepy to channel my energies properly. That makes 2 out of 7 unsuccessful readings for myself. (Though we'll see, eh? If it comes true, I'll be sure to note that down.)

I've had enough, time to sleep.
Eirene.

Stop screaming in my head. I'll write down your bitter tale, alright?

2011-08-28T05:31:00.000+08:00

Quick update of things happening lately? Just went clubbing on Friday night, burned $80, drank a quarter of a bottle of Martell cognac and promptly puked it out at home to purge my system, went out LAN gaming on Saturday with NPY, EYX and TSS, and that was about it.And oh, more P3P.
Dreading my overseas exercise. There is a corresponding rise in insanity.

The story of a brutal killing. The demon demands release.
I am suffering.
Within me it gnaws away at the tenuous strands holding it back. It has been way too long. Yet if I am learning to survive without depending on this, then I shouldn't have need of it.
No, there will be other ways.
And for now, iron discipline shall take over once more and force me to go to bed. I need to do my final packing tomorrow.
Pax.

I hate you Megumi-hime... but only cause I still love you. =/

2011-08-27T12:57:00.002+08:00

The following was typed out in the middle of last night/this morning.

I'm blogging in a club while half-drunk. LMAO.
At any rate, drinking to get rid of the pain. Half gone, at the point where the heavy bass is getting to my head and the only way to get rid of the pain is to either head-bang or drink more.
Never got so drunk before. I tend to watch my alcohol and imbibe it slowly instead of drinking so much at one go.
Still, I can type and blog, so not that bad, mm?
The main reason I'm drinking is cause I went back today to see her. And she didn't even give me the time of the day, merely an angry glare. For someone who was kissing me just a month before, she's fucking messed up.
I had enough of this shit. Time to forget her for a couple of years.
… If only it was that easy.

I WILL!

2011-08-26T03:46:00.000+08:00

Burn my dread~

I'm now in so many secret Facebook groups it's starting to get ridiculous. Three are the same overarching group, merely on scale: One of nation, one of school, one of the army. Then another two of the army, one regarding the "Eyepower Regiment", which is more or less just a way of having a secret Facebook group with no commanders, and then the other is what the founder is choosing to call the "Social Operation". The last one is very amusing because it is inevitable that it will fall apart: we'll just have to see how the first event plays out later this evening.
... Tired. Been playing Persona 3 Portable all day. It's still rather good. Music is nice for the male character's path; that is to say the original music of Persona 3 itself.
And got a good rest for my legs. I will be able to head out again tomorrow.
Still have to organize Saturday's outing. Not going to be easy.
Will be back in school tomorrow to see Gamelan for the last time before their concert. Hope things go well. (Needless to say, also hoping to see her for a bit at least.)
What else... Hmm. No idea really. Just worrying over some friends, for once in quite a while. It's been a bit since I had friends close enough to worry about. I hope things go right for you all.
Tired. Guess I should go to bed now.
Pax.

Once in a blue moon.

2011-08-24T00:38:00.000+08:00

So today we started off with IPPT. Somehow by a fluke I managed to jump 234cm for SBJ, the minimum for a Gold. Leaving nothing but the 2.4km run in my way.
... My last 2.4km timing was 10:50 something. That's more than a minute over the gold timing, 9:44.
So here I went, running as fast as I could for the run, trying to keep the known gold timing people within my sight. First round, going strong, keeping the pace. Halfway through the second round I was already flagging and constantly pulling out new bits of fiction to mindfuck myself.
Last round, I had my OC running alongside me all the way, pushing me on constantly. I was pulling out every single piece of fiction I had ever written, all the emotions were boiling out, but it wasn't enough. Not even Oath of Steel could keep my body moving at the end, though it managed to make the final sprint.
I missed gold timing by less than 10 seconds. The only bright side is I cut my timing by about a minute, which is no small accomplishment. Still... Sigh.
At any rate, vomited after the run. Guess my body really couldn't take it. Felt terrible for the rest of the morning, though an iced lemon tea did help. I suppose it helped regain my stomach acidity after I purged most of its contents.
I haven't pushed myself so hard for a very long time. And that afternoon, I discovered why.
Do you ever have those moments where your mind goes off on a tangent you really don't want to go but can't stop? Yeah, I had one, of the violent kind. I couldn't stop imagining bashing in the head of my sergeant, or slashing his throat, or stabbing his eyes out- this may all seem perfectly reasonable, but he's a really nice guy and has done nothing bad to us at all the whole day. It was just the stress building up all day and targeting randomly.
So there I was, marching on autopilot, wavering in line because I was trying my best to fight the demon and maintain control. I was shivering with a look of horror the whole way, forced to watch what my mind was showing me.
In the future, I cannot afford to push too hard again. I cannot let my mental strength dip so low that I risk loosing the demon upon the world. That would seriously fuck up my plans for life.
Have to watch out. Today was a dangerously close shave, won't let it happen again...
Maybe I should just get that psychological review and down-PES after all. Active combat unit could be too risky for me...

Of words, hunts, hipflasks and her.

2011-08-21T03:50:00.000+08:00

It is a different arrangement every time. A new pattern. A new code not to break, but to comprehend through its subtleties. To grasp its meaning without truly understanding it. To feel, but not to think. To sense instead of visualising.
I'm not making any sense, am I?
It is just... beautiful. The words.
Truly the work of an angel, even if it is a rogue one.

I am running through the city, with a fever in the blood. The rain pours steadily from the sky but the only thing I notice is how it has made the floor slippery and more unstable for my feet. Everywhere, people are looking at me as I pass them, but I do not see their questioning eyes. Their gazes of accusation at one who would break the norms and rules of society by running full out, and in the rain when there is shelter to be had.
I am hunting for something. An answer.
A part of me recognizes the same old burning need and how there is always no answer to be found. The rest of me is just indulging in the adrenaline as I rush past the city and the city rushes past me. The sights and the music blur into a meaningless mosaic of light and sound, deafeningly loud and pounding in my ears yet muffled.
Was there a point in all this? Not for anyone else, perhaps. But for me, yes. It was my way of relieving all the pent up stress from having to cope with society. All the surges of blood hunger, all the urges to punch people in the face, all of it was channelled into the hunt. That one single overpowering emotion to find the target no matter the cost.
It is enough to settle the war within.
But it is never enough for peace.

So today I went out. I bought tons of stuff from Chevrons, except they ran out of my boot insoles and insect repellent and so it was annoying.
And I headed out again. Read the first few chapters of SC2: Devils' Due in Kinokuniya, still waiting for it to come out in paperback. =/
Went up and down Orchard trying to find a hip flask. End result: The one at Royal Selangor is outrageously expensive, while Taka basement no longer sells them. So basically I didn't succeed. I'm probably going to ship mine in now, to save myself the trouble. What I don't like is the fact that it'll take a while cause as you know, I'm not a very patient person.
But at least I'll get to personalise it. That's a small comfort.
Don't know what to write on it actually. I want something to remind me of... I don't know what. Right now I'll probably just leave it as "The strongest steel is forged in the fires of hell."
Old lessons are the best.

Lately things have been changing. I'm not sure how to describe it, because perhaps I'm not even sure how they're changing in the first place.
What I do know is that I'm cutting some people loose, with no hopes or care if they return or not. Sometimes it's best to just widen the space to impossibly large and believe that fate will let us meet again, maybe half a year, a year or more down the road.
But when it comes to her... Things are shifting. I crawled out of this distracted funk much faster than the past. I am also slightly more perceptive (though still largely self-blinded) about things regarding the state of us.
What I don't like is that the thought that we no longer fit together crossed my mind. It is like an infectious poison, one that eats away at some of the stability I had in my faith. It chews up all my plans and sort of puts me in a state that no longer cares.
I suspect that if I get to meet her again, I'll be back to that distracted funk. But I also theorise I'll climb out even faster, and the cycles will get faster and I'll realise more until I finally get over her. (This theory has a 50-50 chance of being true. Or rather 90%, but with the fact that I'll still be distracted whenever I'm with her.)
Whatever the case is, I'll find out soon. Basilisk said 26th. So it shall be.
I'll be seeing you.

Fight, evolve or die.

2011-08-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

This afternoon during lunch I snarled brutally at one of the company's more blur men for bumping into me and spilling my drink, and left the whole table heaping abuse upon him.
After I sat down I started thinking about how it was like Pokemon down here. Fight, evolve, and survive. The one with the most effective tricks wins. As rankless men, there was nothing more important than our bag of tricks and stunts to pull the wool over our commanders' eyes (which is impossible for most and very hard for the remaining).
And then a thought came hammering into my head, strong enough that I put my utensils down and started tearing. I wasn't always like this.
Back in high school I was a lot more soft-hearted. I always had time for the ones lagging behind. Even though I disliked the few slow ones too, I still made the effort to talk to them, to try and be the bridge between them and society. Having been once an outcast, I understood. I helped.
And now... Just because I secured my position fast and early with both men and commanders, I use them as what, stepping stones? Create pariahs just for the sake of advancing up the ladder myself?
Gerald would be fucking amused. Finally after everything he and I tried, in the end it took the army to hammer me into the mindset a Hunter should adopt. Survival of the fittest.
Felt like shit earlier. Still do, a bit. Ashamed, really. I guess I should just try and hang on to what's left of my humanity. I still care for within my platoon, at least. That is something...

And oh, yesterday was Games Day and CO evening. My company got trashed for Games Day, getting third. Expected, really, what with 1st Coy's ample practice and Support Coy's teams from Monsters Inc. (They're. Seriously. Fucking. Big.)
Then CO evening wasn't much, but food ran out fast. And then the MDC band that came down... Well, I just didn't like her voice/take of the songs. And the performances were crappy. All in all, an evening that felt wasted in truth.
Alright, I should try and get some sleep now. Have to do some serious buying and packing before my overseas trip.
Pax.

Keeping it all together...

2011-08-18T01:30:00.000+08:00

Too many things. Stressed.
My brother flew off for Brazil today(or rather yesterday, aka 17th). Luckily I had a nights out, so I was able to rush to the airport in time by taking a taxi to Clementi MRT and train the rest of the way to the airport.
Met with the rest of my family at the foodcourt in Basement 2, Terminal 3. Joined them for what remained of dinner, and then went upstairs.
Saw him off. It'll be a good year or two before I see him again.
Sigh. Don't know what to feel about that yet. I suppose it'll only sink in this Sunday when I realise I've to do his share of the household chores too LOL.
Anyway, visited The Cocoa Tree and bought a nice big pack of Hershey's Kisses/Hugs. Been munching on them way too much and there's still so much left. Packaging slows down consumption to a good rate. =D
My parents sent me back to camp afterwards. Got back by 9pm, a lot earlier than necessary, but that was alright with me talking to Theo...

Feeling stressed, as I said. Too much tension in the air, as well as the urge to rewrite the injustice I see all around. The worst part is my insanity is getting stronger now, able to pull off greater and greater stunts. Just today I managed to do one right under a commander's nose... I'm afraid of what it might do when it starts taking over more situations than just reactionary survival instincts alone. Whatever. Need my sleep.
Pax.

Wet like hell appears to be the one time I break down.

2011-08-17T01:06:00.000+08:00

So we did post-ops recovery today. I didn't avoid the duty and so was washing tank.
How much mud did our three tanks bring back from outfield? A lot. Imagine the washing bay, an area 15 by 30 meters wide. Now imagine it ankle-deep in mud. All of it. Fucking hell, it was like we were outfield all over again.
And I got soaked and sand all over. Some time later that evening I was chilled to the bone and unable to bring myself to work anymore.
Tired. I should sleep, lots of activity tomorrow.
Pax.

Oh Chariot, I'm singing out loud; To guide me, give me your strength...

2011-08-16T03:24:00.000+08:00

Just returned from what can only be said to be the most tiring mission to date.
Seriously, it was all just endurance I guess. Sitting in position and driving for extended periods of time, it all resulted in aching ears and heads. Also stressful on the legs for all the pedal work.
But for a guy who's been dealing with headaches from insanity for so long now, it wasn't so bad. Merely the aching ears.
Observing a single spot at night was like watching a horror movie though. Just waiting for the scare to pop up out from the side.
And reversing, which was entirely guided by the commander in the dark, felt surreal. I just ducked my head down and found myself sitting in a dark compartment, merely turning when told. The whole scene, which played out way too many times, felt like a dream... A bad one.

Also tried to build a new class, Chariot, in view of more tank-oriented skills, but it didn't work out. Guess I'm sticking with good old Hunter for now.
Okay whatever it's getting really way too late, I need my sleep.
Pax.

Truly thou art great, Legion...

2011-08-14T21:44:00.000+08:00

So... Long hours up, long hours down. Then lots of work which should've been shared but wasn't.
Am I being a fool, always taking the greatest burden upon myself in the hopes others would reciprocate? Is it really my fault for believing in humanity the way I was so painfully taught?
Cause I can always change to fit the mould, and shirk work. I can very easily turn devil on these guys, just that I choose not to.
Whatever. I believe my reward will come with time. So I'll let it be for now.

But man, I never fall. Legion's integrating with Hunter lately, one of the few good things to come out of the recent crash. It's gotten to a ridiculous point, which is good cause I like outstanding powers.
And oh, started playing Persona 3 Portable on my sis's PSP. Very entertaining. Also good for sentry duty while I let my buddy sleep.
Australia trip soon. Not looking forward to some of the most tiring days of my life yet. But definitely looking forward to R&R. Got so many things I want to buy, both for myself and other people.
Okay, gotta go get more rest now, tough training tomorrow.
Pax.

again with the dread visions.

2011-08-12T18:40:00.000+08:00

So today there was another near miss. Turns out my trigger programming was still largely cobbled-together and unstable after what I've started terming as the Awakening, and it nearly caused me to break Slayer while sitting in an unmanned tank. Would've been disastrous. For now I've settled for locking down all Slayer triggers except for the only physical one with the bullhorn susceptibility. Needs work.

Now headed for nights out. I hate those wham moments when the mood just takes a 180 degrees turn... We were teasing a bunkmate about why he got called out in the middle of a briefing when he revealed it was cause his grandmother just passed away. =/ awkward silence ensued until he left the room.
Fucking crazy, man. Hope he's doing fine...
Oh well. Tired out, will try to nap so I can enjoy my dinner with the guys later.
Pax.

Everytime you go, you take a part of me, a part of me with you...

2011-08-10T20:49:00.000+08:00

Half an hour away from book in... And I've already stopped gaming some time back. Didn't manage to get much gaming in today anyway, didn't feel like it.
Said goodbye to my brother for the last time for what, six months? Maybe more. I don't know when I'll see him again. So we shook hands and I couldn't come up with any better line than "Try not to fail.". I need to invest more in wit.
I could have applied to see him off, except he had problems with his visa and didn't manage to get the flight date early enough for me to apply for off. That aside, he's also flying off in the middle of my platoon tank battle course, and I'll feel bad about abandoning my platoon while they're doing recovery or something...
Yeah. I guess I have some commitment to my army friends after all, though it really sucks at the moment cause it's a warzone at the coyline.
I hope we get lots of free time over the next few weeks. I feel crappy enough as it is about having to stay in for a bit over two weeks or so in a row... Cause there's a goddamned battle course inside, along with one guard duty sighhh.
Long break is ending. I just wish we had another one soon.
Or even if there is, what's the point, really. I suspect I'll feel the same. The source of the emptiness is not the lack of free time, it's the lack of someone to spend it with.
Hell, if I could just talk to her over MSN, I won't mind spending a month in camp... That's just how much I need her. =/
...
Okay whatever. Enough emoing. Got to raise up some hell for now, even if I'm incapable of bringing the full force to bear.
On to camp, then.

There are still areas that remain locked off to me.

2011-08-10T04:37:00.000+08:00

It annoys the fuck out of me how there are areas of my own mind I cannot access because she is no longer with me. It's my fucking head. My mind. She has no right, she shouldn't have control.
But such was the pact we had. *sigh*
Specifically some areas of Sanctuary are locked off, though I know they can be unlocked as long as I have a new host. The strange one though, is this section of the Demon... For the whole afternoon I was trying to ponder what on earth it was, and I couldn't figure it out.
In my current sleepiness, I seem to be closer to the answer however. I believe it was a combined thing. Not just my madness, but ours. She brought out the best in me, and while anyone can make me love once more, only she could help me tame my demon with her own.
2 more months. Will we both make it in time?
I don't want us to have to leave each other behind again.

First trigger activated, awakened.

2011-08-09T02:01:00.001+08:00

Timeline just started. Fuck fuck fuck to think I was wasting my time slacking away today.
2 months, 2 days. Remember. Remember. Remember.
GODMOTHERFUCKINGDAMNIT JUST REMEMBER IT ALL NOW. Stop making me work for it!
I didn't know the answers then. I still don't. But what I do have is important information pertaining to all of this, and I need it now. I hate working on a need-to-know basis because every single little bit of information helps refine Legion's calculations. And since I know now that the previous calculations made when these locks were placed down were inaccurate, I fear. I'm really afraid.
Unless I'm very much mistaken, I may have just lost my shot at getting back the two greatest things in my life, with miscalculations alone.
This is unacceptable.
I can't do this alone anymore. It's time to go crawling back to my master with my head bowed humbly. =/

I went out for my National Skin Center appointment today. Was half an hour late due to being too lazy to step out, but whatever.
It's awesome how what used to cost a lot is now all free with my 11B.
Stuffed all the medicine into my jacket and saved me from carrying things about.
Went to Marina Square. Pretty much just wandered around. Bought something from Action City for Edith. Walked past the old puzzle store and sighed inwardly as I found my footsteps strangely heavy.
Went to Suntec City. Trolled through for a while, found nothing interesting, left again.
Went to Bugis. Recon-ed Iluma, searched through Bugis for certain people, and found nothing of import. Except I met Weiren.
And then waited till I met up with Edith, after which we had lunch at Nando's.
Originally thought about watching a movie but there was nothing to catch, so we went back and went through Bugis instead.
Then we walked through Orchard, having ice-cream at the usual store in Taka's basement.
Onto Plaza Sing next, where I bought an honour wakizashi inspired by The Last Samurai. The irony of this is how the label attached states "Duty and Loyalty, Heroic Courage, Justice and Morality", when I display... none of them. Okay, maybe the first two. But Justice and Morality definitely out.
Pictures:

The inscription upon the blade, according to my master, is supposed to mean "I belong to the warrior in whom the old ways have joined the new". That unlike the label is much more relevant. After all as the wielder of Legion, I am the master of past, present and future.
Stoned at The Cathay next, though I spent more time sleeping than not. Then left for home while Edith continued to wait to attend some RGS concert.
Long trip home. And memories were both deleted and revived.
We're opening a new chapter now.

The purchase of a weapon was not meant to be pragmatic. As a replica, its workmanship is shoddy, and sharpening it alone would be a bitch to do. Throw in the fact that a wakizashi is too long to conceal under my jacket, and that would be enough. (Hence my preference for modern combat knives despite the ceremonial importance of having a traditional weapon.)
So, this wakizashi was for ceremonial, ritual purpose only. By custom, a Hunter acquires his first weapon in combat using his master's weapon when he comes of age. In this century, I have settled for the more healthy alternative of purchasing a ceremonial weapon instead.
It is a physical reminder of my oath, the solemn vow to follow the Hunter's Code. To strive for blood, honour and glory. Along with obeying the dozens of clauses and sub-clauses of course.
Of which one very important one sticks out for me, as it always has. To never back down.
Actually to be honest, a lot of clauses stick out for me. O.o Let me pick out my favourite ones...
Mission before self.
Be cunning. The strong take from the weak, but the smart take from the strong.
The strongest steel is forged in the fires of hell. Understand why you must go through pain.
Never back down. As a Hunter, your will is the will of the world.
Hmm. And in this case, not backing down means to carry out my quest till the end. What I planned, I will execute. What I target, I will achieve.
I am a Hunter. I won't just survive- I will triumph.

These five words in my head, scream "Are we having fun yet?"

2011-08-08T01:32:00.000+08:00

Damn you. Damn you straight to hell.
Even if I understand why it had to be done. There was no other way for me to avoid going crazy...
But still, if you were going for this kind of gambit again, couldn't you have at least calculated everything right. o.o
To be honest it's unexpected to me. And if the me then had known I would be here now, he would be shocked too.
A good half a year too early. It's not a matter of days, not a matter of weeks, but of whole months. How did the calculations get so far off? Something changed, a factor that I back then had not foreseen despite Legion being at its peak in the past. One piece of free will, both strong and unpredictable enough to change the tiniest of odds...
... right. I know now. WTF THEO. *facepalm*
Never mind, not like anything was intentionally flawed or screwed up. Gotta move onto where to go from here.
The chances of success are still below 40%, theoretically not worth taking a shot at. If I had been able to continue waiting in hibernation for another half a year, it would've been much higher...
Or maybe not. The whole simulation's changed, after all.
No. I cannot afford to expend that much more of my mind in another bid to put myself back into hibernation. I need to either push on, or back off and try to survive somehow until the time is right.
... Looks like the first for me. o.o
Pax.

Say oh, got this feeling that you can't fight, like this city is on fire tonight...

2011-08-07T07:00:00.000+08:00

So... hmm.
Left the house at 3.30pm, took the bus down to Bukit Batok where I met up with Alvin, TSS, LC and Gan at CSC. They were just ending their game though, so we ended up just taking the MRT back to Lakeside heh.
Bought ice and drinks from 7-11, then headed over to Gan's home, where he was having a gathering for people from our batch.
Was quite a good time. Started off with lots of swapping of army stories over dinner (pizza and chicken wings and other random stuff).
And there was a Mafia game. Only one, because that took forever as it was because of lots of interruptions and people couldn't really focus well haha. Still, I managed to pull off my old stunts again, being responsible for pinpointing out the two doctors to the other mafia, and successfully predicting my lynching the night before. As usual, a simple Mafia game with friends I used to know is the perfect playground for Legion...
Next entertainment was the movie Three Idiots. Great movie! Definitely worth the watch for the humour.
We followed it with a game of Acquire, which was complicated faux stock-market sort of game, albeit not realistic in certain areas. Still, it involved enough math to frustrate me, resulting me in ending up 4th in the game out of 6th.
As for why I was so incapacitated... It was at 2am in the morning for one thing.
The other factor is that over the night, I had managed to down one quarter of a large bottle of vodka. I highly suspect embarrassing pictures of that will end up on Facebook, because my metabolism digested it straight away and reacted with an epic flush and bloodshot eyes that made me look like some Japanese demon to the rest of the guys, as they described it. XD Was constantly reassuring the rest of the guys I was still fine hehe. Thinking was okay, but I guess math was wayyyy too boring for me to do.
We then watched Men In Black, a classic. The rest of the guys retired to bed upstairs afterwards, while I left. At 5.51am in the morning.
Because surprisingly, Gan lives only about 3.5km away from me. I ran back home and made it within half an hour, and with a nice cup of Big Gulp to rehydrate myself from all that alcohol.
So... Not sure what comes next.
It was a great night with the guys and girls. Way more fun than sitting at home by myself at least haha.
Only a few downers, like I didn't get drunk. Despite the amount of vodka I was chugging.
And like how alcohol silences the demon and makes everything seem more fun, but after a while you just either go numb or the iron loneliness starts tearing you apart from the inside.
And seeing the two couples there just sort of made me jealous, I guess. I remembered my old times, and felt a sense of nostalgia/longing haha... Was one of the main reasons I pushed out and got home without heading upstairs to sleep with the rest.

Sigh. Emailed Claire again because of my dream, in which she glomped me and I miss that so much. Made a much stronger push in the email. I keep making strong pushes.
I need to ease up, maybe, but I'm running out of time. I need to get this thing sealed and done before the Hunter's Moon.
Alright I guess I need my sleep now. It's not good to deprive my body of sleep during my rest days...
Pax.

Did some minor editing to my blog picture

2011-08-06T14:18:00.001+08:00

Looks a lot worse but at least it sounds slightly less emo now.
Whatever, may try and continue fixing it later. I'm not in a very good mood thanks to a rather depressing dream.
Might as well head out and meet some old friends.
Kthxbye.

First time using Oath of Steel... Surprisingly effective but a little depressing.

2011-08-06T00:54:00.001+08:00

Mostly cause it shuts down my emotions to conserve energy, I suppose. But at least I won't fall until my goal is complete.
And at this point my goal is to finish writing these damned reports and logs and mission plans, before getting some sleep. I'm really, really tired. To be calculative, I've had less than 2.5 hours of real sleep on a bed, and less than 4 hours including combat naps since Wednesday night.
So the week was supposed to be an intensive 4 days field-camp. What happened was kind of shit instead cause all sorts of circumstances ganged up on us and resulted in just two days of outfield training. The sad part about this was two sets of recovery to be done heh.
And it rained like hell on Thursday, resulting in shitloads of mud everywhere arghhh.
Also settling in with our commander, doing the real runs. I'm doing fine as the driver, by applying the simple rule that there is no speed other than "floor the fucking accelerator on auto gear". Only for day runs though. My night driving still sucks.
And our run for the second set of training was so damn good the OC wanted us to do a re-run, just so the commanders can follow in the rovers and learn from us. *facepalm* So much for doing "one times good one".
So yes, recovery on Thursday night/Friday morning... which had an incident which resulted in me signing one extra. Regrettable, but sigh, whatever. Can't be bothered anymore.
And then today, Friday. I managed to cop some sleep from 5am plus till 6.45am. Still had more time to sleep between 7.30am and 8.50am, but somehow I just couldn't sleep despite my exhaustion. I hate that feeling...
Originally having National Day Observance Parade, changed to an indoor-thing since there were awards to be presented as well. Thankfully, since it was rather hot outside. As we found out anyway when we had to go out to take photos on battalion-level and company-level.
Then lunch, area cleaning, book out. Got out of there at 3.47pm, and moved as fast as I could. Got back home, showered, moved out again, got to NUS High at 6pm.
I'm not quite sure why either. Claire was sick today, and didn't attend school. So I ended up just talking to Isaac, Trish, Cyrus. Also to Ms Serene and the camera-crew which came to film and interview the Gamelan team.
Hmm. Walked out soon enough, and headed to Clementi Mall where I settled down at Starbucks with Joanne. Got my usual White Choc Mocha Frappe.
Then after she left at about 8.30pm, I was heading home, when I felt the same old call...
So did an about-turn and headed back towards school, and subsequently West Coast. Got three cookies from Subway along the way, and a coke from Macs.
Lying on the sun-warmed stone, feeling the cool breeze and listening to the waves... It was an awfully soothing experience for someone who has been stressed out all week. I really needed it, and it was good.
Only forced myself to leave at 10.26pm. Took the long walk instead of taking the easy way out and calling a cab in, despite my lethargy and laziness.
So here I am. Things in camp changed over the week, mostly cause of my depression at the start of it, along with other factors. I'm starting to show my hand, which is annoying because it's still too early. Ugh.
As for my insanity, I raised it back up over the course of the week. Unfortunately something obviously had to go wrong, and for now I suspect it's the wiring. It's no longer the stream-lined programming it used to be, it's all haphazard chopped together and it just doesn't work out. When I tried to trigger Hunter it jumped me straight into Slayer before settling into Hunter five minutes later, and then Legion started on its own accord. It was plain WTF, the control has been lost. I really need to work on it.
Remembering old lessons. Two of them. The first is that although a single grain can tip the scale, amidst the burden the scale will prevail. The second is that I have tried to go against my nature one too many times, I need to remember and stick with who I am inside, even if there is only one person outside who could ever accept that and is no longer with me.

I have offs and holidays till wednesday. Awesome. It's also gonna be very busy all the whole way, which I like. Today was heading back, tomorrow's possibly gaming and then Gan's party... Sunday I may still be at the sleepover, but after that us usual gang + NPY want to go LAN gaming. Monday I'll possibly be out with Edith, if I don't manage to secure the objective of the current quest. Tuesday is sort of the same, else with my family. Wednesday is my final rest day before 1.5 weeks of hell, whereupon a Saturday guard duty follows (WTF sighhh). One more week after that and we're flying off to Australia.
Also need to spend more time with my brother while I still can. He'll be flying off for Brazil on the 14th, and I'm ninety-percent sure I can't manage to take offs as it'll be during a training exercise. *shrugs* gotta deal with it.
Alright, I really need my sleep now. I'm quite sure I've forgotten to do some stuff, but that's fine, I guess I'll just settle it in the morning... Work cuts now, for I need my rest. Going so long without sleep is causing me headaches and nausea.
Goodnight, world.

The collective human past, part and parcel of Legion...

2011-08-05T20:16:00.002+08:00

Being connected to the collective human past is not an enjoyable experience. And while it can be a blessing, it can also be a curse.

A simple mission outfield, a training exercise has you sitting in a military vehicle with the rest of your platoon, waiting for the inevitable trooplift to the training shed. One of your commanders, sitting at the end, cracks out a pair of portable speakers and starts blasting party music despite it being 6am in the morning.
That, is what your eyes see, and your ears hear. But in your mind, it is suddenly overlaid with a much more different scene.

Again, the toner vehicle. Again, the troops are all within. But this time you are the 2IC officer, leading them out to a few kilometers behind the frontlines where you all would dismount and continue on foot. One of the soldiers start humming a slow tune, one dreadfully reminiscent of a funeral march.
The troops are all nervous. You know it. What you don't know then but know now is that your sergeant was carrying twice over the standard loadout of grenades for a soldier. He believes they would come in handy. One of your men is clutching his magazine pouch because of the photo of his pregnant girlfriend within. He hopes to make it back by summer for the birth. Your medic is twitchy, not out of nervousness but from the extra high dosage of self-prescribed drugs he took beforehand. The scene goes on and on, and you realise how you are painfully aware of each of their pasts and situation. What each of them were thinking, what they felt.
And it was all just a small scene in an unnamed military vehicle, for some other fallen platoon whose names have been lost in the history of war. A platoon where only the 2IC officer made it back, dragging his useless feet behind him for miles with nothing but the will to live to tell the tale. And with his determination, he did. His memories live on in yours, and through him theirs too, despite the mine explosion that took out the whole vehicle.

This is what it means to know. To have the knowledge and memories of everyone in the past. It is more than just a mere blessing, it is a curse. One that will haunt you for a lifetime, plaguing you with visions when they are least wanted.
Someday, you will learn to live with it. Until then, just hold on tight to the present reality, and pray you don't go insane.

I'm not familiar with this situation.

2011-07-31T17:42:00.000+08:00

I'll be honest. This is completely new and baffling to me.
Because every time I'm about to head into stressful situations, every time we're about to start intensive ops, I'm either very happy about other aspects of life, or at peace, or the best: feeling very stressed as everything else is also ganging up on me at the time.
But now, I'm... pining like a lovesick puppy. Seriously.
Can't stop thinking about the past, or reading the old posts about when she and I were together. Remembering the memories, and wishing I had done so much more for her.
Can't focus on anything, let alone start up the multi-targeting focus. Can't get my fire up.
Getting trounced online, just gave up on gaming. It's proving to be even more depressing as I watch my win ratio drop, even while teaming with Nopol. I'm not on top form today, and being a bad team member sucks.

Sigh. Guess I only have one method, to reuse old methods in a new and refreshing way to deal with this. Specifically reprogramming what I did have from the MoP project, only now the source is myself... Bring the pain!
Building a new class from scratch. No idea what to call it. Borrowing skills from left and right. Crushing Despair, Feedback, Distortion, Maelstrom...
I think the most important skill is to draw and absorb the negativity from all around too. Considering I'm headed outfield, everyone else will be emo, and toss in the fact that we're heading into cemetery areas, and it's the start of the Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival... Yeah, negative energy all around.
Alright, here I go then. This outfield I'm pulling no stops, the moment my insanity gets back up, I'm booting up Hunter, Legion, Basilisk, Leviathan, and this new program.
Anything to survive, and wreak all the havoc I can do and get away with...

With faith.

2011-07-31T02:09:00.000+08:00

With such huge developments, it would be silly not to do a tarot reading.
Here I go, then.
In the past position is the Four of Swords, indicating that the time of healing in my past has been completed, and it is time to move on. A sentiment recently expressed by myself, that I was ready to start.
In the present position is the Ace of Cups, signifying the culmination of a sacrifice that has been rewarded with satisfaction, contentment and a deep, lasting peace. More specifically, that I have, or am about to meet someone special... I don't know what this means, or if it's accurate. I hope it is, but I also doubt so.
In the future position is The Fool, which most likely represents me enjoying a new life. It can also represent a coming love interest who is not ordinary by any of my measurements.
...
My cards, if I believe them, are telling me one thing. That I am about to meet someone special enough to drag me away. It may be a return of the old, or someone new entirely.
I don't know. But if it comes true, I will be very, very happy.
Either way, I can but carry on, with faith.
Please... let me have earned my haven.

For good or for evil.

2011-07-30T13:19:00.002+08:00

Woke up feeling rather down. Dreamed of her last night, and the old want reared its ugly head again, the need for someone who understood and accepted me perfectly.
Been suppressing that need for too long. But I continue with it anyway, even as my soul snarls at the lack.
This love is killing me.
And what's worse, I have a suspicion about all of this... Let me go and try something out.
*twenty minutes later*
Yep. As I suspected, my insanity is still missing in action. All systems are down.
What the fuck, man. Just what the fuck. I probably need to get back into the army for the stress levels to trigger it. But until then I'll probably remain a lovesick kid ughhh.
... My sanity is trying to get a grip on my emotions and failing miserably. LOL
Then again, does this mean all the solutions I came up with to become a better person after she left me, doesn't apply for her? D=
No. No! If being with her means I will hurt her... Godmotherfucking damn it! I won't accept this. I will hunt for more solutions. I won't stop till I can find a way...

But two things are for sure. Distancing myself from her like I did in the past, was just living in denial. And if I could fall in love with her all over again last night, then I never really did manage to forget her.
The only question is how to proceed from here.
Burying her under my insanity all over again sounds like a solution, but only because I know it is a temporary solution, with a fixed end-time for me. To be more specific, within a few months, at most half a year.
Guess I'll carry on with that for now.
Eirene.

Update at 7.30pm: Hunter, most useful of all systems, first one to be up. Mostly out of a need for the will to carry on despite the black depression settling in and devouring all the rest of my mind. Legion is still down, with calculation speed slowed to a quagmire, and Slayer is hopelessly gone as I still fail at raising any form of aggression inside me.

They said I would give up, that I would move on. SUCK ON THIS, BITCHES.

2011-07-29T23:02:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it. I can't believe I can have such an awesome day, that fate would allow it for me... I guess I earned it with my faith and hard work.
So before I start off, thank you, to all involved, to all who have helped, and to the gods themselves. Thank you all.
So funnily enough, the day actually started off on the perfect recipe for a crappy day. Imagine sleeping at 2am, after having gone far across the road and lugged back $30 worth of groceries. Then waking up at 5am, with minimal rest, to begin the process of cooking said groceries.
Here, really have to thank my parents. Though I was the one doing the actual cooking in the end, they helped a lot with finding and preparing the containers to pack the food, as well as send me to Harbourfront so I could have more time to prepare the food. As it was, I had one last batch of hashbrowns I had no choice but to stuff back into my fridge. Lucky we had more than enough already made though.
So got to the Sentosa Express to meet with my platoon mates, and passed on the burden of carrying the food to someone else. Damn heavy...
And at this point I received a message from Isaac, passed on from Claire, that she was good for tonight. This was in response to me asking her out for dinner through email earlier in the week.
I was stunned. Seriously stunned. Then broke out into maniacal jubilant laughter, and felt my heart racing, skipping beats, yada yada yada. And at that point on I knew I couldn't be brought down for the rest of the day.
Went down to Tanjong Beach, which was remote enough that we had to walk quite a distance cause the tram wasn't running yet.
All met up, and the company cohesion started. It was great fun! The games may not be that original, but everyone put their all into it to win, and just being on the beach was fun. I haven't been on the beach for a long time. ;D
Also, rolling on sand after being dunked, compulsory for everyone. I think I roll pretty well. XD
Then took a quick shower, debriefed, cleaned up the area.
Oh yes, people loved my hotdogs and hashbrowns (plus commanders were amazed I managed to cook it myself, and thankful too). <3 I was so afraid they would start complaining about the quality or taste, thank the gods they didn't.
Left Sentosa, headed back home to get a proper shower. Grabbed an Oreo McFlurry to top up whatever I ate of my own food for lunch.
After a quick shower and a short wardrobe malfunction I headed out once more, in my best semi-formal suit. I didn't intend to, but I at that point had informal engagements the next two days, and I didn't want to turn up for LAN gaming in a shirt. -.-
Overslept on the bus. ;D Just like old days. Just as annoying, too.
Got to school, with Tian Lu opening the backgate for me. Went up to find Claire, talked to Cyrus for a while instead, then observed the National Day Celebration rehearsal in the hall where Claire was. Saw Theo and poked her for a bit heh.
Talked to Leyi, Clara, Cyrus again, and Kuoxuan. Then headed off for Gamelan.
Ms Serene wasn't in, nor was Mdm Rohaida, so I was suddenly the most senior guy around. O_O So I observed their practice, tried to inspire the chao keng juniors but failed, and... meh. I just give up.
Hung around until close to 6pm when I headed down, and found Claire already there. Walked up to the concourse together, and out of the school.
Took a slow walk to Clementi Mall, talking along the way. Everything ranging from army to her school life, and our mutual friends.
Had dinner together at Ajisen Ramen, sharing a bowl of Beef Ramen. After finishing we stalled long enough for them to ask if we wanted to order dessert, which we took as our cue to leave. XD
And persuaded Claire to come back to the school with me to help open up the auditorium rooftop for Vivian. Which apparently she was already prepared for, with a bag convenient for climbing. As it turns out, she has suspected a lot of things about today that came true, while I was the one caught entirely unaware by everything. O_o
So we walked back, headed upstairs, and I scaled the wall. It's been ages since I last did that! =D And I've mounted enough tanks for it to be easy-peasy hehe.
We proceeded to spend some time up there. We only had around twenty minutes, but it felt like much longer. It was... perfect.
Went downstairs again, and then Vivian finally replied to our calls and messages. *facepalm* We two went back upstairs, where Claire's point was proven: There was no way we could've left Vivian alone to do it.
Claire got her cab, so we had to go downstairs and she left... Things ended just like that.
I merely put on my jacket and ran to Clementi Mall to burn off the excess adrenaline left over, heh. Got my usual White Chocolate Mocha Frappe hurray!
And finally got home. Looks like tomorrow's originally planned LAN gaming session is cancelled, but that's fine... I had a lot of fun today.

I remembered a lot of answers to questions I've forgotten. Things like how we first met, how we first got together, and why. I remember now, why I loved her, and love her still.
It's amazing how with her, I'm not on a different level. I'm not even holding back my insanity, walling it behind and controlling it with Hunter or Legion.
With her, it doesn't even exist. I am just there, and everything is right, and my mind is made whole.
I won't be seeing her for a few months. But I will push on, and I will break through. I may still not have a goal for the future, but... I have a past. And I have a present. And that will be enough for me.
With faith, I will continue to strive. And someday... Things will finally be right and perfect, forever.

for my most annoying and amusing confidante

2011-07-27T00:24:00.000+08:00

Mm, happy birthday, Edith! Hope you're having fun wherever you are.
Wish I could spend this time with you actually. Kind of miss you but I guess that'll have to wait till you get back.
Oh well. Keep on trucking, girl. *hugs*

Thinking of cross-classing...

2011-07-25T22:58:00.000+08:00

Probably just a prestige class, but still.
Toyed with the idea with Jester, until the implications became too ridiculous to be even funny.
Wanted Archon, but probably can't keep it up for extended periods. Not useful when I already have my Slayer class for that kind of purpose.
So currently deciding between Ranger, Reaper, Sniper. Since Hunter shares certain class skills with Ranger and likewise for Reaper/Slayer, Sniper seems like the wisest choice, but I don't know... The class bonuses don't look attractive, and neither does the prestige despite it being a "prestige class" *snorts*
Okay whatever will think about it another night.
Pax.

"对不起，我是好人。"

2011-07-25T12:04:00.000+08:00

Now I hear your shaking words once more, repeating themselves in my ears where they won't go away.
Now I understand what you meant, now I understand, you would disappear from my life.
I drowned myself in my memories, submerged myself in my dreams, trying to escape from this fact. But now I come to my senses.
Tomorrow will disappear for us. Our friendship has seen the rise and fall of empires, but it won't last past tonight.
But I can forgive you... You can understand why, as can I.
In the end, we are just people with irreconcilable alignment differences. Truly, we went far when the going was good, but all things come to an end.
You have your own path to walk, your own goals now. And I have mine. Even though we will probably walk through the same dark valleys, we will no longer be in the same party.
You didn't understand why I refused to leave my current path, despite all the setbacks. I'll tell you why now.
Because being good is not about succeeding all the time. It's also about continuing to try.
There are millions of people out there who start out trying to be good. Most of them become jaded and bitter after facing the world, and question themselves. They think that if good is not something they can do so perfectly, perhaps they should choose a different path easier to walk on.
I refuse to be one of them. I wish you did, too.
Wherever the world takes you, I wish you well...

A new test subject, a new experiment.

2011-07-24T21:17:00.000+08:00

Time to contact an old acquaintance... The gods are pushing me to complete my project faster. With the direct hints given, I can only obey. Somehow, I can feel we're approaching the end of this hunt... The only question left is, for good or for evil?
And of course, about to offer another deal. I hope this one accepts. It'll be one of the few that starts after MoP, meaning for once there're no strings attached...
I am longing for the dark alleys and ghettos again. Maybe I should replay V:tM-B. Just... want to go back.
Of course, my heart cries out for many places. The dark cities, the wilderness, or something more. There's always another place I haven't been, another form of losing myself I haven't experienced. The mystery, the danger, the adrenaline...
Having my imagination connected to the collective human past doesn't help. I believe this latest spate of longing was due to me being lost in the city yesterday past office hours, in the quiet space between buildings, hiding in the refuge of the night.

... I just felt that shiver in my bones. A new space is being opened up. Huh.
Tonight. Tonight I will take another step forward, bravely.
And for the rest of the week, let those who oppose me face hell, for I live once more. Legion has arisen from the ashes, and is back in full-fledged action...

Short note to one who would listen.

2011-07-24T03:33:00.000+08:00

You don't back down. You never back down, understand? It's a world of people trying to put you down out there, people who would stop you for their own ends, or their own misguided thoughts and fears.
So if it's something you really want, you carry it through to the end. No matter the cost...
I have been where you are. And I kept the faith.
It's better than regretting things for the rest of your life.

All of the lights...

2011-07-24T01:58:00.000+08:00

It's been a really productive day! Felt like a real hunt again for once in... don't know. A few months.
Started in the morning with heading out to meet with the guys (aka EYX, TSS and LC as usual). Had a mild wardrobe malfunction, before heading out to Bugis where I met them.
First thing they told me was "You look like shit." Whereupon I realised I was having a bad hair day (yeah I let it grow a little too long, my unit is a little lax XD). Man, it's been ages since I had to check my hair before leaving the home, so I forgot! An honest mistake that made me look like an idiot all the way from home to Bugis MRT. D=
Then we went up, wandered a bit, and settled for lunch at Let's Sweets in Bugis Junction. It's... a very weird "Japanese" buffet restaurant. I mean, takoyaki pizza? (as in literally the takoyaki is baked onto the pizza) Chocolate almond pizza? Along with random pasta and crepe and cakes. The only Japanese things I saw were pretty much the takoyaki pizza, some usage of wasabi, and japanese curry with steamed rice. I'll say it was... more random themed than anything else.
That aside, twenty dollars per person for a buffet on a weekend with no time limit isn't too bad. In the end as a whole we rated it 3.5 out of 5. Not bad, but not the best either.
Then into Virtualand downstairs, where we stopped to see the other people playing all the random games. There's actually a 4-player cooperative PvZ thing, and some other sea-game catching fish or something like that. It's a lot more... complex than what arcades used to be, hmm. And of course the usual music themed games which are getting more complex and skillful.
We got 3 hours of LAN gaming, which was mostly spent on CS and subsequently Killing Floor. We survived longer on Killing Floor for normal difficulty this time round! Thanks to the fact that we had four people this time, and I could let them handle the masses of clots, gorefasts, bloats, stalkers etc etc while I played Field Medic class. Which has a crappy gun, but healing everyone is always important. I think it's meant to be a 6 player game in the end, and any number less makes it near impossible to complete...
Also some Frozen Throne 4v4 bots, which ended with an epic fail as none of the other guys were actually familiar with how to play. o_o
Headed out from that place after that, and went up and out above ground. We took a short walk to Shaw Tower (I think? Can't remember) where we had ice-cream at Tom's Palette. Very intriguing flavours. I had Salty Yuzu and Oreo Cheesecake. There's one nice flavour, which was EYX's Melt & Sizzle... It's awesome cause it has rock pops!
Walked to City Hall after that and we parted.
Took MRT down to Marina Bay. Route-marched along roads full of construction sites into Marina South Pier.
This was a follow up to a strangely vivid dream I had a couple of weeks back. Which I summed up in my personal notes as the following: "Shopping mall, park, sea, roses. Contact Xinyuan."
The first item was fulfilled. When a friend of mine checked in down south, I had my suspicions about what my fragmented mind was trying to tell me. So I walked down, but I hoped I wouldn't interrupt whatever she was doing.
There's a park along the road down. It's still under construction, but it's there.
Marina South Pier has... a fucking awesome view, barring the lack of sunrise/sunsets cause it's well, south. But while I was there, the NDP jets flew overhead, as well as the Chinook carrying the Singapore flag.
Sea breeze, tainted by the smoke from engines that I have long since gotten used to as a tankee. But being used to it doesn't mean I like it. Breeze was good though, enough to become numbing cold as night fell.
Left after an hour I think. Took the bus out, got myself a bit lost, tried to navigate by BB maps like earlier but this time the GPS was flickery and jumping all over the place, leaving me to navigate with only the map alone. Took me a while to get to the MRT, and even longer since I was talking with Shud along the way.
And came home after that... but along the way I did a 2km run in my shirt, jeans and jacket. For fun.
Or to bring the pain.
Unfortunately I lost Nopol's gift to me, a pack of orange-flavoured chocolate fingers. I am very much disappointed in myself and apologetic towards him. =/ Stupid jacket's inner pocket wasn't secure enough after all.
Stopped by 7-11 to buy a Big Gulp. Strangely enough at the counter, they were selling roses. At this time of the year when there's no season that requires it at all. I wonder, I wonder.
Had a couple of Kane's Wrath games online. Lost the first 2v2, won the second only because it was a 3v3 with Nopol and one of his overseas friends as allies, and with voice chat too. XD My calculating speed is back, but it does jack shit because I realised that my game knowledge is back to zero, as is my APM. So I couldn't do much during the game, expect provide Behemoth support to kill off enemy epics as well as Spectres, as well as a meatshield. Hope things be better tomorrow. Maybe I should go back to Traveller or Nod again until my skills are back up there.

Today... Mm. It brought answers, which gave me peace of mind for a few hours. But at the same time, several answers raised questions, which dispelled that peace. Luckily it's not the ones that really matter though.
So yes, another cycle begins. I am fine with that. I'm no good judge of character, but I can still read an aura if I want to. I won't disturb you anymore if that's what you want, but you really should learn to check in with your old friends every once in a while. =/

Tried to use a certain event today to still my heart in an attempt to see how my insanity reacts. The answer is not anything I had hoped for, though my calculating speed did rise back to its old standard. Hmm. Was hoping for an explosion, but this will suffice.
What it did give me though, is reinforcement. If my faith was strong before, it is ironclad now... An undying faith that is as unbreakable as the oath of a Hunter.
So... it kind of leaves me reassured. Also made me realised I've a decent hold on my depression now, if it even exists anymore, crushed to pieces by my channelling it for army work.
I think I am ready. I am ready to start.
Dance with me, won't you?

PS: I can play Nexus Clash on my phone. Life is going to get much better in the army- oh wait I'm heading into a fortnight of hell and may not have time. Aww man.

Can't touch me, y'all.

2011-07-23T01:10:00.002+08:00

Long day. Started off with training drills... which was tiring and got us all down and dirty.
And the moment we ended the training drill, our officer gave my crew 15 minutes to go upstairs, change from dirty and messed-up coverall to fresh long-4, and take a shower while we were at it. This would be okay usually, but one has to keep in perspective the fact that we only just completed two hours of seriously exhausting drills, and had barely just dismounted from the tank less than five minutes ago and were still drinking up while he gave us the orders. o_o
And turns out our next job was to clean the office. -.-
Which was followed by thorough area cleaning of the entire building and attached facilities, and yeah... We had like four to five separate stand-by-areas for our bunks alone. Cause of RSM inspection. Hopefully those don't come so often.
In fact that kind of took up the whole day. Lost my bet with my friend cause we booked out at 7.08pm, closer to his estimated timing than mine, hehe.

Got back home, and straight away got to work. Contacted the people I had to, and started pulling up feeds from my usual sources.
So rest assured, kay, I'm working on it. =/ Already talked to one of them, and getting LC to talk to the other party.
Basically this is all in response to a favour requested of me late last night by an old friend... An old friend who hasn't really kept in touch all that well (*amused glare*), but my loyalty remains still. (Or perhaps it's guilt... She was a part of the MoP project after all. =/ I owe her.)
Oh well. Got the whole weekend to fix this shit. Guess I can do it concurrently with my own matters then.
Okay back to work. Or actually I reckon I should sleep, meeting the guys tomorrow.
Pax.

PS: But oh, been having ideas for fiction. Just too lazy to write them out. But there was this whole arc I had half-written about how Jacen goes crazy paranoid (again) but this time he's not right (for once! yay!) and there's a girl named Lucia with him as they work together to "stop the war from breaking out" and in truth are the ones provoking a war. The Clan is racing against time to stop this madman and the mysterious girl who no one knows anything about, and in truth, no one is even certain exists...

"... appears to be a construct of the patient's fragmented mind, brought into existence by the guilt over multiple incidents of the past (refer to entries '3: Regarding Caitlin and her death', '16: Mistress of Pain', and '19: Continued failure in endeavours to save perceived similar cases'). Caution is advised while broaching the subject of the construct, as patient has exhibited extreme self-harm and violent behaviour upon being 'torn away' from the construct through the realisation that it is self-projected."

The eyes in the corridors, the ears in the walls.

2011-07-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

I hate playing dumb. It's just really degrading to my ego so it chafes whenever I have to.
You see, when you play dumb, if they don't see through your act, they think you're dumb. On the other hand, if they do see through it... Your skills are clearly inferior and so they STILL think you're dumb. Doh.

This week has been okay so far. Passing by fast at least. I can't believe it's Thursday already- but of course I'm damn grateful it already is.
We had a nights out yesterday. Pretty much just dinner together with part of the platoon at Long John Silvers, then shopping for food at NTUC. I bought two chocolate bars and a six-pack of Red Bull. =D I have winggggs! Six pairs of wings! Like a Seraph! XD
Then met our new officers today. As in talk to them and work with them. So far looks promising, like our officer is just as messed up as our crew. That's going to work in our favour.
Now just slacking in bunk... Trying to talk to old friends and acquaintances alike. Some with success, some crashed and burned, and some with nefarious plotting on both sides.
Hmm. These days I keep seeing things in a weird light. There's this strange apparatus we're shipping over and it looks suspiciously like a human dissection table, accompanied with some electrical device- gods, it looked terrifying when I first saw it, and flinched visibly. I backed up against the wall and realised it didn't look near that bad after a while.
And I keep seeing figures down the long corridor that aren't there. O.o
Munching on a chocolate bar now. Nomnomnom. I hope my officer is competent. He'll have to be very strong to control my crew. My loader specifically cause he's... Very messed up. Out of control. Used to be useful as a scapegoat, but he is starting to irk me too much. I need him to seriously grow up and learn to suck thumb without whining, or at least be disciplined.
Okay guess I should get back to my work.
Pax.

Some nights, I'm too epic for my own good.

2011-07-18T22:51:00.000+08:00

Jacen: "I went back over the weekend. Last friday, to be specific."
Harold: "Why, what was on last friday?"
J: "Nothing. Just went for fun... A little R&R, you know?"
H: "I can't imagine that being too conducive for the people there."
J: "Yeah well, I only had four. In the six hours I was there."
H: "Dude, you had four? In all of six hours?"
J: "Yes well, I had other things to do too." *trollface*

My patience grows thin.

2011-07-18T02:04:00.001+08:00

Remember you are in the end my creation. I made you who you are today.
I found you alone and worthless, wasting your life away. I taught you what it meant to manipulate humanity, and fate itself. I raised you to triumph.
So when I tell you to do something so simple, don't yak so much about it. Not when it's only such a small price.
And if I catch you poaching on my territory again, you will be... sternly chastised.
(Sigh. Why can't all my apprentices be sensible and independent at the same time...)

In the meantime, for myself, less than two months to the crucible. Can't wait.
"Birth is never painless. Especially a rebirth..."
And even more in the interim, booking in in 6 hours. Would be... okay, I guess. Might feel like shit in the morning but that's okay. I'll cheer up once I get in there and everyone starts getting hit with the monday blues.
As much as I regret my old MoP project, I have to admit it's delightfully useful. Now if only I can stop relying on it because it's well, most definitely not socially acceptable.
Screw that for now though.
Eirene.

Reality disappoints. Better not to know the explanations and truth.

2011-07-17T04:04:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning with a bitter taste in my throat and a sensation of drowning, drowning in blood. Flailed senselessly, as I reached for the bin beside my bed and retched into it. Clearly the exercise of last night was too much for my mind to take.
Something I learned once was that it was best not to struggle. Easier to let it emerge, no matter how monstrous or scary it was. To let the new horrors spill forth upon my mind, and face them there instead of letting them continue to skulk in my subconscious, plaguing me with fevered nightmares that sap my strength and yet I recall nothing of.
This latest wave is not of as good quality as the past, but it'll have to do... Whether to break me or to break reality, that remains to be seen.

I just made a mistake. Started a conversation and didn't watch it.
The fuck. How much can I fail.
Need to stop assuming. I was given one chance and I just blew it.
Sigh. I'm sorry.

And in the meantime, burning urge to run away, to flee into the dark inviting night once more.
The magic. Where has it gone? When will I find it again?
The good thing is I can still feel little bits of it, and in my music through my emotions... I can feel.
I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you still. And to understand you now, to know you, to close this gap that you keep trying to put between us, I don't mind cutting off my future. Just for this one perfect moment. For the memory of that moment you gave me too.
Don't turn away again... Please.

Once the insanity has sunk its claws into you, there's no turning back.

2011-07-16T02:17:00.000+08:00

My insanity tastes like the mad dreams of tortured children.
Bite bite bite.
Wait what I didn't type that second sentence- Okay that was creepy for a moment. Must have written it absent-mindedly.
Or maybe. =/
I want it to surge. I'm currently trying to tap more into my raw insanity that I haven't touched except with Legion. And Legion is a process that uses it without me even understanding or seeing what's going on, so.
So far I've only managed to use the little bits that I've managed to sanitize and conceive in my puny mind. But as I discovered a bit back, my sanity is the limit. To break that, I have to use a new way to tap and control this force.
Dangerous ground here. Could end up destroying my sanity entirely. Even Syanda didn't dare to try this, just cause it was theoretically unsound.
Guess I'll be spending tonight experimenting with this...

When bad meets evil.

2011-07-15T22:17:00.001+08:00

So, went back to NUS High... With three main objectives: Pass stuff to Isaac, meet Claire, and go for Gamelan.
Arrived at 11.55am and managed to pass the field rations and lightsticks to Isaac in time before his lunch break ended. I had to beg, steal and borrow just to get what I managed to, and it was no mean feat. Lucky I have my network in place already, after a couple of months here...
Uhh, spent some time talking to Xiangwen, Xuanji... as well as Clara and Leyi.
After that was wandering for a bit, before I met Theophila and her friends. Man, Theo is so hyper and so bitchy it's downright hilariously fun just to be around her. She's infectious, I swear. Also when I first stepped in all the girls started laughing hysterically for over a full minute. XD
Hung out around there till 2pm, when I went to the library with Tian Lu and wandered around inside, talking with the year 6s. Heh, with prom approaching, they all started hooking up left right center, seriously.
And met Jackie. Somehow whenever I come back to school, he also does that. O.o
Went out at 3.30pm, in a bid to find Claire... Headed up to 403's classroom only to find that she had left school already. Argh.
Mission failure. Epic failure. It was like everything just crashed for a while.
Until I went back down and just decided to ignore that and carry on. Tried to make the day less of a failure at least.
Went to see Ms Jade Lee to talk for a bit, and then went for Gamelan.
Louis is as hopeless as ever. I don't know what to do with him. In the end before I left I made a suggestion to Ms Serene, which may work if she enforces it. Basically, he should kneel instead of sitting... It's how I used to play my kenongs anyway, until I gained the focus and endurance to keep my arms up while sitting.
Left a bit earlier than 6pm, before they ended. Because I met Vivian and Wanling outside the hall, where they were heading out for dinner already. So I cut short my business with Gamelan and went out with them instead.
We had dinner at Yoshinoya in Bugis together... Which was my treat. Burnnn. XD
Wanling was late in getting home, so we sent her off first, while Vivian and I took a walk around Bugis for fun while talking.
Then back home... And let the demon I'd been holding in all day out.
I am not pleased. Not fucking pleased at all.
One of my regrets today was not seeing any of the old family. I saw Ting and Su Hang, but obviously we didn't talk. I saw Amanda, but she only said hi in passing. As for Joanne... I didn't touch her because she didn't look in the mood. Sigh.
Here's to hoping the next two days will be worth it. I don't think I can book in peacefully otherwise.

But the truth sounds like a lie.

2011-07-15T01:20:00.000+08:00

Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes
Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall
Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' in
Let another round begin, live to win!

I don't believe in playing for the sake of playing. Nor do I believe in giving half-fuck attempts. It all just becomes wasted effort that might as well have been redirected somewhere else.
That said, my plans tend to involve a lot of extra steps, that may be viewed as half-fuck attempts. But that's only because the viewer has misunderstood the real goal. Those attempts were not meant to succeed... merely open up paths.
This is my... third run? Of this year at least. Attempt number god-knows-what, but let's just simplify it to be the third one for now.
The path for this time has not been laid. It's one of those rare runs where I haven't done my proper prep work before going in. I'm quite honestly going in blinded, without a good sensing of the ground, nor with the ability to judge the emotions of many possible confrontations, as well as no backup plans.
Winging it. Like the good old days. Counting on what little I have left of my precog and Legion.
Speaking of Legion, Isaac and I took a good hour to dissect and think through its basic concepts sometime back... Forgot when. But it was a good thought experiment, one that may have helped me calculate for certain outliers that used to fall outside of the Legion system.
Oh well. Guess we'll see tomorrow.

In the meantime, it's been one hell of two weeks. Last week we were working like dogs, training from day to night.
Then began my personal mission x, which lasted over the course of the whole week. Here I found that though I am capable of thinking and planning, and can lead my platoon, I can epic-fail when going up against a commander I'm not comfortable with. When facing off against such, I tend to stutter. Which leads to seriously epic fail.
There was one point over the weekend where we were all sitting waiting for night briefing, and they brought down a keyboard to prepare for CO evening. Do you have any idea how surreal it is to have a whole company of soldiers sitting in a training shed under the watchful gaze of the sergeant major in front, while listening to someone play classical music?!
Also on the first day of the Single Tank Battle Course I got directed to drive into a ditch while parking, and nearly overturned the tank. They shifted the turret to counter-balance the weight and left me alone in the tank to wait for the recovery vehicle, which arrived only after my tank was already slanting 47 degrees left. Rather risky, really.
And on the last night my engine caught fire for no reason at all while I was driving it. I saw the lit warning light and just went wtf mentally.
Just yesterday I drove a tank onto the parade square, hence chipping off one good strip of it, turning it from red to white.
Tens of thousands of dollars worth of damage. And none of it my fault.
Basically right now they're starting to call me the cursed driver LOL. If enough more of such incidents happen, I wonder if I'll be excused from tanks ahahahaha.
At any rate, we were all looking forward to our long break, having worked so hard these last two weeks...
Until we were informed that the two offs on monday and tuesday next week were cancelled. Army is going omnomnomnomnom on our off days. Yay.
Life sucks ttm. Lucky all my plans were for Friday and Saturday.
Okay best get some sleep now, gotta wake up at a decent timing if I'm to make a run down tomorrow.
Pax.

Sorry bro, but you're not the only one who changes when it comes to outfield ops...

2011-07-07T22:48:00.000+08:00

And sad to say, your devil is a joke compared to mine...

About to embark on 4 days of hell and no personal time. If you need to contact me, I probably can only reply at midnight daily.
So, stay safe and I pray no one needs me.
Good luck to us all...

I'm waiting for the upper hand.

2011-07-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

Playing this same old game... with old friends.
Don't know how things will turn out. I fear overstepping boundaries and overplaying my hand, so I have no choice but to advance slowly.
For that matter, actually I fear I may have already done so...
Sigh. Pity that things should come to a juncture like this, really...

At any rate, got my Blackberry Bold 9780. internet in camp, check!
Things are gonna pick up the pace from now on...

Some tools aren't multi-purpose, you're just forcing them to be that way.

2011-07-03T04:36:00.000+08:00

It felt like a long week. Even if I had good and well-timed breaks.
Mostly cause last bookout wasn't a proper one I suppose.
Nothing much. Okay who am I kidding, it was an eventful week.
There was happy hour for company cohesion on Wednesday. We got beer and access to the specialists' mess for a night. It was awesome, there was karaoke, dance central on the Kinect, and basically really great.
Unfortunately my allergy to alcohol kicked in and so I ended up with my left little finger swollen for half of Thursday. My allergy to alcohol is slightly amusing in the way it has completely random effects. Most of the time it's just a pain in the ass (not literally yet, but I'm sure there's a chance of that happening someday).

Faced off against tear gas for the first time. It was an interesting experience that is definitely good to have... For some reason I've a feeling it's not the last time I'll be facing it.
My platoon got chosen to watch the SAF Day parade at SAFTI on Friday. It started at 1700. We arrived at 1340.
So yes, lots of boring waiting. The bright side is we got free H-Two-O and KFC.
Got sent to Jurong Point and bought myself a new pair of earphones cause my current pair was spoiling. =( That pair has served me well for a really long time, and it was one of the best gifts I ever got from Cass. Sigh.
New earphones is a cheap pair of Sennheiser. I... Alright, you got me. Her influence, I guess. (If you're reading this, thanks for relenting. This is something I have no choice but to carry through to the end and you know it.)
Went out again today. Originally was planning to get a SE W950i for army, but Nopol warned me against getting such an old model. So in the end I'm just going to get a Blackberry after all, despite my original repulsion to that idea cause of the price.
So I got the sequel to the book I finished over the week. Though I'll probably finish reading it within one week again and be bored the next since I'm not booking out.

This weekend is kind of annoying, really. Reason? Terraria 1.0.5 came out. Minecraft 1.7 came out. I just got my copy of Alice: Madness Returns.
Edith just went to Barcelona for her school trip and I can only contact her through email now.
I'm not booking out next weekend.
You can see where this is going. -.-
Blahh.

Still trying to sanitise my insanity. Or at least study how it works and understand its limitations.
Though right now it's not giving me any real answers because its... power or whatever is off the scale. My sanity is the limit, not anything else.
I'm picking up a new skill, by combining my imagination with my insanity. Basically I draw up a new past/backstory and detailed defining moments, and incorporate it instantly. Works like hell, and effectiveness rises as physical performance drops. On that morning of an intense run, I could practically feel the whips on my back. Or the needles in my nerve clusters. (Don't ask, alright?)
The major downside is that the one thing I can't overwrite or create is muscle memory. Not even sure if it's possible, but I've long since learned to not dismiss anything as impossible.

Never mind. I should be getting to bed now...
Out there, I hope you guys are sleeping well too. I miss you all.

Kill me, and let me be born again.

2011-06-26T21:54:00.000+08:00

Cause this is not about hate
It's the start of a new way
Anything goes from now

About to book back in!
This week's first goal: Think, and think hard, about Claire. As ridiculous a goal as it is. This comes from having stumbled upon an album of photos of her class chalet, and just looking at her photos brings a strange feeling of reminiscence to my mind. And a determination. A bloody determination to close this book and be done with it, to settle in my mind what she really means to me.
Because if I always remain so emotionally weak, then I have no right to call myself a Hunter.
The second goal is to drill hard with my crew. As I have said previously, my platoon is the best, and I want to keep it that way. I want one of the top scorers to be my crew, and hopefully motivate the rest in my platoon to push for best crew as well...
The third goal is... Not to break down.
Truth be told I'm holding in a lot at the moment.
No story can help me escape. It just reminds me of how painful my current existence is.
I want to be free. I just want to be free.
And go home.
I just want... my sanctuary.

No matter the crimes, I cannot fault someone's overwhelming will to return home.

2011-06-26T04:39:00.000+08:00

So, the week is over, and damn I'm less than 24 hours from booking in again.
Week's been hell for the others. We worked on less than 6 hours of sleep every night, once 4 hours before a high-risk event, and once 2 hours. As for why I say for the others and not for me... I'm somehow used to sleep deprivation, I guess? While others were complaining bitterly and falling asleep while standing and picking fights with each other in their grumpiness, I remained the calm voice of reason. Or well, not so much the calm voice of reason as the cheerful voice of insanity. Highly useful, learning to draw on the night to refresh oneself.
There was a live shoot. I only had a couple of misses, and so tied with a couple of other people for the highest score in the company, including the commanders. It seems rather ironic that I should beat most of the commanders, but I suppose there's really nothing to it... There's a reason I adopted the Hunter identity after all.
The only annoying part about it was I had to reshoot cause the first time my rifle wouldn't stop screwing up on me. The second time I borrowed my friend's, and it worked better, though there was still one time it screwed up... and resulted in my most epic feat of that day. I remedied the fault and still managed to hit the target in time, and it was the smallest target there is. Even my sergeant behind me was stunned.
For the night shoot I got a perfect score on the first try, using my own rifle which thankfully only screwed up once, and of course I remedied it in time as well. This result was... well, unsurprising. I would actually feel kind of embarrassed if I missed any of the night shots. ;D
And other than that there was a parade on Saturday morning. My father and sister attended. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures, since my sister didn't bring the camera. My dad took some with his phone, but can't be bothered to check at the moment.
For a parade it wasn't that bad. Still felt like a waste of time though, especially because my bunk was the one chosen for display to the parents. So we spent hours cleaning it... And the moment they left, we restored it to its natural state. You cannot fight entropy!
Oh yeah, they played To Zanarkand as the background music while the guests were inspecting the tanks and static displays. Weird, but awesome.
And then some of our fellow company-mates have very pretty sisters. ;D The most hilarious one was everyone harassing my bunkmate for his sister's number. She's two years younger than him... and he comments that she's probably too old for me. XD That's in reference to an uhh, obviously untrue and wildly unfounded joke in my platoon that I only date 14 year olds.
Speaking of my platoon, I somehow find that they're perhaps sparking some interest in me for the army. Well, they're making the time more bearable at least... and a goal to aim for.
The truth about the parade was that although they presented the Best Driver, Loader and Gunner awards, only the Best Loader award was given to the right person, one of my bunkmates. The Best Driver and Best Gunner awards actually also rightfully belonged to people in our platoon, as admitted by our commanders in secret. It was only for morale's sake that the awards had to be given to people in different platoons. And when one inspects the scores for the courses, one notices that over half of my platoon hog the top score positions.
In other words, I have been sorted into the best platoon in the whole company, and it's painfully obvious in results. Our internal goal now is to always remain first, never drop to second, and last is plain taboo.
I'm almost finishing the process of analysing the dynamics. Needless to say they're ever-changing, but I'm getting a good grasp of what is going on now, and who has to play which roles. It seems that I must once more be the Sweeper, but beyond that I have to be the smart rebel as well, as well as take up leadership from time to time. To fight for our rights and privileges, and whatever we're not entitled to, steal it from them.
Work that I am well accustomed to, I believe. Stakes mount higher, but that only makes the payoff escalate as well.
Another week shall start soon. Let us begin.

Destiny: A new way, a stronger will.

2011-06-19T20:26:00.000+08:00

Watched X-Men First Class with TSS earlier today. It was awesome.

This week is supposed to be a bad one... A really bad one.
Simply because of the beginning of the next phase, of learning new drills and really imprinting them into mind.
Also because of an upcoming test that I cannot afford to fail, not if I want to keep my honour as a Hunter and my face. -.- What kind of test, I suppose y'all can guess.
And then there's also my upcoming parade on Saturday, which of course no one is attending.
Waste of a day if you ask me. I'll rather be resting at home.
But quite honestly, I'm not feeling too bad about going back in. Maybe I just want something to get her off my mind, especially when it was such a fleeting contact. I cannot even remember anymore, though I think I understand now... I understand what it meant, why, and how.
Yes, it wasn't the first time...
And a part of me feels guilty for wishing it wasn't the last...
Meh.
Gotta go now.
Pax.

I have just received the achievement: The Hunter and the Angel.

2011-06-17T22:30:00.002+08:00

Mission success. Now the next time you're going to assign me something to do, make sure it's a real challenge, okay? Minor surveillance and investigative work just doesn't have the same kick as actual combat.

I went out today. Ran an errand, visited Kinokuniya, bought a book, went to Starbucks, indulged in another White Choc Mocha Frappe and a Molten Choc Cake, and then went back home.
What a boring day. Barring that vision of fragility and beauty... But that was another one of those once in a lifetime things, another moment I had failed to grasp fate into my hands.
She was cute though. Every bit of her from her hair to that white sweater and long skirt down to those cute red boots.
As stupid as it was, we were stealing glances at each other across the bookshelf. This one was for sure because our eyes met enough times for it to be mildly awkward. ;D But no, I didn't make the move. Even when I saw myself in her and vice versa. Both of us were people who wanted to believe in something greater, who loved the feeling of being lost in other worlds where fantastic things happened to normal people.
Who wanted to believe that we normal people could get the same happy ending too.
Next time, eh? Next time. When I finally feel like I deserve to have someone in the first place...
But heh... Romance in the horror section? It doesn't get anymore absurd than that.
Pax.

Those eyes burned with a lonely fire. But flickery as it was, it was there, and it burned with a hope that couldn't be extinguished, no matter what.
Those were the loveliest eyes I've seen in a long time.
A part of me knew that they matched mine perfectly, though mine were hidden behind a facade of steel. And when our eyes met, that facade broke immediately.
How many of such moments were there in life? This was not the first, nor would it be the last. But each and every one of them were special. Each one of them moved me in a way nothing else could.
It was a connection on a basic human level. One that said "Hey, I'm right here. And I'm the same as you. I hope, and I dream of the same things too...
"And someday, I hope we meet again."

System startup.

2011-06-17T21:55:00.000+08:00

>Booting up...
>Logging in with Legion OS
>Legion OS activated; Hunter running in background
>Establishing battlefield control...
>Judge and Avatar sub-modules online
>Hunter-Killer targeting system up
>Acquiring targets...
>Judge: Assessing and assigning threat values... Avatar: Calculating manoeuvre plans...
>Judge: Running functionality check on equipment loadout...
>Judge: Equipment check complete. Avatar + Judge: Continuing to run combat simulations in background.
>Assessing data archives on latest encounters and arenas...
>Retrieving plans from archives...
>Contacting sub-units for situation reports...
>Legion system continuing to run background calculations. System ready for operations.

One of the oldest myths is that the Hunter Training Manual is written in blood...

2011-06-17T01:06:00.001+08:00

The truth is no, it wasn't. Yes, some parts were indeed written in blood, and not always our enemies', but most of it involves no bloodshed whatsoever, nor have they been proven to cause such without fail. Most of the time, much else is lost instead. And all the time, it's far worse than mere bloodshed...

Today I did my IPPT. I jumped my grade from fail to silver. Everyone is happy because now, now we have a chance...
And that was after a sumptuous dinner at New York New York on Wednesday night, when we had a company nights out. I led most of my platoon out and we decided to eat together. I got a Brooklyn Port's Fish & Chips as well as a Double Chocolate Velvet Smoothie, and so personally I myself was amazed I could still jump. ;D
There isn't much at Lot 1, most depressingly. Though it does have my favourite stores, MiniToons, Action City and San Bookshop. Maybe some other day I'll get the chance to see it more.
Also my buddies and I started up the 43rd Eyepower Regiment as a joke because we were that insanely bored. One gets promoted for acts of eyepower, and our best Cyclops Hubert is the CO for this battalion.
Finally, today we got informed fucking last minute that some of us had duty on Saturday. I am one of the chosen few.
Needless to say, I am not pleased. It has cut into my plans, and so I had to shift some outings and hunts around and... meh. I just had to cancel my outing with Edith and Katie.
Meeting up with friends both old and new can come later I suppose... There's still shit to be done, and I'm pretty sure things will get worse if I leave them alone for my own personal crap.

Talked with my master earlier. Army crap for the most part, and then some things he shouldn't have told me, but he did, and so I know what that means.
Hence the hunts. Knnbccb.
I can only take solace in the fact that my master has never bullshitted me before, nor has he broken the pact, so... Meh. Suck thumb. I knew this was coming anyway.
This phase where everyone burns my weekends, more than just army. -.-
Sucks like shit.
But it's okay. I have my tools in my mind and my weapons by my side. And they are all that is necessary.
After all, it's no secret that Legion's power and efficiency increases the more arenas it is fighting in concurrently... Go ahead and bring in all your pieces. We'll just see who will triumph.
Pax.

Out. And back in.

2011-06-12T21:19:00.020+08:00

when it's an accomplishment just to make it back home, close the door behind you and whisper fearfully to yourself that you have survived the hunt...

The Hunter and the Angel.

I know you now. I know your name. You have fought alongside me many times before, but I've never known until now. Now come, and fight with me once more, as one.

Escape, escape,
from this sorrowful fate.
You are not a flower of hell.
In that kind of place
Don't bloom there, don't bloom there
Don't let them ensnare you.

It's been a long week... Burned my saturday in camp.
Didn't even get to sleep some more. I spent 32 hours awake and channelling all my energy into working.
Not at liberty to say what was going on yesterday, of course, but side notes are allowed! Or they should be!
I went for a morning hunt/recon run of my own. Found a durian tree and a rambutan tree, but it was not in season. D= And I also saw three wild boars, two of which were baby ones and really cute.
And nothing much happened really... Not for the afternoon which I spent playing Patapon 2 to stave off boredom, while squeezing in the shelter to avoid the mild rain. I also scribbled this on the walls to freak out the people who shall sit there in the future:

Comms set down.
Handphone out of battery.
It's watching me through the windows.
It's there right behind me.
I cannot get out.
I cannot get out.

Cause typical graffiti by soldiers are all about ORD dates or how much they hate the army, so I decided to exercise more creativity instead.
And then for dinner our sergeant came through with his Mission X, netting every one of us an awesome ice-cold drink.
For my night hunt, I left the place at dusk and trekked a kilometer north. And there I sat in the forbidden haunted box all the way till entirely dark.
I will say this much: It was eerie. A large clearing was there and it was clear that there was a mild amount of negative energy, instead of brimming with the life energy a normal forest exudes.
Unfortunately, it was not enough.
Yes, that is exactly what I said. It was not enough. Not as much as the other point another two kilometers up north. Damnit, I was assigned the wrong post after all.
The other post up there was so bad the guys assigned there actually evacuated the moment night fell. No joke. If only I was there...
At any rate, trekked back to my post on the dark narrow forest roads. Along the way it was clear I had a fair bit of negative energy trailing after me, which was rather annoying since I had to stop and readjust.
Got back to my post, and more random boredom between me and my buddy. At one point we started shouting out our wishes and regrets into the night... Which got funny because we found out at the end of the night that the other post a kilometer to the west started hearing us as weird screams and got freaked out.
Also we saw a firefly. I didn't know we had those in Singapore.
I called Edith, who was with Katie and Chloe and talked randomly with them for a bit, all the while complaining about the things watching me from the trees.
All the other guys got so bored we started having some sort of competition to see who could come up with the best prank on each other. Ranging from funny orders to stand to or to pack up and get ready to move out, to me shouting out "Contacted!" across the phone to Marc. Hilarity ensued.
The closer it approached to midnight, the more my insanity surged. I think I said things to my buddy I regret mentioning now. There are parts of my past and my mind no one should ever know about, but I let it slip...
Sigh. Hopefully he'll keep his mouth shut. I have enough of his secrets to blackmail him at any rate. This must remain hidden.
The real work started sometime after midnight, and lasted all the way till 5am.
Proud to say that in that whole interval, I didn't sleep or take "short" naps unlike the rest. Instead I threw myself into the work even if few bits of it was mine by right. Even when they declared a compulsory break, I continued...
It only ended at daybreak. We booked out at 8.30am, and here we are, almost at book-in time again.
How ridiculously painful. I'm just looking forward to this week. Between a night's out and an off day, it promises to be a short week and I could really do with that, a good break.
Going out with Edith this friday... Should just pray nothing bad happens between then and now!

Though... Hmm.
Well it's been a stressful week, I'll say that much. A lot of revelations all around. I found the answers, but it was not the answers I was looking for. Not the ones I wished to hear.
You don't know this, but I knew already, because she knew and what she knows is what I know... I was merely carrying on the charade for you.
Surge. Because of all this, it surged. I vomited on my bed and-
Well. It's back in full swing, shall we say. That short break of a week or two ended and we're back in hallucination mode.
Those blood splatters keep happening in very nice patterns...